oh heavenly day all the clouds blew away got no trouble today with anyone
the smile on your face i live only to see it's enough for me, baby it's enough for me
After being cooped up for three days, it was great to get out and drive today. On the way from OK City back to Tulsa, I paid more attention to my surroundings than usual. For a moment I wished Ryan was with me to capture some of the delicious details on camera (he's great at that), but then I remembered I too can capture those images...with words.
So I looked around and took note of some of the things that make Oklahoma so special to me:
The way the turnpike, long and straight, cuts through the rolling landscape of brown grass....the grooves made by mowers on the side of the highway, filled with snow and forming patterns of white lines---both curved and straight---in the dead grass.
The clusters of trees, many broken at their tops by heavy ice accumulation...the snapped branches hanging down at strange, unnatural angles...these are the remnants of a devastating ice storm that hit over a year ago, and it's become a sort of trademark of Oklahoma trees.
The starkness of raised bits of red dirt against white snow...black cows against the snowy brown-and-white landscape...a dirt road turned solid white, curving through muddy hills.
The way you can top a hill and suddenly see for miles and miles.
The blue sky that seems to go on forever.
That all helped the drive pass pretty quickly, and it also made me grateful all over again to be home.
I've been on a bit of a hiatus lately, I guess. It doesn't take long for subjects like family dysfunction and unemployment angst to get old, and that's all I've had on my mind---well, except for being all mushy and in love, which can get equally old (for readers, but not for me!).
Plus I went through a few days of being so stressed out and freaked out that I wasn't good for much of anything. I haven't been returning phone calls or answering emails. But I think I'm getting a grip on things again now.
My parents seem to have backed off a bit, and it helps that I've been at Ryan's house since Sunday. Unfortunately, the icy weather didn't allow for the job-hunting I wanted to do, so I've been playing housewife instead. (Doesn't sleeping in, watching talk shows and surfing the web count, if I also wash a couple of dishes and clean the litter boxes?)
My little orange kitty friend Perch is excellent company while Ryan's at work. She can usually be found in my lap, in my face or following me from room to room, and I find her ridiculously, irresistibly adorable.
As far as snide comments go, my sister was all too happy to fill in while my parents took a break last week. Something about how I said her cat's biting habit is unacceptable (it IS, and it hurts like f***!) launched her into an absurd tirade about how at least her cat isn't boring like mine, who hide all the time and cry for their Mommy.
(For the record, my cats never bite or scratch people. But they are absolutely terrified of my sister, because there's nothing gentle about her and she's not an animal person at all. That's part of the reason her cat bites, I imagine. I'm just sayin'.)
Making fun of my cats, really? That's just stupid. Still, it pissed me off and I had to leave the room so things wouldn't get uglier. To my surprise, my parents came to my defense---after I left the room!
Anyway, that was last week, and I'm over it.
So that's about all that's going on here. I'm snowed in (iced in?) and loving it, although I'm starting to get a little stir crazy. I've got nothing else of consequence to write about, but Lost is on tonight and for that I am filled with joy.
Wedding planning is exhausting...especially when it's my sister's wedding that's being planned. Today she and Mom and I visited the bakery, the florist and the party rental place, and at the end of the day I didn't have any more of an idea what she has in mind than I did when we started out. I think she has a lot of it worked out in her head, and my mom has a bunch of lists going. As for me, though, I couldn't feel more disconnected.
It's not only that my sister and I have completely different taste, or that trying to communicate with her is as exhausting and futile as watching a NASCAR race on TV. This wedding stuff is just completely foreign to me, and I don't feel like I'm helping at all.
This evening as my mom and I discussed plans for the reception (which will be at my parents' church), I said I couldn't picture the room or get a feel for the layout of the tables. This was a perfect opening for one of my dad's snide comments:
"Well, there are a lot of people in that church who probably don't remember what you look like, either!"
I try to let things like this slide off my back, but they've been wearing me down lately and this time I took the bait. I declared that I don't want to attend their church, and this immediately led to a debate.
"Just because the pastor made one comment..." Mom began, referring to some unsolicited advice to get rid of my cats, find a husband and start having "real" babies. There's more to it than that, and I began to explain some of my other reasons.
"That's not the point," Mom persisted. "If you really wanted to go to church, you'd go somewhere." I eventually realized what was happening and wondered how the conversation had taken this turn. Weren't we supposed to be talking about my sister?
Ugh. Like I said, they've been wearing me down. Yesterday it was my dad saying "Well, if you were ever here..."
And last week while I was talking to my sister, he piped in with "Well get a job, then." I told him I plan to, and he asked when.
"When I do," I replied. He left it at that, but by then the conversation with my sister had been derailed, as her attention span is too short to withstand such interruptions.
It's like when I decided to move in with my parents, I willingly stepped into a pit of quicksand. And the longer I stay, the harder it is to get out. I know I'm not really stuck--I can leave whenever I want. But my parents have a special way of leaving me feeling paralyzed and hopeless.
Lately it's gotten harder to fight off that feeling, and I find myself getting so neurotic and insecure that I'd rather find some sort of escape than work on looking for a job. Thus I can often be found napping or shopping when I should be writing cover letters and mailing resumes.
Then I start getting frustrated with myself, and the cycle perpetuates itself. I know it's not my parents' fault, and I also need to stop being so hard on myself. I just feel so stunted and overwhelmed lately that I don't know what to do next.
I have made some progress. My resume is done, and I bought a suit to wear to interviews. I have a running list of all the shelters, rescue groups and pet boarding facilities I can find in Oklahoma. Now I just need to start knocking on doors, proverbially speaking.
Who cares if some people see me as a Deadbeat Heathen Spinster Cat Lady? Somewhere, someone could be looking for a person just like me to wrangle their cats...or their people...or their piles of paperwork...
Job-searching sucks, especially without an updated resume.
Why don't I have a resume? Because I would rather do things like surf the internet, vacuum the baseboards, alphabetize my CD collection or even gouge my eyes out with a spoon than write my resume!
I need some extra orange tabbies and a helpful boyfriend to settle my nerves...
Ryan and I just spent a week in Philly seeing friends, catching up on the latest sordid details of life at TV Guide, and visiting some of my old haunts. We made two trips to Kitty Cottage, and it felt like going home. I realized all over again how much I love that place and all its endearing occupants.
My little friend Alissa (who I love like my own and would adopt if I had extra rooms and a full-time cat nanny) seemed happy enough to see me, but she was so doped up on anti-depressants that I hardly recognized her. It was tough to see my feisty girl like that, and to leave her behind--again!--but what can I do? With Michele's help, I got to see a little of her old spunk, and that gives me hope. Maybe this will be her year to get adopted and begin her life as a devoted and ridiculously pampered lap cat.
The trip brought on a lot of old thoughts and emotions I've managed to avoid since I've been in Tulsa--things both personal and TV Guide-related. There were a couple of times when it all got a little overwhelming, but in general it was a healthy experience that reminded me how happy I am with the life I have now. No more TV Guide stress, no more suburbs crowded with irritated and impatient people, and no more lonely, messy apartment...no more of lots of stuff I don't need.
Hands down, my favorite memory of the whole visit (and there were many to choose from) was the time I spent on Eric's kitchen floor, laughing my drunk ass off with Sara and Janine. Sara, who's so perceptive and intelligent and sweet that I wish I could hire her as my life coach. Janine, who always had my back and always seemed to know just what I needed.
It wasn't even funny, the thing we were laughing about...at least, not funny enough to fall on the floor and carry on like we did. But it was cathartic and extremely uplifiting. Thank God for laughter, and for old friends who never change too much.
Second place goes to one or both of the times I took Ryan to Kitty Cottage. I really enjoyed seeing him interact with the cats; he's a natural, and he's almost as much of a sucker for those cats as I am! I'm a lucky, lucky girl.
