Career Development

It's been a while since I've written about work, and an update is overdue.  Mind you, nothing has changed much except my outlook. But, having finally adjusted my expectations, I'm able to enjoy the humor a bit more than I did before.

In the first week I was back from vacation, I essentially had to relearn my job, not once but twice.  The overall objective didn't change at all...just the specific steps and details to get it done.  On my first day back, I was handed new instructions and a new flow chart (the boss loves her flow charts). I spent a few days learning exactly what to put in subject fields of emails and in what order, when to forward vs. when to reply, and how to get things back on track when the attorneys didn't follow the precise instructions.

Meanwhile, I was starting to see signs the boss's recent calm streak was coming to an end as her lucidity began to deteriorate. She chewed out one of my coworkers about a box I put on the floor in my cubicle, asserting that someone could trip over it and get hurt, that she had asked her to put it in some other cubicle (which she didn't specify), and that when she asks someone to do something she expects it to be done.

Then one morning she arrived at my desk, breathless, her hair (which she recently chopped off close to her scalp) sticking up wildly, and told me to hold off doing anything until she took another look at her new instructions and then sent them to me.  Next we went from doing everything by email to eliminating the need for emails (but not really) altogether.

As I was learning the newest new process, she stopped by and informed me that her new way of doing things was going to save me so much time that she was going to be able to utilize me more, adding that she wanted me to help edit and update some training material.

"You're the obvious choice for it," she declared.

I didn't get excited, because by now I've learned that even if I was allowed to use any creativity or individual thought, she'd immediately squash it and I'd eventually go insane trying to do every little detail her way even though I could probably do it better on my own.  And I wasn't about to drag my beloved writing skills into this morbid cycle.

Fortunately, it turned out there was no writing or real editing involved at all.  Instead, I am going through her precious manifesto, editing the background colors and font sizes.  Some pages have blue backgrounds, some white.  Some have frighteningly huge fonts, and others look fairly normal.  All of them are wildly indented, capitalized and underlined in random places.  None of them remain coherent from beginning to end.

Apparently this project is going to open a whole new world for me.

Still Here...

I'm trying to decide on a new design for my blog, so what you're seeing now may or not be permanent.  Nothing seems to fit just right...

Just got back last week from a drive to and from Philly to attend the wedding of Eric & Sara.  We spent more time driving than we spent in Philly, but it was a really nice getaway.  The wedding was lovely, and though I didn't have a lot of time with Eric and Sara, I did get to see enough of them to hold me over until next time...and I got to catch up with lots of friends and former coworkers.

I think it's been long enough--enough time has passed--that it's not entirely crazy for me to say I kind of wish I could go back to work at TV Guide.  Only it's not TV Guide anymore.  But I ran into three or four people who left (some by choice, some not) and have now gone back...that's in addition to several others I already knew about, not to mention many others who've been a part of the same pattern for long as I've worked there. And no one is complaining.

I'd probably have to move back to PA, which isn't entirely out of the question on a long term basis...although it's presently not a real possibility.

Anyway, I had a great trip with Ryan, and before we even finished the grueling drive we were exitedly discussing another road trip to Ohio in the Fall.  And maybe a weekend in Chicago this summer.  Because there's just not much going on here.

Even though I've been back in Tulsa for over two years now, I've never really started a life here.  I've been too busy running around elsewhere, mainly to Oklahoma City, on weekends.  When I do have a weekend at home, it's nice to just be home.  So I'm sort of in a constant state of limbo.

Ryan and I remedy the situation by daydreaming about fun road trips or about running away to start new lives in Pennsylvania...or West Virginia...or who knows where. Truth be told, I'm not sure I'd care a whole lot where I ended up as long as we were together!

It's Something, At Least

I'm feeling especially disgruntled this week. I have that feeling, more than usual, that I should be doing something different...making some sort of change...anything to get out of the rut I'm in.

I've had that feeling so long I don't remember what it's like to feel any other way.

Most of the time I don't think about what a fucking idiot my boss is or how much I hate her. I just keep my head down and try not to take too much initiative or do anything else to bring on her wrath. For the most part it works; we rarely speak to each other. But every now and then something reminds me what a bitch she is, and I get really sulky.

If I ask her a question, instead of using an opportunity to teach me something she just takes the responsibility away and talks behind my back about how I don't know what I'm doing. If I ask someone else, she hears the conversation from her office and assails the person I spoke with, wanting to know what I asked about and what they told me. It's all so absurd!

I've been looking for another job, usually somewhat passively. It seems the recession is just now really taking a toll on the economy here in Oklahoma. Tulsa can't afford to pay all their police officers and firemen, business are closing left and right, and interesting opportunities are few and far between.

So I always come back around to feeling lucky to have my job.

I keep thinking I should get a second job to bring in some extra money, so maybe I can eventually afford to change jobs and move to Oklahoma City. At least then I'd be able to see Ryan more often.

But I don't want to do anything that involves standing up all the time...I have plantar fasciitus and my feet hurt too much. And no call centers...I don't have the patience to deal with stupid people. And not too many weekend shifts, or I'd never get to see Ryan.

This is where I lose my ambition and start looking for other ideas.

Volunteering...I really miss volunteering. In fact, it's utterly ridiculous that I've been back in Tulsa nearly two years and have never found myself a new cat-wrangling gig.

So I've filled out a volunteer application for the Tulsa SPCA, and I'm going to take it in to one of the next volunteer orientation meetings. Now we're talking!

I interviewed for a job there last Spring, but I opted for the veterinary job in Oklahoma City instead...and we know how that turned out. I probably couldn't have survived on the pay at the SPCA anyway, and there were no health benefits. But I think I can afford to volunteer there.

In fact, maybe I can't afford not to.

Complacent and Not Hating It

What a bad blogger I am! I guess you could say my recent hiatus has been due to nothing but more (and more) of the same--more hating the same job, more loving the same terrific guy, more wallowing in cat fur, and lots of "Lost" marathons in preparation for the final season.

I told myself I'd start job hunting for real after Christmas, which marked my six-month anniversary at the law firm. But it appears I'm getting a little complacent. Health benefits are nice, and I got a Christmas bonus for the first time in ten years.

My boss changed things around on us again a few months ago, and now I'm doing very little of the work I was hired for. She assured me this would be a great opportunity for me, and we had an excited conversation about some of my skills we could put to use--recruiting attorneys, writing coherent polices and procedures, organizing and such. She even gave us free reign for a few days to work out some of the details on our own.

Of course, she eventually accused us of changing policies without her permission and conveniently forgot some of the changes she'd agreed to. And the recruiting project went to just about everyone but me (not that I really regret that). I do a lot of filing these days, which apparently makes me seem like less of a threat to her. She leaves me alone most of the time, and she seems to have stumbled onto a division of work that fits everyone's skills quite well. Our numbers are in the excellent range, she gets the credit, and everyone seems a little less miserable.

Don't get me wrong...she's still bat shit crazy and I hate her with all I have in me.

But today she approved a week off in Spring to attend Eric-and-Sara's wedding in PA, and I'm feeling exceptionally positive at the moment.

Ryan and I are super excited to start planning our trip. We've both been terribly homesick for that part of the country, and we're thinking about making a road trip of it. A quick road trip, mind you, and a lot of ground to cover...but it'll be lots of fun.

I feel like my writing skills are fading fast. My job and the correspondence involved certainly don't seem to require mastery of the English language; even the attorneys are a testament to that. But lately I've been thinking more and more about dusting off my creativity and putting it to work, and I have a few projects in mind...so maybe this post will mark my official return to the world of blogging.

This is my therapy.

antics and semantics

Last week was better than the week before, as far as work goes, but we still had our bumps.

On Wednesday, one of the attorneys asked for copies of some old letters, and I volunteered to send them. This is what I do all the time, after all, and I thought it would take about a minute of my time. However, it turned out the letters had never been scanned into our electronic files, and the attorney who wrote them was long gone.

As I was realizing this, the boss walked by and facetiously asked if I'd found the letters. Then she laughed and said, "I knew you wouldn't, but you you just had to reply to that email so quickly, I thought I'd let you try." I asked her what next, and she suggested asking the admins if any of them could find the letters.

One of them found the missing documents pretty quickly, and I thought that was the end of it until I learned one of the letters--the most important one, of course--was not in the packet. So the next day I asked one of the admins for more help, and he said he didn't know what else to suggest except looking in the file room.

So I had to ask my boss for a key to the file room, and she seemed a little perturbed (though still amused) that I was still on the hunt. About 24 hours had passed by this time, and apparently she thought I'd been searching high and low for that damn letter the whole time. She shook her head and said I could try looking in the file room but I probably wouldn't find it.

After searching through piles and piles of paper in the black hole that is the file room, I took the key back and admitted defeat. She chastised me for wasting time on something that wasn't my job, and then she said she'd take care of it.

Question: Why didn't she offer to take care of it from the beginning and tell me not to worry about it, since it wasn't my responsibility???

Answer: To teach me a lesson, apparently.

Sure enough, after the admins found the letter, she forwarded one of their emails to me and wrote, "A lesson learned...know your team!"

I know my fucking team, bitch. But I did learn a lesson: on this job, being proactive can only lead to ridicule and shame.

As unbearable as this condescending bullshit was, I continued working relentlessly and tried to get past it.

Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to tell me she still wanted to "realign some things," because the stats weren't quite where they needed to be. She went on for a bit about how I needed to focus on Day One referrals and nothing else. I was a little puzzled as to why she was telling me this again, because I'd been doing exactly that with a vengeance for the last couple of weeks. So I respectfully tried to clarify.

Me: What am I doing that I shouldn't be doing?

Boss (viciously): Did you not hear what I just said two sentences ago? I said nobody's doing anything wrong, and it really bothers me when people act like they're being attacked just because I'm trying to do my job...

Me: I guess what I meant to ask was what you would like me to do differently, since the stats aren't where you want them to be.

Boss: You just don't worry about the stats. You let me worry about that.

Me (in my head): Wait, what is this conversation even about?

She went on for a while about how she knows what she's talking about, and how the bosses are riding her all the time, and how "someone" insisted they knew how to do things better than she did, and she gave that a chance but it just wasn't working. She talked about how it was her job improve the stats and try to keep people happy.

"...and I even let you change your hours, and you didn't have ask me to, I just suggested it."

Exactly. I didn't ask her to, and I certainly don't consider it a favor.

She kept going on and on, and I wish I could recount the conversation better, but she seriously says the most nonsensical, incoherent things.

"...and I know you're capable," she said several times, sounding puzzled. WTF?

She finally managed to articulate that we're all doing well, but that she's trying to figure out what's making us fall just short of our goal.

Aha! After all the bullshit, we finally got to the real point. Then she told me she's heard lots of good things about me, I'm very personable, and she hears me on the phone and thinks I'm doing a good job. We agreed that I'd continue doing what I've been doing, and I went back to my desk.

She got in one more dig as I left, saying, "and no more chasing down letters for you!"

Does any of the above make any sense?

All I know is that I'm getting a funny feeling in my chest just writing about it. I'm still working on my own attitude, but I'm feeling the pressure big time and something is going to have to give eventually. I don't know if I can learn to tolerate this kind of malicious, divisive management.

I've been reading a book Ryan got me called "Do What You Are," and I picked it up again this weekend after letting it sit for a while. It discusses the Myers-Briggs personality types and several related theories, and it has given me a little fresh insight into why the boss and I clash so violently.

I'm primarily a feeler, so harmony and teamwork are extremely important to me. I also love to look at things from new perspectives, constantly using my creativity to seek new and better ways of doing things. I think these qualities, especially the second one, have been a major factor in the successes I've had so far.

But my current employer doesn't seem to place much value on these qualities at all. And since I'm a passionate person who makes decisions based on my own deeply held values, this drives me crazy!

Maybe I'm onto something. Maybe this book will help me use the whole disgusting, disheartening experience to develop specific standards for my next job. I certainly hope it'll prepare me to answer interview questions about why I want to leave this job without saying "My boss is bat shit crazy."

blog that bitch right out of my hair

Things got pretty awful at work last week...not "you're fired" or "I quit" awful...not throwing office equipment or stabbing people with scissors awful...just sick-feeling-in-the-stomach every morning, tossing-and-turning every night awful. I don't remember when my boss really went psychotic on us, but I do remember that my irritation turned to rage last Monday after a sequence of repeated proverbial slaps in the face.

We recently had a "customer service week" during which the bosses had to pretend to be nice, and they placated us with food, games and hollow praise. One of the games involved picking up pieces of paper from the floor, and some of them had notes granting one free hour off. I didn't get one, but the boss asked if everyone had found one and indicated she wanted everyone to get an hour off.

I answered her email in the simplest language I could, indicating that I did not get one of the special pieces of paper, and a few minutes later I heard her say "Yep, everybody got one."

Well, I thought it would be nice to take off an hour early the Friday before my one year anniversary with Ryan, so I emailed her a few days later to ask if I was supposed to get an hour off and, if so, could I use it on that date. No reply.

I emailed her again a couple of days later with the same questions. No reply.

I finally went to her office to ask about it, because I also needed a long lunch for a doctor visit and she hadn't responded to that request either.

"I don't care if you leave early," she said grudgingly, "but my referrals have to be in good shape."

That Friday was a slow day, and things were in pretty good shape when I left about 40 minutes early. She was out of the office for a conference, as were several of our attorneys, and a lot of people blatantly took advantage of the lack of supervision.

But who do you think she went after first thing Monday morning? She went to my coworker and said "I hope Katy didn't leave early Friday because I told her not to if the numbers aren't low. And the numbers aren't low." I don't even know what that means, but one of my coworkers came in several hours late and the other one snuck out early without permission, and we still managed to get things under control to a point that I felt comfortable leaving "with permission."

With the boss and all the attorneys back that Monday and working furiously to catch up, we got absolutely slammed. Of course, our boss had changed some of our procedures again, so in addition to being extremely busy we were also floundering a little with the new work flow.

And I was mad as balls that one little hour off had turned out to be such a hassle.

She's been hounding us like crazy since then, micromanaging us obsessively and trying to figure out how to get better "numbers" out of us. She sent several of her obnoxious, tyrannical emails on Tuesday, reminding us of this and that and basically complaining about what we hadn't been able to finish the day before, and that was when I reached my limit.

I replied to one of her emails and, very reasonably and professionally, explained that I'd been working my ass off, that we were behind due to an epic number of incoming referrals the day before, not because we were slacking off. And then I added, also very professionally, that her changing the rules on us slowed us down as well, that I didn't disagree with her decision, but that she has to understand that every time there's a change it's going to take some time for us to adjust and get back to our maximum efficiency.

It was all out war for the rest of the week.

She sent emails saying she's the boss and she knows what she's talking about, and we are to expect emails from her regarding our work and shouldn't take them personally. She started checking up on my work and sending me emails questioning minute details. She cornered me by the printer and asked if I was following the new guidelines, then said "Huh..." and shook her head like she didn't believe me when I said yes.

She nagged me for information that she no doubt thought I was refusing to send out of spite, when in fact there was just a lag in the email system. She called me into her office, furious, and informed me that "if we're going to start getting defensive out there, we're going to have a problem."

And then, Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to sit down and have an actual conversation about what her bosses look for, how she measures it, and what she wants from me...all shit she should have done BEFORE she started stalking me like a rabid dog!

She was still racking her brain for reasons my "numbers" aren't as good as my coworkers', and I tried to explain that the numbers don't reflect all the work I do, especially when I follow her guidelines. I walked her through this three times, and she still didn't understand. But she offered to change my work hours, something I've been wanting to ask for but figured she'd refuse just because it was my idea.

I really, really tried to adjust my attitude over the weekend. I put work completely out of my mind until Sunday, when I returned to dwelling on the things that piss me off. For example:

• The bitch refuses to listen to or consider any input from me, and she probably never even looked at my resume long enough to see that I'm actually pretty good at developing more efficient ways of getting things done.
• The bitch swears that she knows what works and that no one else knows better than her, and she completely disregards the fact that what works for her doesn't necessarily work for everyone.
• The bitch behaves like she doesn't trust me or have any confidence in me, and she constantly implies that I'm slacking off or don't know what I'm doing, when in fact I'm at least as focused and conscientious as my coworkers...if not more so.
• The bitch seems to actually think nagging us constantly is an appropriate way to motivate us, when in fact she's just bullying us into to meeting a very narrow set of standards that don't actually have much at all to do with the quality of our work.

I eventually did some meditation/hypnosis with Ryan in hopes of taking a Serenity Prayer approach to the whole mess. And that was when I got to the core the matter. It's not that I don't think I'm good enough, or that I'm as self righteous and arrogant as I probably sound, or that I give a damn what she thinks of me.

It's simply that I'm angry, and frustrated, and I have good reasons to be.

However, I shouldn't be letting this anger bleed into every area of my life to the point where I'm glaring at other Wal-Mart shoppers, flipping people off in traffic, lying awake at night and feeling generally mad at the world. And I shouldn't ever hang too much hope on seeing things change for the better there--outside of my own attitude, of course.

I think I just need to acknowledge my anger, give it a place and then use it.

So I'm not sure if the attitude adjustment actually worked, but things were a little better today. I worked frantically and relentlessly, and I wrote down every damn thing I worked on so I could defend myself if the boss asked why I wasn't getting enough done. And I only referred to her as "that bitch" two or three times--at least, before I sat down and started blogging!

Part of the whole accepting my anger thing is what led to this horridly long blog post. I have been avoiding the blog, and therefore depriving myself of a great way to vent frustrations, because I'm afraid of being that girl who complains about her job all the time.

But I think I just need to be that girl in my blog so I can work through things and maybe even track my progress. Yeah, some day I'll go back and read it and say "Wow, I was one bitter, sarcastic bitch back then!" But it won't be the first time...

Should I be worried...

...about the fact that I've found myself behind this car twice in the last week?

Small Victories - I'll Take 'Em

This was one of those rainy Fall days...the kind with a constant cold drizzle that eventually seeps into your bones and makes the urge to stay in bed so strong that you end up having to go to work with unwashed hair and wrinkled slacks...and even then you can't make it on time unless you're willing to give up stopping for coffee.

I opted for the coffee stop this morning, and I don't regret it.

This afternoon our supervising attorney thanked me for following up on something and being so thorough, and she said I was a pleasure to work with. I had emailed both her and my boss with a question, and she had given me a direct and simple, helpful answer. She copied my boss when she sent this bit of praise, and it made me very happy as she is the boss's boss.

A bit later I emailed both of them again with a question about something the supervising attorney had written in one of our intakes. This time, my boss replied--only to me--with "these questions come to me."

Mind you, she didn't answer the question...nor did she even pretend to talk around it. She just flat out disregarded it. But she damn sure asserted her authority!

Also today, the supervising attorney (who is officially my hero) emailed us to say she'd called the guy who chewed me out yesterday (and who subsequently chewed out my boss) and told him our firm will no longer be assisting him, as he has been abusive to our staff members.

In all, it was a pretty good day in spite of the boss's antics. I do feel trouble brewing, though. Even though I'm thorough and a pleasure to work with, our numbers aren't good enough and the boss is trying to figure out what needs to change. I made a couple of suggestions, which she pretty much dismissed, saying "I know what works."

But she mainly attributed our less-than-excellent scores to "absences" with a pointed look at my coworker....my coworker who has three kids--one with a rare neurological disease and another who's three months old and spent the first week of her life in ICU--and who missed work Friday for two of the kids' doctor appointments.

Never mind that lately there's simply more work coming in...more than we can easily handle within a restricted number of hours. We can make it work, but my boss's instructions to start "showing her everything before I send it" won't help any.*

Anyway, the complement seems to have lit a spark in me, and I really feel like fighting the boss's nonsense. She'll win...but I'll be right and we'll all know it. And one day, maybe my coworker and I will be given the respect we work so hard for.

*Yeah, I know that's poor use of quotation marks. I just don't care.

The Adventures of a Lukewarm Blogger

I've been waiting to write my 100th post until I could think of something special to do, but that eventually became just one of the many things I was putting off. So I've decided to just get it over with and start working on the next 100 posts.

Effective this Friday I'm getting hired "permanently" at my job. Part of me thinks my boss is only doing this because she can't be bothered to keep approving my time card every week for the temp agency. I have, you see, had to remind her every single fucking Monday since the week she forgot to pay me, and that's usually after two other courtesy reminders on Friday!

Maybe it's the weather...the recent cooling-off and the unusual amount of rain for this time of year...maybe it's the chaotic work environment with a boss who openly avoids having to talk to us whenever she can get away with it and talks gibberish when she does bother to communicate...maybe it's the fact that I'm making just enough money to tread water but can't ever quite get my head above the surface and keep it there. Whatever it is, I'm more stressed out than ever, and I'm feeling pretty down about it.

Work today felt like what I imagine it's like to be buried alive. I started out in a hole, and every time I tried to climb out, someone threw another shovel full of dirt on me. And before I could dig my way out of that dirt, another load fell in on me. By the end of the day, somehow I had more stuff piled up than when I started, even though I'd been working nonstop all day. I hate that feeling.

Eh...it's just a gloomy day. And I'm coming down off a "customer service week" high, during which my boss had to pretend she appreciated us but ended up using all the "fun" activities as an excuse to avoid communicating with us. And I had a client chew me out today for something that was totally not my fault. I wasn't expecting that, so I had my guard down. Hell, I always have my guard down when it comes to being yelled at for things I can't control, because I just don't understand that mentality.

I absolutely hate people who think the only way to get what they want is by bullying others. And that is why customer service is NOT the field for me!

So there's a little slice of what my life's been like lately: I don't like my job, and I detest my boss. I'm bitter and cynical and pissed off, and recently I've had to edit myself because more and more I find I'm becoming that negative person in the office who makes everyone else feel hopeless. I usually catch it and try to come up with something positive in its place, but it's totally empty. I don't believe a damn word I'm saying.

I guess that's why, paragraph after paragraph, I keep telling myself pretty soon this post will take on a positive tone. And I just keep bitching. I'm an endless fountain of bitching.

Well, there are some things to be happy about...for example, I'm halfway through Season 1 of "Lost," and I'm enjoying the early episodes more than ever this time around. My goal is to watch all of the first five seasons before Season 6 starts in early 2010.

Lying around watching TV for hours on end and then more hours on end? It won't be easy, but I think I'm up for the challenge.

And, now that Post #100 is done, I can come back for #101 very soon to daydream, tell a funny story, or just bitch and moan some more...whatever the hell I feel like doing!