My, how the last month has flown by! I got in lots of great time with my nephews, planted an herb garden, spent some long weekends with Ryan, and got a sunburn that won't quit...and then I started a new job, just three weeks after my previous employer kicked me out of the loony bin.
The new job is just a filing job, but it's with a company that has a great reputation in Tulsa and is known for hiring on temps pretty quickly, with good pay and superb benefits. Even as a temp, I'm getting the same hourly pay as my last job, and this new job is easier by far. Everyone I've met is friendly and helpful, and I haven't heard a single person say (or even hint at) anything unfavorable about anyone else in the office. The only down side is that it can get boring, but I offer to help with anything and everything whenever I get the chance. The boss has already given me a couple of projects, and hopefully she'll keep them coming.
The whole experience has been quite a shock to my system, in the best possible way. Sometimes while I'm sitting at my desk alone, listening to music as I put stickers on file folders, I wonder why no one has come along to tell me I'm doing it wrong and that I should do it his or her way because he or she knows all about the most efficient way to put stickers on file folders...
...and then I remember where I am.
It's been a bit of a pain in the ass getting to and from the largest office building downtown, right in the middle of everything. But I kind of like the fact that it's right in the middle of everything - downtown Tulsa actually has its own special kind of charm! I'm looking forward to getting out for some walks to explore it more once this inferno of a summer lets up a little.
I've never worked in a place that didn't have its own (free) parking lot before, so it took me a while to figure out my options. But I've found a really cheap place to park just a couple of blocks away. The walk is literally uphill both ways, as it involves crossing a bridge that arches over some train tracks. Given my history of being never-quite-on-time, it's probably going to be quite a brisk walk most mornings!
It's not terribly strenuous, but--combined with a couple of pretty good treks to the cafeteria (seriously, the building is huge)--it's notably more activity than I'm used to. Hopefully this will have a positive impact on my beer gut.
In other exciting news, last weekend I finally attended a volunteer orientation at the SPCA here in Tulsa...only a short five months after I first filled out my application. It's going to be a little difficult finding time to get out there, because they're not open in the evenings or on Sunday. And of course I'm out of town at least half the time on Saturdays.
But I'm really going to make the effort, because I know it'll be worth it. I was grinning like a fool after the orientation, so the animal time is clearly something my soul craves.
Getting some cat time in won't be too hard. I can just put on my SPCA t-shirt and go play with the cats whenever I have time. To work with the dogs, though, I'll have to schedule some additional required training first. And I'm really eager to do that, because I've been wanting to learn how to handle dogs for a long time. And it's not like you can just go sign up for a class at PetSmart if you don't actually have a dog...
In all, things really seem to be looking up. I feel renewed and refreshed and all that great stuff, and I'm pretty sure it's all because I got out of the most hostile work environment I've ever seen. It was kind of like an abusive relationship...I'd gotten so used to being treated like shit that I got in the habit of keeping my head down and avoiding conflict until it actually started to seem normal.
It wasn't until I got away and came to my senses that I looked back with horror at how much abuse I had learned to put up with.
Never again, my friends. Never again.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Vacation
Apparently the side effects of a highly toxic job are beginning to dissipate. I made it past the shocked and depressed stage and have been remarkably relaxed all week. I had lunch with my former co-worker (who's now my fellow deadbeat), spent some time at the pool, did some gardening and scoped out the thrift stores. It's been a good week.
I'm feeling pretty restless again today, probably because I need to do some house work and wish there was something more pressing to keep me from it.
Tonight I'm going out for drinks with my former coworker and an attorney who also got laid off recently. But if I don't do some laundry, I'm not going to have anything to wear!
My mom is keeping my nephews during the day all summer...this week their mom is on vacation, but next week they'll be back and things will pick up tremendously. Charlie is still the bubbly kid who can't sit still and requires a constant audience. Talon, on the other hand, has become a sullen 11-year-old who hides behind long blonde locks and doesn't want to play or talk or do anything but sleep and watch TV. He's too cool for Grandma's house, apparently!
It'll be nice to have some quality time with them...with their splitting time between divorced parents and my splitting time between Tulsa and OKC, I haven't been able to see them nearly enough lately.
I'm feeling pretty restless again today, probably because I need to do some house work and wish there was something more pressing to keep me from it.
Tonight I'm going out for drinks with my former coworker and an attorney who also got laid off recently. But if I don't do some laundry, I'm not going to have anything to wear!
My mom is keeping my nephews during the day all summer...this week their mom is on vacation, but next week they'll be back and things will pick up tremendously. Charlie is still the bubbly kid who can't sit still and requires a constant audience. Talon, on the other hand, has become a sullen 11-year-old who hides behind long blonde locks and doesn't want to play or talk or do anything but sleep and watch TV. He's too cool for Grandma's house, apparently!
It'll be nice to have some quality time with them...with their splitting time between divorced parents and my splitting time between Tulsa and OKC, I haven't been able to see them nearly enough lately.
Monday, June 14, 2010
What You Wish For
It appears that--for the time being, at least--I'm through writing blog entries about how much I hate my job. That's the good news.
The bad news is I'm back to writing endless posts about the angst of job searching.
I was laid off last Wednesday. I saw this coming, and I was hoping for it...hoping very hard, in fact. So I can't explain why it threw me for such a loop or why I've spent the last few days in a state of depression, confusion and shock.
We'd already been told we'd have to start taking two furlough days a month, and everyone was pretty discouraged by that. It took over a week for someone to find time to speak to us face to face about the furlough days and other cuts, and by then I was thoroughly disgusted. Summer vacations combined with everyone's furlough days made big cuts in our staffing on a daily basis, and the boss was managing it all terribly, as usual.
Then a couple of attorneys suddenly vanished. And two days before the bomb dropped, I learned one of my coworkers was training some CSRs to do my job. I thought that was poor timing and pretty tacky, but I chalked it up to one of my boss's crazy ideas on how to manage the staffing shortages caused by furlough days. I was past caring at this point, and way past anger, so I didn't think much more about it.
The next day my closest coworker and I couldn't log in to the system and therefore couldn't do much of anything. Our boss told us someone in the corporate office had accidentally deleted our login IDs, and that the only person who could fix it was out of the office for the day. She proceeded to print off a bunch of intakes for us to work from, a ridiculous solution as our system is used to track every step of the process, note every phone call and record every change of status. A slogan we often heard was "If it's not noted in the intake, it didn't happen."
So I guess a lot of work didn't happen that day, and it was beyond frustrating, as the other two people who could do our job were off that day. The boss, of course, was nowhere to be found, although her ass should have been helping us deal with the mess.
Around 4pm, my coworker appeared with a pale face and said she'd been called into the boss's office. At that point, I just gave up trying to work and waited with my stomach in knots. Sure enough, she eventually reappeared with a tear in her eye and nodded...and I knew they were letting her go.
I was completely stunned, and all I could do was stand next to her desk thinking "NO!!! It was supposed to be me!"
Then the boss came for me, and I felt an enormous relief. I'm told the boss cried while breaking the news to my coworker, but I saw no tears when it was my turn and I certainly didn't shed any. It was all a blur after that...we both quickly cleaned out our desks, said goodbye to everyone and went out for a beer.
I've spent the last few days moping, staring into space, and wondering why me? But I'm getting past that phase now and starting to enjoy the prospect of waking up in the morning and NOT going back to a job that was slowly killing me.
I still don't quite know what to do with myself, but I guess now I have plenty of time to figure it out.
The bad news is I'm back to writing endless posts about the angst of job searching.
I was laid off last Wednesday. I saw this coming, and I was hoping for it...hoping very hard, in fact. So I can't explain why it threw me for such a loop or why I've spent the last few days in a state of depression, confusion and shock.
We'd already been told we'd have to start taking two furlough days a month, and everyone was pretty discouraged by that. It took over a week for someone to find time to speak to us face to face about the furlough days and other cuts, and by then I was thoroughly disgusted. Summer vacations combined with everyone's furlough days made big cuts in our staffing on a daily basis, and the boss was managing it all terribly, as usual.
Then a couple of attorneys suddenly vanished. And two days before the bomb dropped, I learned one of my coworkers was training some CSRs to do my job. I thought that was poor timing and pretty tacky, but I chalked it up to one of my boss's crazy ideas on how to manage the staffing shortages caused by furlough days. I was past caring at this point, and way past anger, so I didn't think much more about it.
The next day my closest coworker and I couldn't log in to the system and therefore couldn't do much of anything. Our boss told us someone in the corporate office had accidentally deleted our login IDs, and that the only person who could fix it was out of the office for the day. She proceeded to print off a bunch of intakes for us to work from, a ridiculous solution as our system is used to track every step of the process, note every phone call and record every change of status. A slogan we often heard was "If it's not noted in the intake, it didn't happen."
So I guess a lot of work didn't happen that day, and it was beyond frustrating, as the other two people who could do our job were off that day. The boss, of course, was nowhere to be found, although her ass should have been helping us deal with the mess.
Around 4pm, my coworker appeared with a pale face and said she'd been called into the boss's office. At that point, I just gave up trying to work and waited with my stomach in knots. Sure enough, she eventually reappeared with a tear in her eye and nodded...and I knew they were letting her go.
I was completely stunned, and all I could do was stand next to her desk thinking "NO!!! It was supposed to be me!"
Then the boss came for me, and I felt an enormous relief. I'm told the boss cried while breaking the news to my coworker, but I saw no tears when it was my turn and I certainly didn't shed any. It was all a blur after that...we both quickly cleaned out our desks, said goodbye to everyone and went out for a beer.
I've spent the last few days moping, staring into space, and wondering why me? But I'm getting past that phase now and starting to enjoy the prospect of waking up in the morning and NOT going back to a job that was slowly killing me.
I still don't quite know what to do with myself, but I guess now I have plenty of time to figure it out.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Career Development
It's been a while since I've written about work, and an update is overdue. Mind you, nothing has changed much except my outlook. But, having finally adjusted my expectations, I'm able to enjoy the humor a bit more than I did before.
In the first week I was back from vacation, I essentially had to relearn my job, not once but twice. The overall objective didn't change at all...just the specific steps and details to get it done. On my first day back, I was handed new instructions and a new flow chart (the boss loves her flow charts). I spent a few days learning exactly what to put in subject fields of emails and in what order, when to forward vs. when to reply, and how to get things back on track when the attorneys didn't follow the precise instructions.
Meanwhile, I was starting to see signs the boss's recent calm streak was coming to an end as her lucidity began to deteriorate. She chewed out one of my coworkers about a box I put on the floor in my cubicle, asserting that someone could trip over it and get hurt, that she had asked her to put it in some other cubicle (which she didn't specify), and that when she asks someone to do something she expects it to be done.
Then one morning she arrived at my desk, breathless, her hair (which she recently chopped off close to her scalp) sticking up wildly, and told me to hold off doing anything until she took another look at her new instructions and then sent them to me. Next we went from doing everything by email to eliminating the need for emails (but not really) altogether.
As I was learning the newest new process, she stopped by and informed me that her new way of doing things was going to save me so much time that she was going to be able to utilize me more, adding that she wanted me to help edit and update some training material.
"You're the obvious choice for it," she declared.
I didn't get excited, because by now I've learned that even if I was allowed to use any creativity or individual thought, she'd immediately squash it and I'd eventually go insane trying to do every little detail her way even though I could probably do it better on my own. And I wasn't about to drag my beloved writing skills into this morbid cycle.
Fortunately, it turned out there was no writing or real editing involved at all. Instead, I am going through her precious manifesto, editing the background colors and font sizes. Some pages have blue backgrounds, some white. Some have frighteningly huge fonts, and others look fairly normal. All of them are wildly indented, capitalized and underlined in random places. None of them remain coherent from beginning to end.
Apparently this project is going to open a whole new world for me.
In the first week I was back from vacation, I essentially had to relearn my job, not once but twice. The overall objective didn't change at all...just the specific steps and details to get it done. On my first day back, I was handed new instructions and a new flow chart (the boss loves her flow charts). I spent a few days learning exactly what to put in subject fields of emails and in what order, when to forward vs. when to reply, and how to get things back on track when the attorneys didn't follow the precise instructions.
Meanwhile, I was starting to see signs the boss's recent calm streak was coming to an end as her lucidity began to deteriorate. She chewed out one of my coworkers about a box I put on the floor in my cubicle, asserting that someone could trip over it and get hurt, that she had asked her to put it in some other cubicle (which she didn't specify), and that when she asks someone to do something she expects it to be done.
Then one morning she arrived at my desk, breathless, her hair (which she recently chopped off close to her scalp) sticking up wildly, and told me to hold off doing anything until she took another look at her new instructions and then sent them to me. Next we went from doing everything by email to eliminating the need for emails (but not really) altogether.
As I was learning the newest new process, she stopped by and informed me that her new way of doing things was going to save me so much time that she was going to be able to utilize me more, adding that she wanted me to help edit and update some training material.
"You're the obvious choice for it," she declared.
I didn't get excited, because by now I've learned that even if I was allowed to use any creativity or individual thought, she'd immediately squash it and I'd eventually go insane trying to do every little detail her way even though I could probably do it better on my own. And I wasn't about to drag my beloved writing skills into this morbid cycle.
Fortunately, it turned out there was no writing or real editing involved at all. Instead, I am going through her precious manifesto, editing the background colors and font sizes. Some pages have blue backgrounds, some white. Some have frighteningly huge fonts, and others look fairly normal. All of them are wildly indented, capitalized and underlined in random places. None of them remain coherent from beginning to end.
Apparently this project is going to open a whole new world for me.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Still Here...
I'm trying to decide on a new design for my blog, so what you're seeing now may or not be permanent. Nothing seems to fit just right...
Just got back last week from a drive to and from Philly to attend the wedding of Eric & Sara. We spent more time driving than we spent in Philly, but it was a really nice getaway. The wedding was lovely, and though I didn't have a lot of time with Eric and Sara, I did get to see enough of them to hold me over until next time...and I got to catch up with lots of friends and former coworkers.
I think it's been long enough--enough time has passed--that it's not entirely crazy for me to say I kind of wish I could go back to work at TV Guide. Only it's not TV Guide anymore. But I ran into three or four people who left (some by choice, some not) and have now gone back...that's in addition to several others I already knew about, not to mention many others who've been a part of the same pattern for long as I've worked there. And no one is complaining.
I'd probably have to move back to PA, which isn't entirely out of the question on a long term basis...although it's presently not a real possibility.
Anyway, I had a great trip with Ryan, and before we even finished the grueling drive we were exitedly discussing another road trip to Ohio in the Fall. And maybe a weekend in Chicago this summer. Because there's just not much going on here.
Even though I've been back in Tulsa for over two years now, I've never really started a life here. I've been too busy running around elsewhere, mainly to Oklahoma City, on weekends. When I do have a weekend at home, it's nice to just be home. So I'm sort of in a constant state of limbo.
Ryan and I remedy the situation by daydreaming about fun road trips or about running away to start new lives in Pennsylvania...or West Virginia...or who knows where. Truth be told, I'm not sure I'd care a whole lot where I ended up as long as we were together!
Just got back last week from a drive to and from Philly to attend the wedding of Eric & Sara. We spent more time driving than we spent in Philly, but it was a really nice getaway. The wedding was lovely, and though I didn't have a lot of time with Eric and Sara, I did get to see enough of them to hold me over until next time...and I got to catch up with lots of friends and former coworkers.
I think it's been long enough--enough time has passed--that it's not entirely crazy for me to say I kind of wish I could go back to work at TV Guide. Only it's not TV Guide anymore. But I ran into three or four people who left (some by choice, some not) and have now gone back...that's in addition to several others I already knew about, not to mention many others who've been a part of the same pattern for long as I've worked there. And no one is complaining.
I'd probably have to move back to PA, which isn't entirely out of the question on a long term basis...although it's presently not a real possibility.
Anyway, I had a great trip with Ryan, and before we even finished the grueling drive we were exitedly discussing another road trip to Ohio in the Fall. And maybe a weekend in Chicago this summer. Because there's just not much going on here.
Even though I've been back in Tulsa for over two years now, I've never really started a life here. I've been too busy running around elsewhere, mainly to Oklahoma City, on weekends. When I do have a weekend at home, it's nice to just be home. So I'm sort of in a constant state of limbo.
Ryan and I remedy the situation by daydreaming about fun road trips or about running away to start new lives in Pennsylvania...or West Virginia...or who knows where. Truth be told, I'm not sure I'd care a whole lot where I ended up as long as we were together!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
It's Something, At Least
I'm feeling especially disgruntled this week. I have that feeling, more than usual, that I should be doing something different...making some sort of change...anything to get out of the rut I'm in.
I've had that feeling so long I don't remember what it's like to feel any other way.
Most of the time I don't think about what a fucking idiot my boss is or how much I hate her. I just keep my head down and try not to take too much initiative or do anything else to bring on her wrath. For the most part it works; we rarely speak to each other. But every now and then something reminds me what a bitch she is, and I get really sulky.
If I ask her a question, instead of using an opportunity to teach me something she just takes the responsibility away and talks behind my back about how I don't know what I'm doing. If I ask someone else, she hears the conversation from her office and assails the person I spoke with, wanting to know what I asked about and what they told me. It's all so absurd!
I've been looking for another job, usually somewhat passively. It seems the recession is just now really taking a toll on the economy here in Oklahoma. Tulsa can't afford to pay all their police officers and firemen, business are closing left and right, and interesting opportunities are few and far between.
So I always come back around to feeling lucky to have my job.
I keep thinking I should get a second job to bring in some extra money, so maybe I can eventually afford to change jobs and move to Oklahoma City. At least then I'd be able to see Ryan more often.
But I don't want to do anything that involves standing up all the time...I have plantar fasciitus and my feet hurt too much. And no call centers...I don't have the patience to deal with stupid people. And not too many weekend shifts, or I'd never get to see Ryan.
This is where I lose my ambition and start looking for other ideas.
Volunteering...I really miss volunteering. In fact, it's utterly ridiculous that I've been back in Tulsa nearly two years and have never found myself a new cat-wrangling gig.
So I've filled out a volunteer application for the Tulsa SPCA, and I'm going to take it in to one of the next volunteer orientation meetings. Now we're talking!
I interviewed for a job there last Spring, but I opted for the veterinary job in Oklahoma City instead...and we know how that turned out. I probably couldn't have survived on the pay at the SPCA anyway, and there were no health benefits. But I think I can afford to volunteer there.
In fact, maybe I can't afford not to.
I've had that feeling so long I don't remember what it's like to feel any other way.
Most of the time I don't think about what a fucking idiot my boss is or how much I hate her. I just keep my head down and try not to take too much initiative or do anything else to bring on her wrath. For the most part it works; we rarely speak to each other. But every now and then something reminds me what a bitch she is, and I get really sulky.
If I ask her a question, instead of using an opportunity to teach me something she just takes the responsibility away and talks behind my back about how I don't know what I'm doing. If I ask someone else, she hears the conversation from her office and assails the person I spoke with, wanting to know what I asked about and what they told me. It's all so absurd!
I've been looking for another job, usually somewhat passively. It seems the recession is just now really taking a toll on the economy here in Oklahoma. Tulsa can't afford to pay all their police officers and firemen, business are closing left and right, and interesting opportunities are few and far between.
So I always come back around to feeling lucky to have my job.
I keep thinking I should get a second job to bring in some extra money, so maybe I can eventually afford to change jobs and move to Oklahoma City. At least then I'd be able to see Ryan more often.
But I don't want to do anything that involves standing up all the time...I have plantar fasciitus and my feet hurt too much. And no call centers...I don't have the patience to deal with stupid people. And not too many weekend shifts, or I'd never get to see Ryan.
This is where I lose my ambition and start looking for other ideas.
Volunteering...I really miss volunteering. In fact, it's utterly ridiculous that I've been back in Tulsa nearly two years and have never found myself a new cat-wrangling gig.
So I've filled out a volunteer application for the Tulsa SPCA, and I'm going to take it in to one of the next volunteer orientation meetings. Now we're talking!
I interviewed for a job there last Spring, but I opted for the veterinary job in Oklahoma City instead...and we know how that turned out. I probably couldn't have survived on the pay at the SPCA anyway, and there were no health benefits. But I think I can afford to volunteer there.
In fact, maybe I can't afford not to.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Complacent and Not Hating It
What a bad blogger I am! I guess you could say my recent hiatus has been due to nothing but more (and more) of the same--more hating the same job, more loving the same terrific guy, more wallowing in cat fur, and lots of "Lost" marathons in preparation for the final season.
I told myself I'd start job hunting for real after Christmas, which marked my six-month anniversary at the law firm. But it appears I'm getting a little complacent. Health benefits are nice, and I got a Christmas bonus for the first time in ten years.
My boss changed things around on us again a few months ago, and now I'm doing very little of the work I was hired for. She assured me this would be a great opportunity for me, and we had an excited conversation about some of my skills we could put to use--recruiting attorneys, writing coherent polices and procedures, organizing and such. She even gave us free reign for a few days to work out some of the details on our own.
Of course, she eventually accused us of changing policies without her permission and conveniently forgot some of the changes she'd agreed to. And the recruiting project went to just about everyone but me (not that I really regret that). I do a lot of filing these days, which apparently makes me seem like less of a threat to her. She leaves me alone most of the time, and she seems to have stumbled onto a division of work that fits everyone's skills quite well. Our numbers are in the excellent range, she gets the credit, and everyone seems a little less miserable.
Don't get me wrong...she's still bat shit crazy and I hate her with all I have in me.
But today she approved a week off in Spring to attend Eric-and-Sara's wedding in PA, and I'm feeling exceptionally positive at the moment.
Ryan and I are super excited to start planning our trip. We've both been terribly homesick for that part of the country, and we're thinking about making a road trip of it. A quick road trip, mind you, and a lot of ground to cover...but it'll be lots of fun.
I feel like my writing skills are fading fast. My job and the correspondence involved certainly don't seem to require mastery of the English language; even the attorneys are a testament to that. But lately I've been thinking more and more about dusting off my creativity and putting it to work, and I have a few projects in mind...so maybe this post will mark my official return to the world of blogging.
I told myself I'd start job hunting for real after Christmas, which marked my six-month anniversary at the law firm. But it appears I'm getting a little complacent. Health benefits are nice, and I got a Christmas bonus for the first time in ten years.
My boss changed things around on us again a few months ago, and now I'm doing very little of the work I was hired for. She assured me this would be a great opportunity for me, and we had an excited conversation about some of my skills we could put to use--recruiting attorneys, writing coherent polices and procedures, organizing and such. She even gave us free reign for a few days to work out some of the details on our own.
Of course, she eventually accused us of changing policies without her permission and conveniently forgot some of the changes she'd agreed to. And the recruiting project went to just about everyone but me (not that I really regret that). I do a lot of filing these days, which apparently makes me seem like less of a threat to her. She leaves me alone most of the time, and she seems to have stumbled onto a division of work that fits everyone's skills quite well. Our numbers are in the excellent range, she gets the credit, and everyone seems a little less miserable.
Don't get me wrong...she's still bat shit crazy and I hate her with all I have in me.
But today she approved a week off in Spring to attend Eric-and-Sara's wedding in PA, and I'm feeling exceptionally positive at the moment.
Ryan and I are super excited to start planning our trip. We've both been terribly homesick for that part of the country, and we're thinking about making a road trip of it. A quick road trip, mind you, and a lot of ground to cover...but it'll be lots of fun.
I feel like my writing skills are fading fast. My job and the correspondence involved certainly don't seem to require mastery of the English language; even the attorneys are a testament to that. But lately I've been thinking more and more about dusting off my creativity and putting it to work, and I have a few projects in mind...so maybe this post will mark my official return to the world of blogging.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
antics and semantics
Last week was better than the week before, as far as work goes, but we still had our bumps.
On Wednesday, one of the attorneys asked for copies of some old letters, and I volunteered to send them. This is what I do all the time, after all, and I thought it would take about a minute of my time. However, it turned out the letters had never been scanned into our electronic files, and the attorney who wrote them was long gone.
As I was realizing this, the boss walked by and facetiously asked if I'd found the letters. Then she laughed and said, "I knew you wouldn't, but you you just had to reply to that email so quickly, I thought I'd let you try." I asked her what next, and she suggested asking the admins if any of them could find the letters.
One of them found the missing documents pretty quickly, and I thought that was the end of it until I learned one of the letters--the most important one, of course--was not in the packet. So the next day I asked one of the admins for more help, and he said he didn't know what else to suggest except looking in the file room.
So I had to ask my boss for a key to the file room, and she seemed a little perturbed (though still amused) that I was still on the hunt. About 24 hours had passed by this time, and apparently she thought I'd been searching high and low for that damn letter the whole time. She shook her head and said I could try looking in the file room but I probably wouldn't find it.
After searching through piles and piles of paper in the black hole that is the file room, I took the key back and admitted defeat. She chastised me for wasting time on something that wasn't my job, and then she said she'd take care of it.
Question: Why didn't she offer to take care of it from the beginning and tell me not to worry about it, since it wasn't my responsibility???
Answer: To teach me a lesson, apparently.
Sure enough, after the admins found the letter, she forwarded one of their emails to me and wrote, "A lesson learned...know your team!"
I know my fucking team, bitch. But I did learn a lesson: on this job, being proactive can only lead to ridicule and shame.
As unbearable as this condescending bullshit was, I continued working relentlessly and tried to get past it.
Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to tell me she still wanted to "realign some things," because the stats weren't quite where they needed to be. She went on for a bit about how I needed to focus on Day One referrals and nothing else. I was a little puzzled as to why she was telling me this again, because I'd been doing exactly that with a vengeance for the last couple of weeks. So I respectfully tried to clarify.
Me: What am I doing that I shouldn't be doing?
Boss (viciously): Did you not hear what I just said two sentences ago? I said nobody's doing anything wrong, and it really bothers me when people act like they're being attacked just because I'm trying to do my job...
Me: I guess what I meant to ask was what you would like me to do differently, since the stats aren't where you want them to be.
Boss: You just don't worry about the stats. You let me worry about that.
Me (in my head): Wait, what is this conversation even about?
She went on for a while about how she knows what she's talking about, and how the bosses are riding her all the time, and how "someone" insisted they knew how to do things better than she did, and she gave that a chance but it just wasn't working. She talked about how it was her job improve the stats and try to keep people happy.
"...and I even let you change your hours, and you didn't have ask me to, I just suggested it."
Exactly. I didn't ask her to, and I certainly don't consider it a favor.
She kept going on and on, and I wish I could recount the conversation better, but she seriously says the most nonsensical, incoherent things.
"...and I know you're capable," she said several times, sounding puzzled. WTF?
She finally managed to articulate that we're all doing well, but that she's trying to figure out what's making us fall just short of our goal.
Aha! After all the bullshit, we finally got to the real point. Then she told me she's heard lots of good things about me, I'm very personable, and she hears me on the phone and thinks I'm doing a good job. We agreed that I'd continue doing what I've been doing, and I went back to my desk.
She got in one more dig as I left, saying, "and no more chasing down letters for you!"
Does any of the above make any sense?
All I know is that I'm getting a funny feeling in my chest just writing about it. I'm still working on my own attitude, but I'm feeling the pressure big time and something is going to have to give eventually. I don't know if I can learn to tolerate this kind of malicious, divisive management.
I've been reading a book Ryan got me called "Do What You Are," and I picked it up again this weekend after letting it sit for a while. It discusses the Myers-Briggs personality types and several related theories, and it has given me a little fresh insight into why the boss and I clash so violently.
I'm primarily a feeler, so harmony and teamwork are extremely important to me. I also love to look at things from new perspectives, constantly using my creativity to seek new and better ways of doing things. I think these qualities, especially the second one, have been a major factor in the successes I've had so far.
But my current employer doesn't seem to place much value on these qualities at all. And since I'm a passionate person who makes decisions based on my own deeply held values, this drives me crazy!
Maybe I'm onto something. Maybe this book will help me use the whole disgusting, disheartening experience to develop specific standards for my next job. I certainly hope it'll prepare me to answer interview questions about why I want to leave this job without saying "My boss is bat shit crazy."
On Wednesday, one of the attorneys asked for copies of some old letters, and I volunteered to send them. This is what I do all the time, after all, and I thought it would take about a minute of my time. However, it turned out the letters had never been scanned into our electronic files, and the attorney who wrote them was long gone.
As I was realizing this, the boss walked by and facetiously asked if I'd found the letters. Then she laughed and said, "I knew you wouldn't, but you you just had to reply to that email so quickly, I thought I'd let you try." I asked her what next, and she suggested asking the admins if any of them could find the letters.
One of them found the missing documents pretty quickly, and I thought that was the end of it until I learned one of the letters--the most important one, of course--was not in the packet. So the next day I asked one of the admins for more help, and he said he didn't know what else to suggest except looking in the file room.
So I had to ask my boss for a key to the file room, and she seemed a little perturbed (though still amused) that I was still on the hunt. About 24 hours had passed by this time, and apparently she thought I'd been searching high and low for that damn letter the whole time. She shook her head and said I could try looking in the file room but I probably wouldn't find it.
After searching through piles and piles of paper in the black hole that is the file room, I took the key back and admitted defeat. She chastised me for wasting time on something that wasn't my job, and then she said she'd take care of it.
Question: Why didn't she offer to take care of it from the beginning and tell me not to worry about it, since it wasn't my responsibility???
Answer: To teach me a lesson, apparently.
Sure enough, after the admins found the letter, she forwarded one of their emails to me and wrote, "A lesson learned...know your team!"
I know my fucking team, bitch. But I did learn a lesson: on this job, being proactive can only lead to ridicule and shame.
As unbearable as this condescending bullshit was, I continued working relentlessly and tried to get past it.
Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to tell me she still wanted to "realign some things," because the stats weren't quite where they needed to be. She went on for a bit about how I needed to focus on Day One referrals and nothing else. I was a little puzzled as to why she was telling me this again, because I'd been doing exactly that with a vengeance for the last couple of weeks. So I respectfully tried to clarify.
Me: What am I doing that I shouldn't be doing?
Boss (viciously): Did you not hear what I just said two sentences ago? I said nobody's doing anything wrong, and it really bothers me when people act like they're being attacked just because I'm trying to do my job...
Me: I guess what I meant to ask was what you would like me to do differently, since the stats aren't where you want them to be.
Boss: You just don't worry about the stats. You let me worry about that.
Me (in my head): Wait, what is this conversation even about?
She went on for a while about how she knows what she's talking about, and how the bosses are riding her all the time, and how "someone" insisted they knew how to do things better than she did, and she gave that a chance but it just wasn't working. She talked about how it was her job improve the stats and try to keep people happy.
"...and I even let you change your hours, and you didn't have ask me to, I just suggested it."
Exactly. I didn't ask her to, and I certainly don't consider it a favor.
She kept going on and on, and I wish I could recount the conversation better, but she seriously says the most nonsensical, incoherent things.
"...and I know you're capable," she said several times, sounding puzzled. WTF?
She finally managed to articulate that we're all doing well, but that she's trying to figure out what's making us fall just short of our goal.
Aha! After all the bullshit, we finally got to the real point. Then she told me she's heard lots of good things about me, I'm very personable, and she hears me on the phone and thinks I'm doing a good job. We agreed that I'd continue doing what I've been doing, and I went back to my desk.
She got in one more dig as I left, saying, "and no more chasing down letters for you!"
Does any of the above make any sense?
All I know is that I'm getting a funny feeling in my chest just writing about it. I'm still working on my own attitude, but I'm feeling the pressure big time and something is going to have to give eventually. I don't know if I can learn to tolerate this kind of malicious, divisive management.
I've been reading a book Ryan got me called "Do What You Are," and I picked it up again this weekend after letting it sit for a while. It discusses the Myers-Briggs personality types and several related theories, and it has given me a little fresh insight into why the boss and I clash so violently.
I'm primarily a feeler, so harmony and teamwork are extremely important to me. I also love to look at things from new perspectives, constantly using my creativity to seek new and better ways of doing things. I think these qualities, especially the second one, have been a major factor in the successes I've had so far.
But my current employer doesn't seem to place much value on these qualities at all. And since I'm a passionate person who makes decisions based on my own deeply held values, this drives me crazy!
Maybe I'm onto something. Maybe this book will help me use the whole disgusting, disheartening experience to develop specific standards for my next job. I certainly hope it'll prepare me to answer interview questions about why I want to leave this job without saying "My boss is bat shit crazy."
Monday, November 2, 2009
blog that bitch right out of my hair
Things got pretty awful at work last week...not "you're fired" or "I quit" awful...not throwing office equipment or stabbing people with scissors awful...just sick-feeling-in-the-stomach every morning, tossing-and-turning every night awful. I don't remember when my boss really went psychotic on us, but I do remember that my irritation turned to rage last Monday after a sequence of repeated proverbial slaps in the face.
We recently had a "customer service week" during which the bosses had to pretend to be nice, and they placated us with food, games and hollow praise. One of the games involved picking up pieces of paper from the floor, and some of them had notes granting one free hour off. I didn't get one, but the boss asked if everyone had found one and indicated she wanted everyone to get an hour off.
I answered her email in the simplest language I could, indicating that I did not get one of the special pieces of paper, and a few minutes later I heard her say "Yep, everybody got one."
Well, I thought it would be nice to take off an hour early the Friday before my one year anniversary with Ryan, so I emailed her a few days later to ask if I was supposed to get an hour off and, if so, could I use it on that date. No reply.
I emailed her again a couple of days later with the same questions. No reply.
I finally went to her office to ask about it, because I also needed a long lunch for a doctor visit and she hadn't responded to that request either.
"I don't care if you leave early," she said grudgingly, "but my referrals have to be in good shape."
That Friday was a slow day, and things were in pretty good shape when I left about 40 minutes early. She was out of the office for a conference, as were several of our attorneys, and a lot of people blatantly took advantage of the lack of supervision.
But who do you think she went after first thing Monday morning? She went to my coworker and said "I hope Katy didn't leave early Friday because I told her not to if the numbers aren't low. And the numbers aren't low." I don't even know what that means, but one of my coworkers came in several hours late and the other one snuck out early without permission, and we still managed to get things under control to a point that I felt comfortable leaving "with permission."
With the boss and all the attorneys back that Monday and working furiously to catch up, we got absolutely slammed. Of course, our boss had changed some of our procedures again, so in addition to being extremely busy we were also floundering a little with the new work flow.
And I was mad as balls that one little hour off had turned out to be such a hassle.
She's been hounding us like crazy since then, micromanaging us obsessively and trying to figure out how to get better "numbers" out of us. She sent several of her obnoxious, tyrannical emails on Tuesday, reminding us of this and that and basically complaining about what we hadn't been able to finish the day before, and that was when I reached my limit.
I replied to one of her emails and, very reasonably and professionally, explained that I'd been working my ass off, that we were behind due to an epic number of incoming referrals the day before, not because we were slacking off. And then I added, also very professionally, that her changing the rules on us slowed us down as well, that I didn't disagree with her decision, but that she has to understand that every time there's a change it's going to take some time for us to adjust and get back to our maximum efficiency.
It was all out war for the rest of the week.
She sent emails saying she's the boss and she knows what she's talking about, and we are to expect emails from her regarding our work and shouldn't take them personally. She started checking up on my work and sending me emails questioning minute details. She cornered me by the printer and asked if I was following the new guidelines, then said "Huh..." and shook her head like she didn't believe me when I said yes.
She nagged me for information that she no doubt thought I was refusing to send out of spite, when in fact there was just a lag in the email system. She called me into her office, furious, and informed me that "if we're going to start getting defensive out there, we're going to have a problem."
And then, Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to sit down and have an actual conversation about what her bosses look for, how she measures it, and what she wants from me...all shit she should have done BEFORE she started stalking me like a rabid dog!
She was still racking her brain for reasons my "numbers" aren't as good as my coworkers', and I tried to explain that the numbers don't reflect all the work I do, especially when I follow her guidelines. I walked her through this three times, and she still didn't understand. But she offered to change my work hours, something I've been wanting to ask for but figured she'd refuse just because it was my idea.
I really, really tried to adjust my attitude over the weekend. I put work completely out of my mind until Sunday, when I returned to dwelling on the things that piss me off. For example:
We recently had a "customer service week" during which the bosses had to pretend to be nice, and they placated us with food, games and hollow praise. One of the games involved picking up pieces of paper from the floor, and some of them had notes granting one free hour off. I didn't get one, but the boss asked if everyone had found one and indicated she wanted everyone to get an hour off.
I answered her email in the simplest language I could, indicating that I did not get one of the special pieces of paper, and a few minutes later I heard her say "Yep, everybody got one."
Well, I thought it would be nice to take off an hour early the Friday before my one year anniversary with Ryan, so I emailed her a few days later to ask if I was supposed to get an hour off and, if so, could I use it on that date. No reply.
I emailed her again a couple of days later with the same questions. No reply.
I finally went to her office to ask about it, because I also needed a long lunch for a doctor visit and she hadn't responded to that request either.
"I don't care if you leave early," she said grudgingly, "but my referrals have to be in good shape."
That Friday was a slow day, and things were in pretty good shape when I left about 40 minutes early. She was out of the office for a conference, as were several of our attorneys, and a lot of people blatantly took advantage of the lack of supervision.
But who do you think she went after first thing Monday morning? She went to my coworker and said "I hope Katy didn't leave early Friday because I told her not to if the numbers aren't low. And the numbers aren't low." I don't even know what that means, but one of my coworkers came in several hours late and the other one snuck out early without permission, and we still managed to get things under control to a point that I felt comfortable leaving "with permission."
With the boss and all the attorneys back that Monday and working furiously to catch up, we got absolutely slammed. Of course, our boss had changed some of our procedures again, so in addition to being extremely busy we were also floundering a little with the new work flow.
And I was mad as balls that one little hour off had turned out to be such a hassle.
She's been hounding us like crazy since then, micromanaging us obsessively and trying to figure out how to get better "numbers" out of us. She sent several of her obnoxious, tyrannical emails on Tuesday, reminding us of this and that and basically complaining about what we hadn't been able to finish the day before, and that was when I reached my limit.
I replied to one of her emails and, very reasonably and professionally, explained that I'd been working my ass off, that we were behind due to an epic number of incoming referrals the day before, not because we were slacking off. And then I added, also very professionally, that her changing the rules on us slowed us down as well, that I didn't disagree with her decision, but that she has to understand that every time there's a change it's going to take some time for us to adjust and get back to our maximum efficiency.
It was all out war for the rest of the week.
She sent emails saying she's the boss and she knows what she's talking about, and we are to expect emails from her regarding our work and shouldn't take them personally. She started checking up on my work and sending me emails questioning minute details. She cornered me by the printer and asked if I was following the new guidelines, then said "Huh..." and shook her head like she didn't believe me when I said yes.
She nagged me for information that she no doubt thought I was refusing to send out of spite, when in fact there was just a lag in the email system. She called me into her office, furious, and informed me that "if we're going to start getting defensive out there, we're going to have a problem."
And then, Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to sit down and have an actual conversation about what her bosses look for, how she measures it, and what she wants from me...all shit she should have done BEFORE she started stalking me like a rabid dog!
She was still racking her brain for reasons my "numbers" aren't as good as my coworkers', and I tried to explain that the numbers don't reflect all the work I do, especially when I follow her guidelines. I walked her through this three times, and she still didn't understand. But she offered to change my work hours, something I've been wanting to ask for but figured she'd refuse just because it was my idea.
I really, really tried to adjust my attitude over the weekend. I put work completely out of my mind until Sunday, when I returned to dwelling on the things that piss me off. For example:
- The bitch refuses to listen to or consider any input from me, and she probably never even looked at my resume long enough to see that I'm actually pretty good at developing more efficient ways of getting things done.
- The bitch swears that she knows what works and that no one else knows better than her, and she completely disregards the fact that what works for her doesn't necessarily work for everyone.
- The bitch behaves like she doesn't trust me or have any confidence in me, and she constantly implies that I'm slacking off or don't know what I'm doing, when in fact I'm at least as focused and conscientious as my coworkers...if not more so.
- The bitch seems to actually think nagging us constantly is an appropriate way to motivate us, when in fact she's just bullying us into to meeting a very narrow set of standards that don't actually have much at all to do with the quality of our work.
I eventually did some meditation/hypnosis with Ryan in hopes of taking a Serenity Prayer approach to the whole mess. And that was when I got to the core the matter. It's not that I don't think I'm good enough, or that I'm as self righteous and arrogant as I probably sound, or that I give a damn what she thinks of me.
It's simply that I'm angry, and frustrated, and I have good reasons to be.
However, I shouldn't be letting this anger bleed into every area of my life to the point where I'm glaring at other Wal-Mart shoppers, flipping people off in traffic, lying awake at night and feeling generally mad at the world. And I shouldn't ever hang too much hope on seeing things change for the better there--outside of my own attitude, of course.
I think I just need to acknowledge my anger, give it a place and then use it.
So I'm not sure if the attitude adjustment actually worked, but things were a little better today. I worked frantically and relentlessly, and I wrote down every damn thing I worked on so I could defend myself if the boss asked why I wasn't getting enough done. And I only referred to her as "that bitch" two or three times--at least, before I sat down and started blogging!
Part of the whole accepting my anger thing is what led to this horridly long blog post. I have been avoiding the blog, and therefore depriving myself of a great way to vent frustrations, because I'm afraid of being that girl who complains about her job all the time.
But I think I just need to be that girl in my blog so I can work through things and maybe even track my progress. Yeah, some day I'll go back and read it and say "Wow, I was one bitter, sarcastic bitch back then!" But it won't be the first time...
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