Hanging in Limbo

I think I have some sort of PTSD.

I've calmed down since my last post, but it doesn't feel any better. I'm really upset that my sister's upset. This is where the guilt tries to kick in and make me wonder if I could have been a tad more compassionate or something.

After all, the girl's under major stress. She's trying to finish her last semester of college, get into law school, plan a wedding and hold down a job plus several baby-sitting gigs. She's trying to do too much, and it's no wonder she freaked out.

But it's still not my fault, and there's not a lot I can do about it. I suppose I could swallow my pride and call to see if she's okay. But I'm not ready for that yet.

Ryan is so great to talk to about these things, and not just because he always takes my side. I got all mushy talking to him on the phone earlier...he was having a stressful day too, and he kept it to himself for a while because I needed his rational voice. But I could hear the weariness, and I was relieved when he unloaded too. We have a way of talking things through--on both sides--that I've never experienced before.

I suppose it's a little early to say we never fight...but we certainly communicate well.

Tonight, as usual, I'm finding it hard to focus on job-related things. I'm accepting that my family's immediate proximity is simply not good for the job-hunter in me. If it's not one of my parents shaming me, it's one of my nephews tempting me to play, or some other family affair that I'm all too quick to jump into. I need to get a little distance between them and me.

I want to run away, and that's all I can think about tonight. I miss Ryan, and I want to go cry on his shoulder. But something won't let me go just yet.

I'll see him in a couple of days, but in the mean time I need to work within the current circumstances instead of hiding from them. Running away can only prolong this state of limbo I'm in.