don't let them take you

Don't turn away

This is our fate

And all this dreaming's just as real

As all that other shit we feel

I've felt myself starting to slip back into my old ways lately: worrying too much and getting frustrated and overwhelmed when things become challenging. Since I moved to Tulsa, I've been pretty good at letting go of worries and staying focused on positive things, but the last few weeks have been a lot more challenging than most.

I've been traveling a lot and spending time away from my cats, which I hate. I'm starting to feel my life is divided between two places again, like it was when I lived in PA--there was my life here in Tulsa with my family, and my life in PA with my job, my cats and my friends. Now my family and my cats are here, but Ryan is in OKC and I usually can't have one without being away from the other. I'm not complaining, mind you! Ryan is wonderful and totally worth the short drive between us...and since I don't have a job I have plenty of time to spend in both places.

However, I am keeping my eyes open for potential jobs in Oklahoma City. I'm just sayin'.

Most of the bullshit with my parents is legitimately infuriating, and the pressure I get from them only compounds the concerns I already have about money, a job, and my living situation. Add to that the holiday stress and some slight hormonal turmoil, and it's no wonder I got back into the old mindset of being pissed off, sick and tired, fed up and bummed out.

Other little frustrations have been piling up too, and I'm finding things seem a lot more difficult than they should be. Stuff like keeping my health insurance, getting money back from failed travel plans, dealing with creditors, refilling prescriptions and simply buying some damn Sudafed for my stuffy head...the red tape is ridiculous!

I guess between those little frustrations and my parents giving me hell, sometimes I feel like I have to fight extra hard for so much of what I need. That's not really the case, though; I have supportive friends and an amazing boyfriend who understand where I am in life and do all they can to encourage me. I have sweet kitty cats who give me love and affection every day. I have two enchanting nephews who never fail to lift my spirits. And these things just are. I don't have to fight to keep them; all I need to do is remember to appreciate them and lean on them when I get into a funk. Everything else is peripheral.

Anyway, the moodiness seems to be passing, and hopefully I'll continue finding the strength to stand firm when people ask about my job situation or my parents start trying to control me.

I know who I am, and I'm not a girl who worries; I am hopeful and grateful and ready to embrace whatever adventure tomorrow brings. I am not emotionally dysfunctional; I just live with people who are, and it will take a lot of resolve to get out of here with my peace of mind intact. I'll do it.

I know what I want, and it doesn't involve making choices based on what other people want me to do. And if I have to continue belaboring that point--in my blog and in conversations--to keep myself on track, that's what I'll do.

This song definitely helps.