I Don't Know

I’ve spent a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking about who I really am. Not who I was at TV Guide, who I was with Mark, who I am with my family or who I can become based on various other external influences…but who I am when all the extra stuff is stripped away and I allow myself to just be.

It hasn’t been easy to be quiet and listen to myself; there are plenty of distractions to take up my time and energy, and it’s easy to mechanically get caught up in the distractions instead of digging for the truth. The challenge is not in finding myself, but in putting everything else out of my mind and letting myself find me.

A few days at a bed and breakfast in the mountains seemed like the ideal way to begin my quest, and the place I chose was absolutely perfect: secluded and quiet, comfy and cozy, and just friendly enough without being intrusive. In fact, I knew I was in the right place when two adorable dogs came out to greet me as I got out of my car!

But I didn’t find myself focusing on the resident animals as much as I might have normally. It did take me a couple of days to stop worrying about finding wi-fi access, and I spent a lot of time shopping and sight-seeing. But on the third day I determined that I would make time to sit still and do nothing if it meant tying myself down to the porch swing.

One of the first things that occurred to me that weekend was “What if I don’t like myelf?”

Of course this is absurd, and it’s not for me to like or dislike…I am what I am, and I want to find that and run with it. I thought my first blog entry would serve to present my findings during the vacation, but it’s not working out that way. I’m still learning how to listen to my inner voice instead of worrying about what other people think I should do or be, or what they might think of who I become.

The one thing I have determined with absolute certainly is that I have a rare chance to take a break from working and explore the possibilities. And if I don’t make this most of this chance, I may never get another one. I cannot get caught up in worrying about money and end up taking a “good” job that doesn’t fit me! I can’t be concerned with what the world thinks I should be doing—getting married, having babies, buying a house or whatever “normal” people are doing. I can’t feel guilty or lazy every time someone hints at the question of how long I’m going to remain unemployed.

A friend recently expressed how much peace he’s found in being able to simply say “I don’t know.”

So there it is: I don't know; I don’t have a plan.

And I like it that way.