Katy's Holiday Shopping Tips

I've tried many ways to avoid Christmas shopping over the years:

I've made donations in my family members' names, and that was fine until the year it made my dad cry. No gift I've ever given him has been so memorable since I was three or four and he pretended to send me to my room because I naively answered him when he asked what his unwrapped Christmas gifts were. Anyway, his crying and hugging me was the pinnacle of the donation-gift era, and I decided anything after that would feel flat in comparison.

I've resolved to do all my shopping online, but that idea largely failed because I procrastinated too long and then realized I hadn't allowed enough time for shipping.

I've done the hand-made, home-made gift thing, and that was really fun but labor-intensive...not to mention expensive and eventually overwhelming.

This year I played around with all of the above ideas, but I finally decided to bite the bullet and just go out and buy some gifts. I completed most of this year's shopping in two major excursions, and while I patted myself on the back I took note of the factors that kept me from becoming hysterical or hostile and decided to write them down.

(Of course, being unemployed is a big plus at this time of year, aside from the nagging doubts about spending precious severance dollars when there's no income to replace them. But that's another topic altogether.)

Behold my brilliant advice:

1. Eat lunch. Seriously, this is no time to mess around with your blood sugar levels. When you find yourself trapped in a narrow aisle with a crazy person breathing down your neck and shopping carts coming at you from all directions, that sandwich may be the only thing that keeps you from having a crying, swearing meltdown.
2. Shop in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day. Quit your job if that's what it takes to avoid weekend shopping crowds--better yet, get laid off with severance so you'll have some money to spend on gifts.
3. Know your shortcuts. Getting stuck in stop-and-go traffic can only lead to too much time spent contemplating the futility of life, the decline of humanity and the crass commercialization of Christmas...and that's time you could spend getting a coffee or taking a nap, if only you can navigate the lesser known paths to the mega shopping centers.
4. Keep it simple. Do you really think your aunts, uncles and cousins care how much time you spend deliberating between store-bought and homemade trail mix, or agonizing over what to package it in? Just grab something and move on...if they don't like it, tough shit.
5. Make a list and have a plan. Because while you're waiting in long lines or cowering in the gift wrap aisle, terrified and confused, you'll need something to remind you what your priorities are.
6. Fuck it. Don't be afraid to walk out of a store that has exceeded its capacity for crazed, disgruntled and possibly smelly shoppers. Ask yourself if there's really anything in that store worth entering a potential mosh pit. No? Get the hell out. Yes? Go get a sandwich and come back later.

As a final thought, I believe it's worth noting (yet again) how stinking nice people in Oklahoma can be. Having "Excuse me" answered with "Excuse me, Hon!" is exactly the kind of thing that brought me home.