aimless wandering

I've really been in a funk today. It's been chasing me down for a while, and it finally caught up with me: all kinds of aches and pains, and a pitiful feeling that I don't want to do anything because...well, what's the point?

I hate that--depression is such a fickle bitch.

In my job searching endeavors this past week, it occurred to me that at the end of this month I'll have been back in Tulsa for a year. A year! How did that happen?

And why does that depress me? I really am fairly happy with my life. Living with my parents hasn't exactly filled me with joy, but it eliminates so many financial burdens. When I came home, I left behind all kinds of responsibilities that were really weighing me down.

Aha - maybe that's it. I miss working hard. I miss being an expert at what I do and being the one people come to for answers. For the last six months, I haven't been an expert at anything but loafing. And, while loafing definitely has its merits, it's not very rewarding.

I want to work; I want to be needed.

The last week has been pretty intense, as I realized I need to get a job SOON. I've had two interviews, and both of them were weird. I don't know what I expected, really--temp work and kennel jobs don't require a lot of personal or intellectual scrutiny, I guess.

The interview with the doggy daycare was especially unsettling. First, the lady who contacted me wasn't expecting me when I got there, and her partner couldn't remember my name. When they finally came to the front office, they chatted with each other for a few minutes before finally taking me to their "detached office," which turned out to be a Subway shop at the end of the back alley.

In all, the actual interview lasted about ten minutes, and they probably asked me two questions. I definitely don't think they're going to offer me a job, and if they do I'm going to turn it down. Because in the course of the "interview" I realized how completely inexperienced and unqualified I am to manage even one dog...not to mention dozens at once!

And that's okay...this realization gives me some direction. I need to either get a volunteer job to get some experience handling dogs, or I need to focus on my area of expertise: cats.

The interview with the temp agency was a bit of a letdown too, although I can understand why that process is so shallow. The temporary nature of the business itself probably doesn't foster much teamwork or personal introspection. I hadn't thought about that before the interview. I can type, I can add, and I can spell. That's about all they need from me.

But a temp job is a good option for me right now, because I'm not willing to commit to anything long-term here in Tulsa, and I don't want to end up stuck in a cubicle. It's just something to get some income until I find what I'm looking for.

And what I'm looking for is a rewarding job that hopefully involves crawling on the ground with furry creatures...preferably in Oklahoma City. I want something that has meaning, and I want relationships with coworkers. Is that too much to ask?

That's what I miss the most from TV Guide...the relationships. I wasn't extremely close with very many people there, but I had the best team ever and they inspired me. Their work ethic was exceptional, and they were FUN. They had some serious spunk; that was what kept me coming back for so long. I miss those crazy internationals!

Now I'm just getting sappy and whiny. But I don't think there's supposed to be a point to any of this, except that I'm trying to write my way out of a funk.

However, if I were to try and sum it all up, I think I'd have to say the job angst of this last week has just taken a toll on me. I basically went from not job hunting at all to desperately trying to find a job NOW. I got into a panic for a while, and all the gloom and doom over the economy fed that anxiety a little too much.

I just need to take some deep breaths and appreciate what I have. Like my kitty cats, and the love of a seriously awesome guy. And the fact that I don't work at TV Guide anymore...kickass coworkers aside, that job was killing my soul.

Things are looking up. The clouds that dampened my day are supposed to develop into thunderstorms tonight, and that means it won't be long before I'm wakened by tornado sirens in the middle of the night. Call me weird, but I love tornado season.

Hurricane - Mindy Smith