Sapphire Springs

A New Normal

2011-04-17T13:39:00.001-05:00

I'm having a very lazy weekend--home alone with nothing to do except some much-needed cleaning. So naturally, I'm suddenly very interested in blogging.

Life has shifted into a different gear of late, I can't really say things are better or worse. Work is going fine, and I still feel I'm in a place I could happily stay for a while--though I have concluded I don't love being an administrative assistant and probably never will.

I am angling for another promotion that would be a solid step closer to the professional level. We had a couple of openings when one person left the department and another was promoted. The first opening was filled by a guy whose previous position was eliminated. I was quite relieved to learn that for him this was considered a lateral move and he did not get a raise, because I work circles around the guy on a daily basis. The other position is still open, and there seems to be some mysterious delay in filling it.

My supervisor's words were "I am facing a lot of complex staffing issues, so I can't make any promises, but I am definitely keeping you in mind." Not very encouraging, but I'm holding out hope.

We're undergoing several huge changes right now: our manager retired, and my former supervisor was promoted to replace him; our Denver office is being consolidated with Tulsa, so we have a few people relocating and several more needing to be replaced; we are in the middle of moving the entire department to a different floor; and our department is in early stages of spinning off into its own company. Any of these changes alone would be a big transition, and they're all happening at once. I must say everyone as a whole is handling the stress surprisingly well.

I must also say that I absolutely hate moving!

On to a sadder topic, I lost my old girl Sunshine about a month ago. She was wasting away, and the days she seemed to enjoy life were getting fewer and farther between. So the vet came to our house and put her to sleep peacefully while I held her in my arms. I try not to remember those last moments too often, but when I do remember, I'm stunned that I was able to do it.

I was strong for her, and when it was over I felt relief for her. But for me, there was just a big hole left behind. Sometimes it felt like there was a physical hole right in the middle of my chest. I'm getting past the shock now, but I still think of her every single day, and I never go to bed at night without noticing she's not next to me.

There is a lot of comfort in the fact that I'm able to focus more attention on my three boys now. I really felt like I was neglecting them over the last several months, but now they sleep with me every night and I don't have to divide my attention between different cats in different rooms. It's an adjustment, going from sharing a bed with a quiet, elderly female cat to sharing it with three big, rambunctious tabbies. But I'm so grateful to have them!

Back to Sunshine, I am proud to say that she put up a hell of a fight against that nasty cancer. And she still had some fight left in her at the end. The vet had to give her a sedative before the sedative so they could put in an IV, and I held her, wrapped in a towel, while the first sedative took effect. My feisty girl growled quietly until she couldn't growl anymore, making me laugh through my tears.

I am still searching for just the right tribute to her...nothing seems quite fitting. I certainly don't have it in me yet to put into writing everything she means to me. But for now I keep a picture of her by my bed, right next to where she used to sleep.

And I will always carry a little bit of Sunshine--especially her stormy side--in my heart.

This and That

2011-02-06T21:21:00.007-06:00

Yeah, I know--it's been forever since I blogged. Don't think I haven't missed it. But when things are going well, it seems that urge to write has a lot less fire behind it.

Things have been going well in a lot of ways, and as of December I have a new job with the same company where I started working as a file room temp last summer. I'm now an Administrative Assistant, which is something I never saw myself doing; I've always felt it has an element of baby-sitting grown-ups to it. And it does, but only in small quantities.

I'm on a different team in the same department, so I already knew the people I would be working with before I moved. They're a very hard-working group, and generally just damn nice, likable people. I hear some of them are a bit gossipy, but as long as no one tries to drag me into that, I don't care. My boss is great...she's nothing close to being a micro-manager, and in fact she's really good about trusting people with their responsibilities. But at the same time, she knows what's going on!

Getting hired on permanently couldn't have come at a better time, because I got paid for all the days off we had over the holidays. And when life happens, I have paid time off immediately available to me. It's so weird!

Life has been happening, for sure. Last November Sunshine started acting strange, like she was hurt. Fearing another abscessed anal gland and an ensuing week of pure hell, I got her right to the vet. But this time she had a bite wound--A BITE WOUND!--on her butt that had gotten infected. I don't know who did it, but George is the most likely suspect. Poor Sunshine has been in complete and blissful seclusion ever since, and I think sometimes she forgets she's not an only cat. She's definitely much happier with the boys out of her life.

She bounced back pretty quickly from the bite, but that was only the beginning of the story. While she was sedated to have the bite looked at, one of the vet techs noticed a red lump on her belly that looked very suspicious. We decided that after she recovered from her bite and felt better, she needed to have it looked at more closely. First they did a cytology, probably sometime in December. They ended up not sending it off to the lab because they couldn't tell much from it and they felt I should instead spend the money on a full biopsy.

By the time I'd gathered the money to have the lump removed, things had apparently gotten much worse--or the first vet hadn't been sufficiently alarmed in the first place. The new vet did some chest x-rays and found the growth had spread to Sunshine's lungs, which explained the terrible cough she'd suddenly developed. The vet was almost certain it was mammary cancer, which in cats can be extremely aggressive and almost impossible to cure--especially at the stage she had reached.

We went ahead with the surgery just after the new year, and the vet removed as much abnormal tissue as she could find. The biopsy didn't tell us much, but it did confirm our fears: cancer. The vet (who has been absolutely wonderful through everything) advised me there was no way to tell when the cancer would come back, but it almost certainly would. It could be a matter of days, weeks or months, she said.

Of course I was devastated, but in the time since this began, I've coped by keeping my focus on doing everything I can to make Sunshine as comfortable and happy as possible. She's taking water pills to keep fluid out of her lungs, and that helps her coughing. She's lost a lot of weight, and the meds seem to make her feel pretty sick at times. She has completely stopped eating a couple of times--the last episode lasted five days. But as soon as I stopped giving her all the meds (by then she was also taking an appetite stimulant and something for nausea) she suddenly became ravenous again.

Back on the water pills now, she seems to be losing her appetite again. I'm going to have to talk to the vet about whether it's really worth it to keep giving her this stuff. The good news is that in all of this I've finally found a way to medicate my little banshee.

This pill shooter is THA BOMB. It's a godsend. The ones I found at Petco and PetSmart were too big for tiny cat pills, but my vet recommended this one, which she was selling much cheaper than any others I've found. This thing has saved my relationship with Sunshine.

We are enjoying each other's company every minute we can, and on the days she's feeling well she is very happy and affectionate. There are days when I'm so depressed I can barely move, and they seem to coincide with the days she seems sickest. She is my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without her. But I'm so thankful we have this time together. There's no telling how long it will last, but I'm going to make the best of it.

I haven't been to Oklahoma City with Ryan since the New Year, and that truly sucks. But he's been very supportive and completely understands why I can't leave my cat to go out of town these days. Unfortunately, with a snowpocalypse preceded by two terrible colds, he hasn't been able to get here either for several weeks. I'm definitely looking forward to next weekend, when By God nothing better stop my man from getting to me! It will have been a month since we've seen each other, and that's the longest we've ever been apart since we met.

I'm looking forward to returning to work tomorrow...I haven't been in almost a week because of a very unusual blizzard and our mayor's complete lack of competence to handle the situation. Dude declared a state of emergency before the first snowflake even fell, and yet a week later people are still snowed in and the roads are a mess. I just know people who live up North are laughing at us...

Uphill Both Ways

2010-07-12T20:59:00.006-05:00

My, how the last month has flown by! I got in lots of great time with my nephews, planted an herb garden, spent some long weekends with Ryan, and got a sunburn that won't quit...and then I started a new job, just three weeks after my previous employer kicked me out of the loony bin.

The new job is just a filing job, but it's with a company that has a great reputation in Tulsa and is known for hiring on temps pretty quickly, with good pay and superb benefits. Even as a temp, I'm getting the same hourly pay as my last job, and this new job is easier by far. Everyone I've met is friendly and helpful, and I haven't heard a single person say (or even hint at) anything unfavorable about anyone else in the office. The only down side is that it can get boring, but I offer to help with anything and everything whenever I get the chance. The boss has already given me a couple of projects, and hopefully she'll keep them coming.

The whole experience has been quite a shock to my system, in the best possible way. Sometimes while I'm sitting at my desk alone, listening to music as I put stickers on file folders, I wonder why no one has come along to tell me I'm doing it wrong and that I should do it his or her way because he or she knows all about the most efficient way to put stickers on file folders...

...and then I remember where I am.

It's been a bit of a pain in the ass getting to and from the largest office building downtown, right in the middle of everything. But I kind of like the fact that it's right in the middle of everything - downtown Tulsa actually has its own special kind of charm! I'm looking forward to getting out for some walks to explore it more once this inferno of a summer lets up a little.

I've never worked in a place that didn't have its own (free) parking lot before, so it took me a while to figure out my options. But I've found a really cheap place to park just a couple of blocks away. The walk is literally uphill both ways, as it involves crossing a bridge that arches over some train tracks. Given my history of being never-quite-on-time, it's probably going to be quite a brisk walk most mornings!

It's not terribly strenuous, but--combined with a couple of pretty good treks to the cafeteria (seriously, the building is huge)--it's notably more activity than I'm used to. Hopefully this will have a positive impact on my beer gut.

In other exciting news, last weekend I finally attended a volunteer orientation at the SPCA here in Tulsa...only a short five months after I first filled out my application. It's going to be a little difficult finding time to get out there, because they're not open in the evenings or on Sunday. And of course I'm out of town at least half the time on Saturdays.

But I'm really going to make the effort, because I know it'll be worth it. I was grinning like a fool after the orientation, so the animal time is clearly something my soul craves.

Getting some cat time in won't be too hard. I can just put on my SPCA t-shirt and go play with the cats whenever I have time. To work with the dogs, though, I'll have to schedule some additional required training first. And I'm really eager to do that, because I've been wanting to learn how to handle dogs for a long time. And it's not like you can just go sign up for a class at PetSmart if you don't actually have a dog...

In all, things really seem to be looking up. I feel renewed and refreshed and all that great stuff, and I'm pretty sure it's all because I got out of the most hostile work environment I've ever seen. It was kind of like an abusive relationship...I'd gotten so used to being treated like shit that I got in the habit of keeping my head down and avoiding conflict until it actually started to seem normal.

It wasn't until I got away and came to my senses that I looked back with horror at how much abuse I had learned to put up with.

Never again, my friends. Never again.

Vacation

2010-06-18T10:56:00.001-05:00

Apparently the side effects of a highly toxic job are beginning to dissipate. I made it past the shocked and depressed stage and have been remarkably relaxed all week. I had lunch with my former co-worker (who's now my fellow deadbeat), spent some time at the pool, did some gardening and scoped out the thrift stores. It's been a good week.

I'm feeling pretty restless again today, probably because I need to do some house work and wish there was something more pressing to keep me from it.

Tonight I'm going out for drinks with my former coworker and an attorney who also got laid off recently. But if I don't do some laundry, I'm not going to have anything to wear!

My mom is keeping my nephews during the day all summer...this week their mom is on vacation, but next week they'll be back and things will pick up tremendously. Charlie is still the bubbly kid who can't sit still and requires a constant audience. Talon, on the other hand, has become a sullen 11-year-old who hides behind long blonde locks and doesn't want to play or talk or do anything but sleep and watch TV. He's too cool for Grandma's house, apparently!

It'll be nice to have some quality time with them...with their splitting time between divorced parents and my splitting time between Tulsa and OKC, I haven't been able to see them nearly enough lately.

What You Wish For

2010-06-14T21:20:00.001-05:00

It appears that--for the time being, at least--I'm through writing blog entries about how much I hate my job. That's the good news.

The bad news is I'm back to writing endless posts about the angst of job searching.

I was laid off last Wednesday. I saw this coming, and I was hoping for it...hoping very hard, in fact. So I can't explain why it threw me for such a loop or why I've spent the last few days in a state of depression, confusion and shock.

We'd already been told we'd have to start taking two furlough days a month, and everyone was pretty discouraged by that. It took over a week for someone to find time to speak to us face to face about the furlough days and other cuts, and by then I was thoroughly disgusted. Summer vacations combined with everyone's furlough days made big cuts in our staffing on a daily basis, and the boss was managing it all terribly, as usual.

Then a couple of attorneys suddenly vanished. And two days before the bomb dropped, I learned one of my coworkers was training some CSRs to do my job. I thought that was poor timing and pretty tacky, but I chalked it up to one of my boss's crazy ideas on how to manage the staffing shortages caused by furlough days. I was past caring at this point, and way past anger, so I didn't think much more about it.

The next day my closest coworker and I couldn't log in to the system and therefore couldn't do much of anything. Our boss told us someone in the corporate office had accidentally deleted our login IDs, and that the only person who could fix it was out of the office for the day. She proceeded to print off a bunch of intakes for us to work from, a ridiculous solution as our system is used to track every step of the process, note every phone call and record every change of status. A slogan we often heard was "If it's not noted in the intake, it didn't happen."

So I guess a lot of work didn't happen that day, and it was beyond frustrating, as the other two people who could do our job were off that day. The boss, of course, was nowhere to be found, although her ass should have been helping us deal with the mess.

Around 4pm, my coworker appeared with a pale face and said she'd been called into the boss's office. At that point, I just gave up trying to work and waited with my stomach in knots. Sure enough, she eventually reappeared with a tear in her eye and nodded...and I knew they were letting her go.

I was completely stunned, and all I could do was stand next to her desk thinking "NO!!! It was supposed to be me!"

Then the boss came for me, and I felt an enormous relief. I'm told the boss cried while breaking the news to my coworker, but I saw no tears when it was my turn and I certainly didn't shed any. It was all a blur after that...we both quickly cleaned out our desks, said goodbye to everyone and went out for a beer.

I've spent the last few days moping, staring into space, and wondering why me? But I'm getting past that phase now and starting to enjoy the prospect of waking up in the morning and NOT going back to a job that was slowly killing me.

I still don't quite know what to do with myself, but I guess now I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Career Development

2010-05-15T16:35:00.006-05:00

It's been a while since I've written about work, and an update is overdue. Mind you, nothing has changed much except my outlook. But, having finally adjusted my expectations, I'm able to enjoy the humor a bit more than I did before.

In the first week I was back from vacation, I essentially had to relearn my job, not once but twice. The overall objective didn't change at all...just the specific steps and details to get it done. On my first day back, I was handed new instructions and a new flow chart (the boss loves her flow charts). I spent a few days learning exactly what to put in subject fields of emails and in what order, when to forward vs. when to reply, and how to get things back on track when the attorneys didn't follow the precise instructions.

Meanwhile, I was starting to see signs the boss's recent calm streak was coming to an end as her lucidity began to deteriorate. She chewed out one of my coworkers about a box I put on the floor in my cubicle, asserting that someone could trip over it and get hurt, that she had asked her to put it in some other cubicle (which she didn't specify), and that when she asks someone to do something she expects it to be done.

Then one morning she arrived at my desk, breathless, her hair (which she recently chopped off close to her scalp) sticking up wildly, and told me to hold off doing anything until she took another look at her new instructions and then sent them to me. Next we went from doing everything by email to eliminating the need for emails (but not really) altogether.

As I was learning the newest new process, she stopped by and informed me that her new way of doing things was going to save me so much time that she was going to be able to utilize me more, adding that she wanted me to help edit and update some training material.

"You're the obvious choice for it," she declared.

I didn't get excited, because by now I've learned that even if I was allowed to use any creativity or individual thought, she'd immediately squash it and I'd eventually go insane trying to do every little detail her way even though I could probably do it better on my own. And I wasn't about to drag my beloved writing skills into this morbid cycle.

Fortunately, it turned out there was no writing or real editing involved at all. Instead, I am going through her precious manifesto, editing the background colors and font sizes. Some pages have blue backgrounds, some white. Some have frighteningly huge fonts, and others look fairly normal. All of them are wildly indented, capitalized and underlined in random places. None of them remain coherent from beginning to end.

Apparently this project is going to open a whole new world for me.

Still Here...

2010-05-10T19:51:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to decide on a new design for my blog, so what you're seeing now may or not be permanent. Nothing seems to fit just right...

Just got back last week from a drive to and from Philly to attend the wedding of Eric & Sara. We spent more time driving than we spent in Philly, but it was a really nice getaway. The wedding was lovely, and though I didn't have a lot of time with Eric and Sara, I did get to see enough of them to hold me over until next time...and I got to catch up with lots of friends and former coworkers.

I think it's been long enough--enough time has passed--that it's not entirely crazy for me to say I kind of wish I could go back to work at TV Guide. Only it's not TV Guide anymore. But I ran into three or four people who left (some by choice, some not) and have now gone back...that's in addition to several others I already knew about, not to mention many others who've been a part of the same pattern for long as I've worked there. And no one is complaining.

I'd probably have to move back to PA, which isn't entirely out of the question on a long term basis...although it's presently not a real possibility.

Anyway, I had a great trip with Ryan, and before we even finished the grueling drive we were exitedly discussing another road trip to Ohio in the Fall. And maybe a weekend in Chicago this summer. Because there's just not much going on here.

Even though I've been back in Tulsa for over two years now, I've never really started a life here. I've been too busy running around elsewhere, mainly to Oklahoma City, on weekends. When I do have a weekend at home, it's nice to just be home. So I'm sort of in a constant state of limbo.

Ryan and I remedy the situation by daydreaming about fun road trips or about running away to start new lives in Pennsylvania...or West Virginia...or who knows where. Truth be told, I'm not sure I'd care a whole lot where I ended up as long as we were together!

It's Something, At Least

2010-03-09T19:29:00.003-06:00

I'm feeling especially disgruntled this week. I have that feeling, more than usual, that I should be doing something different...making some sort of change...anything to get out of the rut I'm in.

I've had that feeling so long I don't remember what it's like to feel any other way.

Most of the time I don't think about what a fucking idiot my boss is or how much I hate her. I just keep my head down and try not to take too much initiative or do anything else to bring on her wrath. For the most part it works; we rarely speak to each other. But every now and then something reminds me what a bitch she is, and I get really sulky.

If I ask her a question, instead of using an opportunity to teach me something she just takes the responsibility away and talks behind my back about how I don't know what I'm doing. If I ask someone else, she hears the conversation from her office and assails the person I spoke with, wanting to know what I asked about and what they told me. It's all so absurd!

I've been looking for another job, usually somewhat passively. It seems the recession is just now really taking a toll on the economy here in Oklahoma. Tulsa can't afford to pay all their police officers and firemen, business are closing left and right, and interesting opportunities are few and far between.

So I always come back around to feeling lucky to have my job.

I keep thinking I should get a second job to bring in some extra money, so maybe I can eventually afford to change jobs and move to Oklahoma City. At least then I'd be able to see Ryan more often.

But I don't want to do anything that involves standing up all the time...I have plantar fasciitus and my feet hurt too much. And no call centers...I don't have the patience to deal with stupid people. And not too many weekend shifts, or I'd never get to see Ryan.

This is where I lose my ambition and start looking for other ideas.

Volunteering...I really miss volunteering. In fact, it's utterly ridiculous that I've been back in Tulsa nearly two years and have never found myself a new cat-wrangling gig.

So I've filled out a volunteer application for the Tulsa SPCA, and I'm going to take it in to one of the next volunteer orientation meetings. Now we're talking!

I interviewed for a job there last Spring, but I opted for the veterinary job in Oklahoma City instead...and we know how that turned out. I probably couldn't have survived on the pay at the SPCA anyway, and there were no health benefits. But I think I can afford to volunteer there.

In fact, maybe I can't afford not to.

Complacent and Not Hating It

2010-02-03T20:10:00.005-06:00

What a bad blogger I am! I guess you could say my recent hiatus has been due to nothing but more (and more) of the same--more hating the same job, more loving the same terrific guy, more wallowing in cat fur, and lots of "Lost" marathons in preparation for the final season.

I told myself I'd start job hunting for real after Christmas, which marked my six-month anniversary at the law firm. But it appears I'm getting a little complacent. Health benefits are nice, and I got a Christmas bonus for the first time in ten years.

My boss changed things around on us again a few months ago, and now I'm doing very little of the work I was hired for. She assured me this would be a great opportunity for me, and we had an excited conversation about some of my skills we could put to use--recruiting attorneys, writing coherent polices and procedures, organizing and such. She even gave us free reign for a few days to work out some of the details on our own.

Of course, she eventually accused us of changing policies without her permission and conveniently forgot some of the changes she'd agreed to. And the recruiting project went to just about everyone but me (not that I really regret that). I do a lot of filing these days, which apparently makes me seem like less of a threat to her. She leaves me alone most of the time, and she seems to have stumbled onto a division of work that fits everyone's skills quite well. Our numbers are in the excellent range, she gets the credit, and everyone seems a little less miserable.

Don't get me wrong...she's still bat shit crazy and I hate her with all I have in me.

But today she approved a week off in Spring to attend Eric-and-Sara's wedding in PA, and I'm feeling exceptionally positive at the moment.

Ryan and I are super excited to start planning our trip. We've both been terribly homesick for that part of the country, and we're thinking about making a road trip of it. A quick road trip, mind you, and a lot of ground to cover...but it'll be lots of fun.

I feel like my writing skills are fading fast. My job and the correspondence involved certainly don't seem to require mastery of the English language; even the attorneys are a testament to that. But lately I've been thinking more and more about dusting off my creativity and putting it to work, and I have a few projects in mind...so maybe this post will mark my official return to the world of blogging.

This is my therapy.

2009-11-19T21:50:00.001-06:00

antics and semantics

2009-11-08T17:48:00.007-06:00

Last week was better than the week before, as far as work goes, but we still had our bumps.

On Wednesday, one of the attorneys asked for copies of some old letters, and I volunteered to send them. This is what I do all the time, after all, and I thought it would take about a minute of my time. However, it turned out the letters had never been scanned into our electronic files, and the attorney who wrote them was long gone.

As I was realizing this, the boss walked by and facetiously asked if I'd found the letters. Then she laughed and said, "I knew you wouldn't, but you you just had to reply to that email so quickly, I thought I'd let you try." I asked her what next, and she suggested asking the admins if any of them could find the letters.

One of them found the missing documents pretty quickly, and I thought that was the end of it until I learned one of the letters--the most important one, of course--was not in the packet. So the next day I asked one of the admins for more help, and he said he didn't know what else to suggest except looking in the file room.

So I had to ask my boss for a key to the file room, and she seemed a little perturbed (though still amused) that I was still on the hunt. About 24 hours had passed by this time, and apparently she thought I'd been searching high and low for that damn letter the whole time. She shook her head and said I could try looking in the file room but I probably wouldn't find it.

After searching through piles and piles of paper in the black hole that is the file room, I took the key back and admitted defeat. She chastised me for wasting time on something that wasn't my job, and then she said she'd take care of it.

Question: Why didn't she offer to take care of it from the beginning and tell me not to worry about it, since it wasn't my responsibility???

Answer: To teach me a lesson, apparently.

Sure enough, after the admins found the letter, she forwarded one of their emails to me and wrote, "A lesson learned...know your team!"

I know my fucking team, bitch. But I did learn a lesson: on this job, being proactive can only lead to ridicule and shame.

As unbearable as this condescending bullshit was, I continued working relentlessly and tried to get past it.

Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to tell me she still wanted to "realign some things," because the stats weren't quite where they needed to be. She went on for a bit about how I needed to focus on Day One referrals and nothing else. I was a little puzzled as to why she was telling me this again, because I'd been doing exactly that with a vengeance for the last couple of weeks. So I respectfully tried to clarify.

Me: What am I doing that I shouldn't be doing?

Boss (viciously): Did you not hear what I just said two sentences ago? I said nobody's doing anything wrong, and it really bothers me when people act like they're being attacked just because I'm trying to do my job...

Me: I guess what I meant to ask was what you would like me to do differently, since the stats aren't where you want them to be.

Boss: You just don't worry about the stats. You let me worry about that.

Me (in my head): Wait, what is this conversation even about?

She went on for a while about how she knows what she's talking about, and how the bosses are riding her all the time, and how "someone" insisted they knew how to do things better than she did, and she gave that a chance but it just wasn't working. She talked about how it was her job improve the stats and try to keep people happy.

"...and I even let you change your hours, and you didn't have ask me to, I just suggested it."

Exactly. I didn't ask her to, and I certainly don't consider it a favor.

She kept going on and on, and I wish I could recount the conversation better, but she seriously says the most nonsensical, incoherent things.

"...and I know you're capable," she said several times, sounding puzzled. WTF?

She finally managed to articulate that we're all doing well, but that she's trying to figure out what's making us fall just short of our goal.

Aha! After all the bullshit, we finally got to the real point. Then she told me she's heard lots of good things about me, I'm very personable, and she hears me on the phone and thinks I'm doing a good job. We agreed that I'd continue doing what I've been doing, and I went back to my desk.

She got in one more dig as I left, saying, "and no more chasing down letters for you!"

Does any of the above make any sense?

All I know is that I'm getting a funny feeling in my chest just writing about it. I'm still working on my own attitude, but I'm feeling the pressure big time and something is going to have to give eventually. I don't know if I can learn to tolerate this kind of malicious, divisive management.

I've been reading a book Ryan got me called "Do What You Are," and I picked it up again this weekend after letting it sit for a while. It discusses the Myers-Briggs personality types and several related theories, and it has given me a little fresh insight into why the boss and I clash so violently.

I'm primarily a feeler, so harmony and teamwork are extremely important to me. I also love to look at things from new perspectives, constantly using my creativity to seek new and better ways of doing things. I think these qualities, especially the second one, have been a major factor in the successes I've had so far.

But my current employer doesn't seem to place much value on these qualities at all. And since I'm a passionate person who makes decisions based on my own deeply held values, this drives me crazy!

Maybe I'm onto something. Maybe this book will help me use the whole disgusting, disheartening experience to develop specific standards for my next job. I certainly hope it'll prepare me to answer interview questions about why I want to leave this job without saying "My boss is bat shit crazy."

blog that bitch right out of my hair

2009-11-02T19:53:00.013-06:00

Things got pretty awful at work last week...not "you're fired" or "I quit" awful...not throwing office equipment or stabbing people with scissors awful...just sick-feeling-in-the-stomach every morning, tossing-and-turning every night awful. I don't remember when my boss really went psychotic on us, but I do remember that my irritation turned to rage last Monday after a sequence of repeated proverbial slaps in the face.

We recently had a "customer service week" during which the bosses had to pretend to be nice, and they placated us with food, games and hollow praise. One of the games involved picking up pieces of paper from the floor, and some of them had notes granting one free hour off. I didn't get one, but the boss asked if everyone had found one and indicated she wanted everyone to get an hour off.

I answered her email in the simplest language I could, indicating that I did not get one of the special pieces of paper, and a few minutes later I heard her say "Yep, everybody got one."

Well, I thought it would be nice to take off an hour early the Friday before my one year anniversary with Ryan, so I emailed her a few days later to ask if I was supposed to get an hour off and, if so, could I use it on that date. No reply.

I emailed her again a couple of days later with the same questions. No reply.

I finally went to her office to ask about it, because I also needed a long lunch for a doctor visit and she hadn't responded to that request either.

"I don't care if you leave early," she said grudgingly, "but my referrals have to be in good shape."

That Friday was a slow day, and things were in pretty good shape when I left about 40 minutes early. She was out of the office for a conference, as were several of our attorneys, and a lot of people blatantly took advantage of the lack of supervision.

But who do you think she went after first thing Monday morning? She went to my coworker and said "I hope Katy didn't leave early Friday because I told her not to if the numbers aren't low. And the numbers aren't low." I don't even know what that means, but one of my coworkers came in several hours late and the other one snuck out early without permission, and we still managed to get things under control to a point that I felt comfortable leaving "with permission."

With the boss and all the attorneys back that Monday and working furiously to catch up, we got absolutely slammed. Of course, our boss had changed some of our procedures again, so in addition to being extremely busy we were also floundering a little with the new work flow.

And I was mad as balls that one little hour off had turned out to be such a hassle.

She's been hounding us like crazy since then, micromanaging us obsessively and trying to figure out how to get better "numbers" out of us. She sent several of her obnoxious, tyrannical emails on Tuesday, reminding us of this and that and basically complaining about what we hadn't been able to finish the day before, and that was when I reached my limit.

I replied to one of her emails and, very reasonably and professionally, explained that I'd been working my ass off, that we were behind due to an epic number of incoming referrals the day before, not because we were slacking off. And then I added, also very professionally, that her changing the rules on us slowed us down as well, that I didn't disagree with her decision, but that she has to understand that every time there's a change it's going to take some time for us to adjust and get back to our maximum efficiency.

It was all out war for the rest of the week.

She sent emails saying she's the boss and she knows what she's talking about, and we are to expect emails from her regarding our work and shouldn't take them personally. She started checking up on my work and sending me emails questioning minute details. She cornered me by the printer and asked if I was following the new guidelines, then said "Huh..." and shook her head like she didn't believe me when I said yes.

She nagged me for information that she no doubt thought I was refusing to send out of spite, when in fact there was just a lag in the email system. She called me into her office, furious, and informed me that "if we're going to start getting defensive out there, we're going to have a problem."

And then, Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to sit down and have an actual conversation about what her bosses look for, how she measures it, and what she wants from me...all shit she should have done BEFORE she started stalking me like a rabid dog!

She was still racking her brain for reasons my "numbers" aren't as good as my coworkers', and I tried to explain that the numbers don't reflect all the work I do, especially when I follow her guidelines. I walked her through this three times, and she still didn't understand. But she offered to change my work hours, something I've been wanting to ask for but figured she'd refuse just because it was my idea.

I really, really tried to adjust my attitude over the weekend. I put work completely out of my mind until Sunday, when I returned to dwelling on the things that piss me off. For example:

The bitch refuses to listen to or consider any input from me, and she probably never even looked at my resume long enough to see that I'm actually pretty good at developing more efficient ways of getting things done.
The bitch swears that she knows what works and that no one else knows better than her, and she completely disregards the fact that what works for her doesn't necessarily work for everyone.
The bitch behaves like she doesn't trust me or have any confidence in me, and she constantly implies that I'm slacking off or don't know what I'm doing, when in fact I'm at least as focused and conscientious as my coworkers...if not more so.
The bitch seems to actually think nagging us constantly is an appropriate way to motivate us, when in fact she's just bullying us into to meeting a very narrow set of standards that don't actually have much at all to do with the quality of our work.

I eventually did some meditation/hypnosis with Ryan in hopes of taking a Serenity Prayer approach to the whole mess. And that was when I got to the core the matter. It's not that I don't think I'm good enough, or that I'm as self righteous and arrogant as I probably sound, or that I give a damn what she thinks of me.

It's simply that I'm angry, and frustrated, and I have good reasons to be.

However, I shouldn't be letting this anger bleed into every area of my life to the point where I'm glaring at other Wal-Mart shoppers, flipping people off in traffic, lying awake at night and feeling generally mad at the world. And I shouldn't ever hang too much hope on seeing things change for the better there--outside of my own attitude, of course.

I think I just need to acknowledge my anger, give it a place and then use it.

So I'm not sure if the attitude adjustment actually worked, but things were a little better today. I worked frantically and relentlessly, and I wrote down every damn thing I worked on so I could defend myself if the boss asked why I wasn't getting enough done. And I only referred to her as "that bitch" two or three times--at least, before I sat down and started blogging!

Part of the whole accepting my anger thing is what led to this horridly long blog post. I have been avoiding the blog, and therefore depriving myself of a great way to vent frustrations, because I'm afraid of being that girl who complains about her job all the time.

But I think I just need to be that girl in my blog so I can work through things and maybe even track my progress. Yeah, some day I'll go back and read it and say "Wow, I was one bitter, sarcastic bitch back then!" But it won't be the first time...

Should I be worried...

2009-10-18T20:04:00.003-05:00

...about the fact that I've found myself behind this car twice in the last week?

Small Victories - I'll Take 'Em

2009-10-13T19:06:00.003-05:00

This was one of those rainy Fall days...the kind with a constant cold drizzle that eventually seeps into your bones and makes the urge to stay in bed so strong that you end up having to go to work with unwashed hair and wrinkled slacks...and even then you can't make it on time unless you're willing to give up stopping for coffee.

I opted for the coffee stop this morning, and I don't regret it.

This afternoon our supervising attorney thanked me for following up on something and being so thorough, and she said I was a pleasure to work with. I had emailed both her and my boss with a question, and she had given me a direct and simple, helpful answer. She copied my boss when she sent this bit of praise, and it made me very happy as she is the boss's boss.

A bit later I emailed both of them again with a question about something the supervising attorney had written in one of our intakes. This time, my boss replied--only to me--with "these questions come to me."

Mind you, she didn't answer the question...nor did she even pretend to talk around it. She just flat out disregarded it. But she damn sure asserted her authority!

Also today, the supervising attorney (who is officially my hero) emailed us to say she'd called the guy who chewed me out yesterday (and who subsequently chewed out my boss) and told him our firm will no longer be assisting him, as he has been abusive to our staff members.

In all, it was a pretty good day in spite of the boss's antics. I do feel trouble brewing, though. Even though I'm thorough and a pleasure to work with, our numbers aren't good enough and the boss is trying to figure out what needs to change. I made a couple of suggestions, which she pretty much dismissed, saying "I know what works."

But she mainly attributed our less-than-excellent scores to "absences" with a pointed look at my coworker....my coworker who has three kids--one with a rare neurological disease and another who's three months old and spent the first week of her life in ICU--and who missed work Friday for two of the kids' doctor appointments.

Never mind that lately there's simply more work coming in...more than we can easily handle within a restricted number of hours. We can make it work, but my boss's instructions to start "showing her everything before I send it" won't help any.*

Anyway, the complement seems to have lit a spark in me, and I really feel like fighting the boss's nonsense. She'll win...but I'll be right and we'll all know it. And one day, maybe my coworker and I will be given the respect we work so hard for.

*Yeah, I know that's poor use of quotation marks. I just don't care.

The Adventures of a Lukewarm Blogger

2009-10-12T19:08:00.006-05:00

I've been waiting to write my 100th post until I could think of something special to do, but that eventually became just one of the many things I was putting off. So I've decided to just get it over with and start working on the next 100 posts.

Effective this Friday I'm getting hired "permanently" at my job. Part of me thinks my boss is only doing this because she can't be bothered to keep approving my time card every week for the temp agency. I have, you see, had to remind her every single fucking Monday since the week she forgot to pay me, and that's usually after two other courtesy reminders on Friday!

Maybe it's the weather...the recent cooling-off and the unusual amount of rain for this time of year...maybe it's the chaotic work environment with a boss who openly avoids having to talk to us whenever she can get away with it and talks gibberish when she does bother to communicate...maybe it's the fact that I'm making just enough money to tread water but can't ever quite get my head above the surface and keep it there. Whatever it is, I'm more stressed out than ever, and I'm feeling pretty down about it.

Work today felt like what I imagine it's like to be buried alive. I started out in a hole, and every time I tried to climb out, someone threw another shovel full of dirt on me. And before I could dig my way out of that dirt, another load fell in on me. By the end of the day, somehow I had more stuff piled up than when I started, even though I'd been working nonstop all day. I hate that feeling.

Eh...it's just a gloomy day. And I'm coming down off a "customer service week" high, during which my boss had to pretend she appreciated us but ended up using all the "fun" activities as an excuse to avoid communicating with us. And I had a client chew me out today for something that was totally not my fault. I wasn't expecting that, so I had my guard down. Hell, I always have my guard down when it comes to being yelled at for things I can't control, because I just don't understand that mentality.

I absolutely hate people who think the only way to get what they want is by bullying others. And that is why customer service is NOT the field for me!

So there's a little slice of what my life's been like lately: I don't like my job, and I detest my boss. I'm bitter and cynical and pissed off, and recently I've had to edit myself because more and more I find I'm becoming that negative person in the office who makes everyone else feel hopeless. I usually catch it and try to come up with something positive in its place, but it's totally empty. I don't believe a damn word I'm saying.

I guess that's why, paragraph after paragraph, I keep telling myself pretty soon this post will take on a positive tone. And I just keep bitching. I'm an endless fountain of bitching.

Well, there are some things to be happy about...for example, I'm halfway through Season 1 of "Lost," and I'm enjoying the early episodes more than ever this time around. My goal is to watch all of the first five seasons before Season 6 starts in early 2010.

Lying around watching TV for hours on end and then more hours on end? It won't be easy, but I think I'm up for the challenge.

And, now that Post #100 is done, I can come back for #101 very soon to daydream, tell a funny story, or just bitch and moan some more...whatever the hell I feel like doing!

please pass the Valium

2009-09-13T21:34:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about my job a lot this weekend...some of the time intentionally, but most of the time not. And my thoughts keep circling back to the same two contradicting conclusions:

1. I cannot thrive in that environment. I need to work for someone who wants to see me develop, in a general career path or at the very least in the job I'm doing. I need a boss who will let me earn respect and trust, who will use my mistakes as opportunities to help me get better at my job, and who will make time to talk when I have important questions or concerns. These things aren't going to happen as long as I'm working for this woman.

2. I need to stick with this job for the benefits and the experience and the steady paycheck....for now. I can look for something better, but I can't quit until that something comes along. In other words, I'm sort of stuck. Just like I didn't want to be.

Time for a TV Guide check: nope, still not sorry I left. But that job set expectations for management and teamwork that I'm afraid no one will ever meet again. And that kinda frightens me.

Now that I'm in this for the long(er) term, I should start digging in and doing what comes naturally to me...organizing things, getting stuff done and generally kicking ass. I was getting there, but last week's setbacks completely zapped my motivation, and I need some sort of attitude adjustment. I think I need to remove my focus from criticizing my boss's management skills and concentrate on proving myself. Duh.

I don't have to bend over backwards or perform miracles; I just need to be myself and do it well. And quit letting this shit follow me home.

And keep looking for better opportunities...

p.s. That woman didn't approve my time card Friday afternoon, as she insisted she'd be doing from now on. She didn't even stick to her plan for one week. So I have to remind her to do it in the morning, when she supposedly won't have time.

...and still chaos reigns

2009-09-10T19:04:00.008-05:00

When my boss fired the Crazy Bitch, I decided to wipe the slate clean and give the whole place a fresh start. And it went really well for a while...but I think we all knew it wouldn't last forever.

Because my boss is still bat shit crazy.

Things started to deteriorate last week when she forgot to approve my time card. She wasn't nearly apologetic enough, and then she decided to "crack down" on us temps as if it was our fault. She's moved up our deadline for submitting time cards, because if she doesn't do them on Fridays she just won't have time to go back and do them Monday mornings. Reasonable request, but shitty timing and lousy delivery.

And then this week she just went and lost her mind. Things have been great with my coworkers and me, and she even noticed we look happier and commended us for great teamwork. But then she started back up with the passive-aggressive emails, sending out commands but not wanting to answer follow-up questions or discuss things any further.

Yesterday, out of the blue, she decided my coworker and I should switch responsibilities...even though we've worked out a great system and are super comfortable with our roles. I tried to find out if I'd made some sort of mistake, but she insisted I was doing fine and she just wanted to put us back in "familiar territory" for a while. We tried to explain that it wasn't familiar or comfortable and that we were much happier the way things were. I expressed again that I'd be happy to revisit my notes and correct anything I might be doing wrong, but she wouldn't budge.

All this happened in the midst of the busiest day EVER...absurdly busy. Of course, we weren't as efficient as we could have been if she'd just left us alone, and the work was piling up three times faster than we could get it done.

Then she decided we needed to start doing certain tasks differently. This involved new procedures we weren't quite sure about, so I asked her to spend a few minutes with us to make sure we knew how to properly do things the way she wanted.

Her response was an email that said she's too busy to come over and teach us anything new, and that we're just going to have to keep on doing what we know until she has some time to work with us. She pointed out that she's already told both of us this. In other words, she just wants to make uninformed and poorly thought-out decisions, but she doesn't want us to bother her about the details.

This shit went on for two days before I learned the real reason for the upheaval. It was all because I asked her a fucking question. She felt I should know better by now and told my coworker so, but she didn't discuss anything with me. Thankfully, my coworker set her straight and pointed out that she didn't know the answer either, which was why I had to ask the boss in the first place.

In the end, she spent an hour going over new procedures with my coworker (not me) and then turned her loose with three pages of incoherent notes. She came by later to show me how to do something the new way, but she didn't teach me one damn thing I didn't already know!

She finally relented and gave us back our old roles, but with her new poorly-thought out procedures, things take twice as long as before and I'm more confused than ever because she just doesn't have the time or the patience to work with me.

So my boss apparently still thinks I'm an idiot, even after all my efforts to prove otherwise in light of Crazy Bitch's lies. And apparently when I make mistakes, there's no correcting and learning from them--she just stops talking to me and takes away responsibilities and generally acts like she's quit taking her Ritalin.

If I were reading this and I didn't know me, I'd surely think the problem was with the author. I'd think I had a bad attitude and blamed everyone else for my own problems. But I swear to you, it's NOT ME. That woman is impossible.

Don't even get me started on how she assumed I'd love to keep working there as a permanent employee without her even going through the formality of offering me a job...or how she just never bothered to answer my email asking her what the starting pay would be when I was no longer a temp. And again, who fucking forgets to pay her employees and then somehow acts like it's their fault instead of apologizing profusely?

I'm not saying the Crazy Bitch wasn't the problem before...just that apparently she wasn't the only problem.

p.s. I miss you more than ever, Jefe.

My Luck (if that's what you call it)

2009-09-03T20:37:00.005-05:00

I think this week might make history as one of the three most traumatic weeks of my life.

Yesterday (my weekly pay day), my boss nonchalantly informed me in an email that she forgot to approve my time card and I wasn't going to get paid. Fortunately, the temp agency fronted a percentage of my pay in advance, so I got something today.

However, the advance was a normal paper check, and my check is normally direct deposited. So I spent my lunch hour driving across town to the credit union to try and head off the charges that were already coming in to my empty bank account.

I was a little late getting back, and I guess that's why I rear-ended someone a few blocks away from the office. It was a horrible, smarmy couple and their son from Michigan. They were driving a rental car, but by the way the son reacted, you'd think it was a brand new car he'd just bought with his life savings. Asshole.

They insisted on calling the police, so I waited on the sidewalk, trying not to cry while my Arby's sandwich got lukewarm and my Hershey bar melted in its wrapper. At one point my temper almost got away from me, and I found myself on the verge of telling that fucking kid what an inconsiderate, hateful little prick I thought he was. Fortunately I didn't, and I think Karma might have rewarded me.

The policeman was very nice and even apologized when he gave me a ticket. Then he helped me jump start my car, which had gone dead just sitting with the hazard lights on. While his partner connected the jumper cables, I finally got up the nerve to drop my dad's name. In a surprising turn of luck, the police officer called up my dad and then took my ticket away apologetically. What a nice fella!

That saved me the trouble of having to beg for mercy from one of the attorneys at work, which was convenient because the afternoon was chaotic as all hell. The rest of the day flew by, and then I came home and crawled right into bed. I woke up a couple of hours later with a yucky headache.

Did I mention I've been sick for nearly a week with some gross bug that's going around? Whenever I laugh, my lungs actually rattle. Were it not for the similar rattles heard around the office, I'd have to wonder if I'd contracted some sort of grave illness.

Anyway, my insurance premium will probably go up, but I didn't get a ticket and my car didn't get enough damage to speak of. Hopefully I can get through the rest of this week without having a nervous breakdown.

Now, I'm sure at least one of you three readers is wondering about the other two most traumatic weeks of my life. This one falls in at number three, and second place would go to the week back in college when I broke my pinky toe.

Actually, it started when I was bitten on the neck by a brown recluse (also known as a fiddleback) spider. I went to bed with an itchy neck and woke the next morning with a sore whelp as big in diameter as a baseball.

I don't know if it was the spider bite, the Dial body wash my doctor recommended, or the stress of house-sitting with an itchy, highly annoying dog that week...but something caused me to break out in hives. Terrible, terrible hives.

After three doctor visits and a round of steroids, I did what I should have done first and took some benadryl. Then I went to my closet to put on my shoes and go feed that damn dog one last time. That was when, dopey from the medicine, I ran into the door frame of the closet and broke my pinky toe.

You know, I never even noticed that little toe until I broke it. Apparently it's just as important as the other toes for walking, and there's really no good way to put a splint on the pudgy little thing.

But that was nothing compared to the week after my darling cat Sunshine had emergency butt surgery...and then another butt surgery to fix the previous one. It wasn't just that I had to clean her butt stitches morning and night...it was the way she screamed at me every time, like I was trying to kill her...and the way she started foaming at the mouth every time I tried to give her the antibiotics, and the way the slobber collected inside that stupid e-collar...

I hated everyone that week, passionately and without exception.

When the weekend came, I had to board Sunshine at the vet for a few days, as I was going home for Christmas and she still needed medication twice a day. When they took her back to the treatment room and I could hear her screaming all the way up front (as per the usual), for once I didn't cringe and cover my ears.

No, I leaned back in my chair and laughed, thinking "she's their problem now."

And then I got the hell out of town...which sounds like a pretty good idea now, actually. I haven't seen Ryan in nearly two weeks, and after the week I've had, nothing can cheer me up like heading to OKC for a quiet weekend with my awesome boyfriend and his little orange tabbies.

Not Your Year

2009-09-02T21:37:00.002-05:00

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you’re happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you’re doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating “don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.”

©2006 Deb Talan & Steve Tannen (ASCAP/BMI). All rights reserved

It's my pretty paper now, bitch.

2009-08-24T21:09:00.007-05:00

This week I'm still getting settled into my new cubicle, and into a much more peaceful work environment. My recently returned coworker has been refreshingly direct with anyone previously hoodwinked by the Crazy Bitch, explaining that the Crazy Bitch had to go, as she was a cancer in the office. She also makes a point to clarify I'm doing just fine and that she has no problem with me, professionally or personally.

Friday morning I got my second hang-up call, almost certainly from the Crazy Bitch. I'm told when she finally got in touch with my coworker Thursday night, she ranted for quite a while and even made some threats against our boss.

"...and that bitch Katy was at my desk within fifteen minutes after I left!"

My co-worker's reply will ring in my memory for a long time to come:

"It's Katy's desk now."

We received emails warning about "a disgruntled former employee" calling people within the firm trying to obtain proprietary information, and some passwords were changed. I looked over my shoulder a bit last week, but this week memories of the legendary bitchiness are already starting to fade.

Crazy Bitch left behind a few personal effects, including some cutesy polka-dot paper, some fancy paisley paperclips and a box of plain envelopes. I haven't decided what to do with these items...I hear she complained about wanting them back, but she certainly won't be allowed to set foot in the building to retrieve them. I'll probably just throw them away--I don't want any of her crap--but I amused myself today thinking how mad she'd be if she ever saw me using them.

Yeah, I'm vindictive. I'm going to shake off the nastiness leave it behind soon, I promise. But at the moment I'm still riding the high from last week's victory.

Prozac Girl wins!

2009-08-20T22:07:00.008-05:00

When I got to work this rainy, gloomy morning, the Crazy Bitch was sitting at her desk--totally silent for once--with a box of her things beside her. As I walked by, she called my name and asked if I knew what was going on and then informed me HR was on the way over to talk with her.

I told her I knew nothing, and then I went to my desk to wait for the drama to unfold. But things remained eerily quiet. I don't know how they did it, but somehow they got her out of there without any kind of disruption in our work area, and shortly thereafter I moved into her cubicle.

(Any suggestions on how to banish cubicle-demons?)

I later learned that more than one of my coworkers had gotten fed up and complained about her. Also, one of them confirmed my suspicions that the Crazy Bitch has been bad-mouthing me all this time, telling people I'm terrible at my job and implying that all I do is make more work for her. I think she's been telling my boss the same thing, but fortunately that's all cleared up now.

I hereby officially retract anything bad I said about my boss, my coworkers and the general "they." I'm starting to see just how much turmoil and confusion the Crazy Bitch was causing, and I think it was doing even more damage than I realized. Our boss was frustrated and certainly had her hands full trying to keep the Crazy Bitch in line and make sense of the lies she was telling. And I think somehow the Bitch had the rest of us thinking maybe each of us was alone in despising her, which affected our relationships with each other--not to mention with our boss.

Anyway, my boss apologized for letting this go on so long and said she's amazed I've done as well as I have. Also, as soon as I've put in the hours required by the temp agency, she's going to hire me permanently.

Hello, health benefits!!!

I feel like I've woken up in the twighlight zone, or maybe that's where I've been all along and now I'm back.

2009-08-19T19:12:00.006-05:00

I started this work week back in the file room, where I wrangled thousands of dusty files and tried to fight back the feeling that somehow I'd lost a major battle. I almost quit that day; I actually tried to call my person at the temp agency, but she was out for the day.

Compounding my frustration was the fact that the Crazy Bitch was in a worse mood than ever and was was not speaking to me---or maybe I wasn't speaking to her. Either way, the battle line was drawn. Her nasty, furtive glares didn't bother me nearly as much as the loud, pointed comments to others about how terrible things were while our coworker was on maternity leave. I just kept my head down, and in some ways the file room felt like a safe haven. But I missed my job.

Yesterday I emerged from the file room to help with document processing, which was even worse than filing but allowed me to work at my (new and very crappy) desk. That's what I was doing when one of my coworkers got fed up with the Crazy Bitch and called her on how hateful she was. It was an awesome moment, but I didn't realize at the time it was also a major turning point.

Since then, my boss has suddenly learned how awful this girl is to everyone else and has begun telling me how glad she is that I stuck around as long as I did. "We're not like that," she declared to me passionately, adding that we work together as a team, and that kind of bullying is not going to be tolerated.

I was a little surprised to learn she wasn't aware of the above-mentioned bullying before---I guess I thought any number of other people had cause to bring this to her attention long before I did. But she said she thought it was just a problem between her and the Crazy Bitch and talked about how she'd found herself becoming the kind of boss she doesn't want to be. I think I can understand where she's coming from, because people as manipulative and hateful as the Crazy Bitch can usually convince everyone else they're the crazy ones.

I certainly know the type!

Anyway, long story short: I'm staying on with the firm after this week. I think my boss totally loves me, and she's assured me things will be much better going forward. What this means specifically I can't quite say, but I think the writing is on the wall.

(I wonder if I can work in one more cliche before I finish this post...)

Crazy Bitch called out sick today, and I got to do my old work again. It was nice and peaceful, but I felt like a dog that's been kicked around so long it doesn't know how to do anything but flinch.

Is this what it feels like to be vindicated? I feel more disoriented than relieved or triumphant, but we'll see what the rest of the week brings and how I feel when it's over.

"I've got enough f-bombs for all y'all."

2009-08-16T18:13:00.008-05:00

That's what I declared in the car today when my acute minor road rage started to flare up, and then I laughed.

But in all seriousness, I may need to take that mentality to work with me tomorrow.

One more week left on the temp job. The girl I'm filling in for comes back tomorrow, so I'll be doing different work. I don't know what it'll be, and in fact when I get in tomorrow I won't even have a desk or a computer. It should be a fun time.

I was settling in for a lazy nap this afternoon, thinking about how nice it feels to be at home and not busy--and wondering if I'll get to do more napping after this temp job ends--when my phone rang. It was the girl from work that I've been filling in for. Apparently my worst enemy the Crazy Bitch had called to give her a heads up about something I mentioned (completely innocently) to the boss last week. I wasn't trying to get anyone in trouble, just explaining why I did something the way I did.

My boss's ears perked up over something I said, and apparently she thought she smelled a conspiracy. So I went to her office with the piece of paper I'd mentioned and explained it was just a note this girl had made for herself and I was using it at my own discretion. Well, the Crazy Bitch I work with (who only heard a small portion of that discussion) called this other girl to warn her about it, and this girl in turn called me to ask for an explanation. On a fucking Sunday afternoon.

So I explained I'd referenced the note but never claimed she'd told me to use it or tried to blame her for my mistake. She seemed satisfied with my explanation and was very reasonable, but that put a big dent in my relaxing evening. I was not expecting the work bullshit to creep up on me on a Sunday afternoon, and my guard was down.

So I wasn't ready when this girl said "So I hear things haven't been going too well with you and [Crazy Bitch]." I was so caught off guard that I didn't even realize at first who'd most likely told her that (Crazy Bitch herself, obviously), and I said a few candid things that'll probably now be repeated to the Crazy Bitch.

Great. That's just great. I thought I was re-entering the work force, and somehow I ended up in a nightmarish version of high school instead.

It's only one more week, and I know I should detach myself from the whole situation. But even at my wise old age, I'm still surprised and hurt when people talk about me behind my back--especially if they're demonizing me unfairly. If I'm being a demon, fine...I'll be a demon and then I'll apologize for it. But if I'm putting in a genuine effort to do excellent work and I'm treating people with basic respect, I can't stand having evil motives attributed to me.

So this is basically what I've been up to lately: having constant inner dialogues that go in spiraling circles, and trying not to become that which surrounds me. And taking lots of Advil.

I don't know what else to say about this; I'm still in the stage of being pissed off and sickened by how ridiculous these people are! I guess I should let it all settle and then maybe try to write something rational later about how I don't answer to these people and they don't sign my paycheck and it doesn't matter what they think of me because I'll be out of there in a week anyway.

But it does matter, whether I like it or not. It hurts my feelings.

God, I hope I was never that bad.

2009-08-12T20:12:00.005-05:00

Next week will be my last week on the current temp job, and I have to admit I won't be entirely sorry when it's over. It'll certainly be the end of an era...or something.

Like most change, it's bittersweet.

On one hand, I really love this job. The legal stuff is interesting, and we're helping people. Granted, I'm not doing a lot myself...just passing on information that 90% of them are glad to receive. They are so grateful, and so gracious, and so kind. My reward is hearing the relief, gratitude and hope in a someone's voice when I say "I have someone who may be able to help you."

Plus, I get to talk to people from all over Oklahoma--both attorneys and civilians. I love the genuine friendliness that feels like home, and I'm delighted by the varying dialects. I love when an attorney takes time to tell me about his little corner of the world, how to pronounce the name of some little town I've never heard of, and what of note (if anything) goes on there. Truth be told, I'm enchanted.

But then there's the work environment...a loony fucking annoying co-worker and management that SUCKS like I didn't think possible. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I have been repeatedly horrified by some of the things I've learned too late and have been doing wrong all along. And I'm not just talking about minor procedural details (although those are also a problem); I'm talking major things too.

Of course, the boss never takes any responsibility. She just blames my coworkers, who I have to admit have been pretty lousy about following rules and sharing information with me. To an extent she's right to blame them, but at the end of the day they're just a product of her lousy management.

I've been working there about two months, and if I were to add up all the time she's spent talking to me about my job (including the interview!) it probably wouldn't amount to 30 minutes. Which wouldn't be so bad if she had someone competent to train me and answer my questions. Alas, no. The majority of her communication with us consists of a couple of gruff sentences (commands, corrections, etc.) in the subject field of an email. Sometimes, if she's feeling especially generous, she'll include some passive-aggressive comments in the body of the email about how she knows she's told us this before and it better not happen again.

I don't care if it's directed at me or not...it's disheartening and frustrating. There's never any useful follow up or further explanation of how to do things correctly. The woman is straight up bat shit crazy.

Not everyone there is an ogre, of course. There are some super nice people outside my group that I'd love to know better, and I am sorry I'll miss out on working with them more. But I'm not sure putting up with the craziness would be worth it.

I'm ready for it to be over so I can move on.

A Weekend by the Lake

2009-08-03T19:25:00.007-05:00

Some pics from a weekend at Grand Lake with Ryan and his mom. Ryan took all of these but the last one...

very clever branding

2009-07-30T21:08:00.009-05:00

Not only do they sell their catnip in a "Fat Jar," but they also have a kickass youtube ad:

Is It Me?

2009-07-28T21:14:00.003-05:00

I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to figure out what's going on with me and why I find it so hard to adjust to new jobs. Consider my history since leaving my supervisor position at TV Guide and moving back to Oklahoma:

1. Began volunteering sporadically with a local animal rescue group, but eventually quit because it wasn't like Kitty Cottage and I couldn't stand the board member I had to work with.

2. After interviewing with two of Tulsa's largest rescue groups, accepted a job at a veterinary clinic in Oklahoma City, which I quit after three weeks because I couldn't stand the people I worked with and their shitty notion of teamwork (nor could I bear the knowledge that the freezer in back held dead animals waiting to be cremated).

3. Got a great temp job I'd really love to stick with, but some days I feel I might lose my mind because I can't stand the girl I work with.

Now, I consider myself to be an incredibly diplomatic and patient person, but there's no denying the pattern here. And the fact that I openly admit to liking animals much more than I like people doesn't help my case.

In my defense, it's perfectly normal to have some trouble adjusting to new jobs after working in the same place for nine years.

But I'm not quite ready to claim this as solely my problem. I'm still clinging to the notion that I've found myself in two bizarrely fucked up work environments where functioning normally is nearly impossible.

As much as I'd like elaborate on this theory, I'm finding it difficult to write about my experiences. The fiasco with the veterinary job was so emotionally trying that I actually felt heart broken...devastated, even. It's still painful to think about it. And the current job situation is so baffling that I honestly can't tell from one day to the next if I'm in a hostile work environment or just sitting next to one crazy bitch.

So I'll leave it at this for now: I don't know what my problem is, but it's quite possible everyone else is at least as crazy as I am.

2009-07-18T10:28:00.004-05:00

Prozac Girl has learned the Raving Psycho Bitch hates cats.

It's on now, bitch. It is SO on.

Hell Yeah

2009-07-17T22:46:00.003-05:00

I can't think of a better way than this to spend a Friday night home alone:

Prozac Girl and the Raving Psycho Bitch

2009-07-16T20:10:00.012-05:00

If you were hoping I'd be writing about my dueling personalities, I'm sorry to disappoint you...

But this is more of a "Tortoise and the Hare" kind of story.

The main character is Prozac Girl---our tortoise, if you will. Prozac Girl likes to work, and she takes her new job very seriously. In the course of her training, she wrote step-by-step instructions for each of her tasks, had them checked for accuracy and placed them neatly in a report folder that is already bent and scuffed from being opened and closed so many times. She still doesn't quite know what she's doing half the time, but she does the other half quite well.

Prozac Girl works quietly in her cubicle all day, occasionally making her presence known with a giggle, or with a conscientious question about her work. She doesn't socialize with her coworkers unless they seek her out for conversation (in which case they find her to be surprisingly warm), and she doesn't waste company time with personal calls because she hates talking on the phone and wants to get her work done.

She's slow, but she's thorough and accurate.

One cubicle over, the Raving Psycho Bitch never shuts up. She shares personal information with anyone who'll listen, confiding even to the floors, the walls, and the air as if to her closest friend. It seems Psycho Bitch thinks she'll cease to exist if she ever stops talking and demanding attention.

Prozac Girl wishes Psycho Bitch would cease to exist.

When the boss asks Psycho Bitch to do something she doesn't want to do, she either refuses to do it or complains loudly until the task is completed. While Psycho Bitch complains, or smokes, or tries to dump her work on someone else, or goes on a tirade against the boss, Prozac Girl continues working, slowly but steadily, using that time to keep up with her growing work queue.

Psycho Bitch clearly feels threatened by Prozac Girl and tries to undermine her with not-so-subtle tactics. She snatches up Prozac Girl's easy assignments between smoke breaks, trying to build up her performances scores the way the Chinese build up the protein content in pet food with melamine. Every evening, Psycho Bitch announces to everyone how many referrals she's completed that day. And, if she feels the number is too low, she qualifies it with a recap of the horribly difficult tasks she was forced to undertake in addition to her other grueling work.

The first time Prozac Girl completed more referrals in a day than Psycho Bitch, the accomplishment did not go unnoticed. "Well, you don't have to do all the things I have to do," Psycho Bitch whined. Prozac Girl smiled to herself, refraining from congratulating Psycho Bitch on all her smoke breaks, temper tantrums and episodes of personal drama, taking pleasure in her secret sarcasm.

When she overhears Psycho Bitch indirectly blaming her for things she herself did wrong, Prozac Girl fumes silently in her cubicle. Sometimes she confronts Psycho Bitch, innocently asking "Did I mess something up?" Psycho Bitch never gives her a direct answer, but Prozac Girl doesn't worry...she's confident Psycho Bitch isn't fooling anyone.

Prozac Girl is particularly disturbed by Psycho Bitch's use of the word "literally." For example, Psycho Bitch once declared "My back is literally killing me."

Oh, how Prozac Girl wished it were true!

When things become unbearable, Prozac Girl sends her boyfriend text messages and voice mails packed with even more profanity than usual. Cussing makes Prozac Girl happy, and if she says "fuck" enough times, her anger turns into a bittersweet, triumphant amusement that motivates her to work even harder.

Prozac Girl is confident she'll win out in the end. The Psycho Bitch, like the hare, is overly confident in her worth and fails to see how Prozac Girl is catching up with her. She may be a just lowly temp now, but they'll be glad to have her when the time comes to fire that Crazy Raving Psycho Bitch. And if they never have the sense to fire her, Prozac Girl reminds herself, "I don't want to work for those goddamn idiots anyway."

Road Rage: A True Story

2009-07-05T22:00:00.013-05:00

I had a road rage incident today with a little prick in a big truck, and I'm still laughing about it.

I was following Ryan to a Jiffy Lube in Oklahoma City when it happened. Ryan changed lanes, and before I could fall in behind him, the jerk in the pickup came speeding up beside me. I knew if I got behind him I wouldn't be able to see Ryan's car anymore, so I sped up and put on my turn signal as a way of asking him to back off and let me in.

Instead, he sped up just as I moved over in front of him, and I had to swerve back over to keep from getting hit. Having made his point, the jackass backed off and I continued with my lane change, using a hand signal to indicate I wasn't pleased with his manners.

He went around me on the right, chucking a piece of ice as he passed me, and then got in front of Ryan before stopping at a red light. Ryan and I were about to turn left, so I passed him again after moving to the left turn lane. And I was really mad...so I didn't just flip him off.

I rolled down the window, honked my horn, stuck my arm out the window and waved my middle finger high.

My triumphant moment was cut short when I realized the green arrow was gone and I had to stop while the jerk got a green light. So much for having the last laugh; he was going to pass me one more time. I braced myself, knowing he had a drink and wasn't afraid to use it.

I didn't care...flipping him off felt good, and I was ready to pay the price for it. Besides, I knew my windshield would get washed when I got my oil changed.

As he passed, a few drops of clear liquid splattered lightly over my windshield, and it was so gloriously anticlimactic that I laughed out loud!

As it turned out, the Jiffy Lube was closed. I had to get my oil changed elsewhere, and they neither cleaned my windshield nor filled my empty wiper fluid tank. So when I picked up my car, it was still covered in syrupy splatters.

But they rotated my tires for free, so it all worked out. I refilled my own washer fluid and got a car wash. Problem solved.

Okay look, guys: I know this is a lame story, but my life lacks adventure these days, and that was the most excitement I've had all summer. Just humor me, okay?

Mighty Mites

2009-07-01T20:44:00.010-05:00

What an odd little story! I'm itching all over now, but I do love Oklahoma.

Mighty mites cause problems

Associated Press - July 1, 2009 8:45 PM ET

DRUMMOND, Okla. (AP) - When the Garfield County Sheriff's office started receiving calls about millions of ants crossing the intersection of Oklahoma 132 and a county road, deputy Troy Bush thought it was joke.

Bush says when he arrived on Monday, there were so many insects that it appeared as if the ground were moving and the tiny critters had created a slick, hazardous area on the pavement stretching a quarter-mile long.

Eventually authorities learned the bugs weren't ants, but were mites.

Apparently the mites were crossing the road that day after having dinner in a field of canola plants that had just been harvested. Bush says the slick spot was created by the mites feasting on the plants, which are used to produce canola oil.

Oklahoma Department of Transportation crews lightly sanded the slick portion of the road.

Information from: Enid News & Eagle, http://www.enidnews.com

Alissa

2009-06-30T20:24:00.005-05:00

This is a recent picture of my favorite shelter cat, Alissa. She still resides at Kitty Cottage in East Norriton, PA and is allowed to live in the front office because she despises other cats. Although she's heavily medicated and generally happy being an office cat, her notorious feistiness will still come out if she's properly provoked.

She is curious and lovable and funny-looking and soft like a bunny rabbit. Her ears are on the side of her head rather than the top, giving her the appearance of always being up to no good. She enjoys playing fetch, sleeping in the sun and having her forehead rubbed.

I love her.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

2009-06-29T21:40:00.005-05:00

Day Three, and the temp job is going well. I'm working in a law office, processing referrals and placing people all over Oklahoma with lawyers to meet their needs. It's fairly simple and straightforward, but complex enough to require some skill and decision-making ability. And I'm helping people, which is nice.

I just can't get over the fact that this low-key job pays so much better than the high-stress nightmare I just came from!

Tonight as I was running errands, I heard a song that took me right back to my depressed days in Pennsylvania.

Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night

And then it hits me and I can't even believe this is my life

It was nice to look back on those days without feeling the suffocating quiet despair that dominated my life then. Sometimes I truly felt like I was living someone else's life. The only time I felt like my genuine self was when I came back to Oklahoma for visits and when I was at Kitty Cottage; the rest of the time, the real me was buried in work, beer, cat hair and paralyzing depression.

My life is certainly not perfect now (and the cat hair remains), but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm ME again, and I'm home. And if I ever leave home again, I'll be taking along the real me--not some heavy load of other people's expectations.

Working again...again.

2009-06-25T20:34:00.004-05:00

I really lucked out this week!

Tuesday I notified a temp agency I was available for work again. They called back two hours later with a job lead, and Wednesday afternoon I was called in for an interview. The following is a summary of how it went:

Office Manager: Hi, are you Katy?
Me: Yes, it's nice to meet you.
OM: Do you have a pulse?
Me: I think so.
OM: Can you start tomorrow?
Me: Sure!

Okay, that's not how it went word for word, but that's about how long it took. And it's a decent job, with a respectable starting pay. It's only for six weeks, but I'm half hoping I might eventually be able to angle for a permanent job in their Oklahoma City office after I get a feel for the place.

So I started today, and I've already learned a lot about who not to trust and how to cover my ass. This was explained to me in a straightforward, relevant and professional context, which I really appreciated.

I'm not looking to get strung up and left to the vultures like I did in the last job!

Yesh

2009-06-23T11:39:00.000-05:00

I Love The Sopranos

2009-06-23T00:23:00.002-05:00

Tony: You threw food at Vito. That's got to be resolved.

Christopher: He was fucking laughing, which was wrong!

Deadbeats have Mondays, too.

2009-06-22T12:35:00.009-05:00

Sadness finds its way onto me

On any given day

And I just end up feeling guilty

I don't know how many times I've told you

I don't know how I ended up this way

It's as if sometimes I have just halted

I stop dead in my tracks

Life, it just seems to cover me

It's in these moments that I feel trapped

I'm trying, but lately I've had a hard time fighting off the urge to sleep the day away. Things were so much better this weekend. With Ryan here, I had places to go, people to see and things to do. Now I'm back to figuring out what the hell's next.

I have some ideas in the works, in addition to searching for a traditional job. I could probably get some pet-sitting gigs if I worked at it, and I'm looking for a cheap wholesale provider for eBay sales--maybe focusing on pet products. I'm even considering talking to someone about selling Pampered Chef stuff, if they'd let me sell on eBay. And I'm looking into taking some classes, maybe communications and PR stuff, or web design and layout, or...I don't know.

Too many ideas, not enough plans.

But on deck first is eBay...I have several things that should sell, and I'm going to get them listed today.

(Speaking of eBay, at the bottom of this blog page I have a scrolling gallery that shows everything I have available. It doesn't link up to the listings like it's supposed to, but you can access my Auctiva page where it says "Click here to browse all my EBay items, " and from there you can get to the individual listings. I'm just sayin'.)

I haven't been returning phone calls or emails as a general rule lately, just because I'm still in a funk. I'll get out of it eventually, though. One step at a time...

A paycheck would certainly help!

2009-06-22T10:38:00.001-05:00

ten things I hated about my last job

2009-06-18T21:29:00.005-05:00

1. Limping home after standing on my feet all day.

2. Constantly stepping on my baggy scrubs.

3. Getting to hold tiny kittens and puppies but having to give them back instead of putting them in my pocket and taking them home.

4. Seeing sedated animals laid out on the table with their tongues hanging out.

5. Cheap people looking for cheap alternatives to proper pet care.

6. Adopt-a-dog Saturdays...try making follow up calls with several cages full of barking shelter dogs set up in the main aisle, in the direct path of all the pets visiting the vet or the groomer.

7. "Customer needs assistance with a rat, please. Customer needs assistance with a rat."

8. Finding myself reduced from a confident, capable person to a terrified moron.

9. Passive-aggressive pet nurses.

10. PetSmart customers: ("I'm sorry, but I don't know where the Flies Off spray is. No, seriously. Don’t look at me that way. I don’t work for PetSmart!")

Back to job hunting...

2009-06-16T23:28:00.010-05:00

I found this Craigslist post delightful until I began to feel mocked, somehow:

Poet Dreamer Needed ASAP (Shawnee)

One Poet Dreamer, must be willing to work flexible hours, 3rd shifts, OT, and be able to lift 50 pounds.... of dreams!

My Story

2009-06-16T14:16:00.025-05:00

Tell a lie sometimes

Tell the truth when it suits you

And when you've lost your way

Tell a story

Tell your story

Tell it, tell it

Tell your story

To anyone who'll listen

Tell your story

Don't stop talking

Just tell your story walking

I'm going to sit here with my laptop and write until I have finished a blog post, if it kills me. Most likely it won't kill me, and then I can put some things behind me and move on.

So three weeks into the new job, I had to admit I was miserable and it wasn't going to get better. Last Friday night I came home around 8:30 and cried my eyes out, and it was a huge relief when, with Ryan's support, I decided not to go back.

Simply put, I didn't feel I was getting the training or support I needed to do my job well. I wasn't screwing things up, but the only time I seemed to get feedback was when I did make mistakes. I was assigned a bunch of online courses, and they were very helpful. But I didn't have enough time to work on them because I was so busy working.

I know these all sound like the typical challenges of a new job, but there was also some sort of passive-aggressive undercurrent with the staff members that really baffled me. It came to the surface occasionally, as early as my first couple of days, and it really put me off. I had a hard time seeing myself being part of a team that lacked a basic sense of mutual respect. If they were that way toward each other, what reason did I have to expect anything different for myself?

I don't feel like I'm explaining everything adequately. I know my reasons for leaving are valid, and my friends and family have been nothing but supportive and encouraging.

But what I don't understand is why I still feel so rotten. Being with Ryan helped a lot, but since I left his place on Sunday, I've been in a terrible funk. Why? What have I lost but a few weeks?

Even the kitties can't quite console me.

So telling the story in my blog is the first step, a way to get a foothold on a new path. If I can write it down, maybe I can let it go.

There. I did it!

Now, to change pace...I've been watching The Holiday in the background as I've been writing this. I'm not a chick flick kind of girl, but I find this movie enchanting! It's a great, light-hearted way to contemplate where you are in life and where you're going. I watched it with Jen a couple of years ago, and she said Kate Winslett's character reminded her of me. I am a big fan of Jack Black, who played her romantic interest, and I adore his character in the movie--and besides, Kate Winslett is gorgeous--so I rather liked the comparison.

"See?" she said as the movie ended. "You just need to find your Jack Black."

And I think I have! God knows Ryan is silly enough to fit the bill. I think sometimes he worries that he goes too far, but I adore his antics. I love that he sees the humor in life, and that he can be just as serious and caring as he is silly.

I really don't know what I'd do without him. This latest debacle with my job situation has really knocked me on my ass, as far as self-esteem is concerned, and I find myself wondering if I really deserve him. By admitting how depressed I feel, am I dragging him down? By not getting and keeping a damn job, am I holding him back from all the fun things he'd like for us to do together that we can't afford?

But why dream up problems where there aren't any? He loves me, and he's on my side. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Now, it's time to get up and follow the advice Kate Winslett was given in the movie:

It's time to be the leading lady in my own life.

(click image to play song)

My new favorite commercial

2009-06-11T22:49:00.002-05:00

...and they drove off into the butt crack of dawn.

2009-06-03T20:25:00.012-05:00

Ah, where to start? I've had such an eventful couple of weeks that I'm not sure I can hit all the highlights. But I'll give it a go...

First, my sister's wedding...it's over!

It went quite well, actually, but it took a lot out of everyone. It was fun meeting the fiance's family, especially the grandma from Germany who spoke minimal English. They are a lively bunch, the kind that's both interesting and exhausting at the same time. The fiance's dad was a little much--quite the flirt and pretty shameless about it. I'm not used to that anymore, but fortunately he didn't have his heart set on me or any other particular girl. Rather, he preferred to spread his attention among all of us. The mom, his ex-wife, was a blast...even though she left her little dog at our house three days in a row, traumatizing the hell out of my children.

Pippy made the unfortunate mistake of trying to escape from my room once and found himself face to face with said strange dog. He was so freaked out that he slammed his head on the door frame trying to get back in, and that's what I mean by trauma!

But not all the trauma was caused by outsiders, as Sunshine would be quick to point out. And she should know, being the recent target of one of George's spraying fits--almost literally.

Apparently pissed off (pun not intended) by my constant scolding for his stalking behavior, my precious little George pissed all over my file boxes the other night as I was sitting at my computer. Sunshine was in her little basket under my desk, having given up on enjoying her share of the catnip. I'd tried to give her a private stash, and--though there was plenty of it elsewhere--George had promptly gone after it, only to be chased away by yours truly.

Next thing I knew, George was standing directly under my chair, and I heard a strange noise and felt a slight breeze. He's always sounded more like a horse than a cat when he pees, and that's probably why his mess splattered all over poor Sunshine.

After that I had no choice but to move Sunshine to the one remaining free bedroom, where she cried incessantly whenever she knew I was in the house. She was so loud that one evening the neighbor across the street called to ask if we'd accidentally left a cat outside. Which only happened because I had the window open trying to air out the smell of George's piss, which he had sprayed all over a stack of boxes upon sneaking into Sunshine's new room.

That's also how I came to find myself picking up a bunch of very old, extremely dusty books the next day, one at a time, and sniffing them individuallly. You see, the books were in the box George peed on, and I needed to find out if any smelled like piss so I could remove them and their offending odor. Fun stuff.

I know I'm jumping around, but that's what it's been like around here lately.

So back to the wedding stuff...the ceremony was nice, the dresses were beautiful, my sister was calm and well-behaved, and my little nephew Charlie was the cutest little ring bearer EVER. I saw very little of the reception and barely had time to sneak some cake between duties, but I did have plenty of opportunity to notice that Ryan and both of my nephews looked dashing in their suits!

The next day, I was totally beat. I skipped out on lunch with the new in-laws so I could gather my stuff and get ready to head back to Ryan's and work the next morning. The new brother-in-law gave me a hard time about not spending time with my sister, and that didn't sit well with me. Who was he to make me feel guilty over someone who's never made it a priority to spend time with me???

Besides, everything is not all about her. She may be graduating and getting married and, supposedly, conquering the world, but I have a new job and I happen to think it's pretty important.

I cried when I said goodbye to my kitties that day; I felt so bad about their being shut up in my room all the time, about Pippy hitting his head, about George's deviant behavior, and about Sunshine screaming her lungs out down the hall. Pippy noticed my voice was different and gave me an especially inquisitive look, endearing himself to me more than ever and causing the tears to fall even harder.

After I got to Ryan's house I had another good cry on his shoulder, and that was when I realized it wasn't about the cats. It was about my sister, about her leaving for Miami and not appreciating her family or telling me thanks for my help with the wedding. It was about how how the rift between us has grown when it could have so easily gone the other way.

I kept remembering her stupid email after our big fight, and how she wrote "I wish you could be more like [insert name of annoying fellow bridesmaid here]." I thought about how she's spent all of her free time with that friend and none with her family, how condescending and arrogant she's been toward my parents and me lately, and how surprised I was when so many friends at the wedding declared her to be such a sweet person.

My sister is a complete stranger to me, and I don't know how that happened.

It was mostly exhaustion that pushed me to the point of crying, what with all the wedding flurry, the tons of people to talk to, the uncomfortable shoes, the new job, the long hours and the complete lack of down time between trips to and from OK City.

My sister and her fiance left this morning in their moving truck long before I even thought of getting out of bed, so all was quiet here by the time I got back to Tulsa this afternoon. The cats have been calm and happy, which has done wonders for my aching heart and tired brain. I had a lovely nap on the couch with Sunshine, and I'm beginning to recover from one hell of a busy week.

I think I'll dedicate an entire separate entry to thoughts on the new job. For now, I will say it's exhausting and stressful and very difficult, and I think I might love it.

It feels natural, like I'm getting paid to be myself.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!!!

2009-05-23T19:19:00.017-05:00

More fun at the Smith house this weekend...

I got my bridesmaid dress back from having it altered, and it's gorgeous! I got a great pair of shoes at the Goodwill, and my sister gave all the bridesmaids pearl necklaces at the bridal luncheon yesterday. Today I found a matching pair of earrings on clearance at JC Penny. And with that, I'm ready to go!

The fiance arrived late last night while my sister was at her bachelorette party. I was supposed to be at the party too, but I backed out because I got sick of hearing her friend whine and complain about how much money she was spending on alcohol. I spent the evening with my darling nephews instead.

The wedding is one week from today, and the groom's relatives start arriving in a few days. Thank goodness they're not staying here...we have room for Ryan, and then we're maxed out.

Today was a fun-filled family day. My mom got furious with my sister this morning because, after insisting that one of us would have to pick up the fiance from the airport while she was partying, she changed her mind at the last minute. She'd been drinking, so she apparently felt it was better for her friend to call my dad about the change of plans. He was already at the airport, and he was not amused.

Over a late breakfast my dad became especially cantankerous and said things that upset my sister. And that set off my mom again...

This can't be how it's supposed to be. I know a wedding is stressful, but it shouldn't cause this much turmoil.

In other miserable news, I went to the dentist the other morning and had a crown glued back on. Then I had to spend the next fifteen minutes biting down hard on a piece of cotton, which was very painful because of the TMJ disorder. The dentist was with me all of two minutes during the entire visit. Bam--$95.

That afternoon I got a hair cut, which was not only cheaper than the dentist but also more fun. Hair stylists make the best therapists, and mine is especially wonderful because she gives me a scalp massage when she washes my hair. Heaven!

During my visit, I learned she has a friend who's big into animal rescue--in Oklahoma City, no less--and got her to pass on my email address. Furthermore, she (the hair stylist) and her artist husband will be in Oklahoma City this weekend at the Paseo arts festival, and she encouraged us to stop by. Which is pretty nifty since Ryan is considering going back to school to study art and would love to chat up some fellow artists.

Somehow it felt like a sign that I'm going in the right direction, and with the right person.

Then, as she snipped away at my hair, she marvelled at what an eventful year I had: moving home, getting laid off, meeting a wonderful guy, deciding what to do with my life, etc. First, I was amazed she remembered all that. And second, she spoke as if I had actually accomplished something instead of wasting the last few months of my life while collecting unemployment.

"You've probably had more personal growth in one year than most people have in a lifetime," she observed, as my eyes teared up. It was nice, in the midst of my sister's graduation, all-consuming wedding plans and the seemingly endless related events, to have someone focus on ME for a change...even if I was paying her.

Speaking of ME, I'm leaving for Oklahoma City tomorrow and starting my job the next day. When I get back Wednesday or Thursday, I'll be in the middle of a wedding whirlwind, trying to squeeze in as much packing and kitty time as I can between gatherings.

I'm kind of emotional, because when I leave town tomorrow it marks a major turning point in my life...no going back. Soon I'll be working at a new job that's completely different from what I'm used to, and I'll be living in another town, away from my family again but not nearly as far as before.

It'll be really good for me and the kitties to start our new life, but right now my crazy family has me so emotionally exhausted that I don't even have the sense to feel happy.

The History Channel is beginning to dissapoint me.

2009-05-20T00:28:00.003-05:00

If I wanted to listen to a bunch of men cussing at each other in the woods, I could probably find that here.

If I wanted to see Tom Hanks with a really bad hair style, I'd go to the movie theater.

If I wanted to know what happens when inanimate objects are left standing for long periods of time without human interference, I'd check my fridge.

I'm just sayin'.

(To be honest, I have to admit that "Life without People" is pretty interesting as background noise.)

No electronics were harmed in the making of this story.

2009-05-17T23:44:00.007-05:00

My desk is sticky, and every time I think I've cleaned up the mess, I find more. Because when a cat spills a glass of Pepsi, it can take months to find all the sweet, sticky droplets.

I don't know what got into Buster, but he got a burst of aggression this evening and messed with Sunshine. I was at my desk getting some things together for eBay when Sunshine screeched and Buster, apparently fearing for his life, took a flying leap onto my desk and into my drink.

Fortunately, the Pepsi didn't get to my laptop...or my camera...or my merchandise. But it did go under my printer, into a basket of papers and down the back of my PC tower.

I was so furious that after the death threats subsided, everyone got a lecture.

(I know all too well the futility of lecturing cats. But when they just sit there, blinking indifferently at my anger, it really sets me off.)

In other news, I have one week of blissful freedom before starting my new job. The apartment hunt is rather frustrating for a Crazy Cat Lady, but I'm determined to find someone who will give my colony of mischievous felines a place to live.

I've decided (I use the word decided as if I had a choice) to put off moving until a couple of weeks after I start working. Three weeks just wasn't long enough to find something and move--not with all my sister's wedding stuff going on. So I'll sort of commute, staying with Ryan while I'm working and coming home on my days off.

Speaking of wedding stuff, I had the shower today and it went really well. One thing I love to do is delegate, and that helped everything come together nicely. I'm glad it's over, because most everything else we have to do basically requires my showing up...no more planning, at least.

The girls who dropped the ball on planning the shower just sent out invitations to the bachelorette party my sister didn't want to have. After failing to help me with the shower (aside from bringing a bag of ice), they had the nerve to ask me for money to help pay for alcohol. They're out of their damn minds!

They've become so infuriating that I actually cuss in front of my mother when I talk about them.

And she doesn't even scold me.

From Job Hunting to Apartment Hunting

2009-05-11T20:31:00.006-05:00

...and Craigslist is still a fun-filled haven for wackos.

I ran across a post warning people not to rent from a particular landlord, and when I followed the link they provided, I found myself immersed in one man's world of madness.

This guy believes a chip was implanted in one of his teeth...a chip used by communists and his ex-wife to spy on him. Check it out for yourself, but be warned: I spent way too much time trying to make sense of this guy's incoherent rambling. The whole train wreck theory in action, I suppose.

http://toothphone.net/index1.html

There IS room to go more crazy!

2009-05-11T20:05:00.006-05:00

Crazy weekend here at the Smith house...my sister moved in just before her fiance arrived for the weekend, and then Ryan got here, and then my nephews joined us...

My sister's graduation Saturday morning was followed by a huge group lunch at Texas Road House (where I was unable to eat steak due to fucking TMJ disorder and a toothache). Then we had a fun-filled evening helping my sister finish moving out of her apartment.

Somehow we managed to find enough beds for everyone, even with both my sister and me sleeping alone (yeah, you don't want to argue that case with my mom--it's just not worth it!). We had fiances on air mattresses, nephews on cots and spare couches, and too many damn cats in my bedroom.

We rounded off the weekend with a nice Mother's Day lunch with Ryan's mom and sister, and then we came home to find even MORE people congregated at my parents' house: aunts, uncles and cousins visiting my grandma.

Finally, Ryan and I packed his car full of a bunch of my boxes and he headed home.

Last night my mom said, "I hope Ryan doesn't think we're all crazy."

"Well, we can only fool him for so long," I replied.

I'm going Thursday to fill out paperwork for my new job . I start working right after labor day weekend as a receptionist at Banfield, the clinic inside PetSmart. The people I've met there so far--including one of the vets--are very nice and say they're looking forward to having me.

I was fairly certain before I even interviewed that I already had the job, and I don't know if that speaks to how impressive my resume was or how desperate they were for anyone with a pulse and a brain. It doesn't matter, though...they'll love me even more after they know me!

The discounts and benefits there sound really good, and I'm especially looking forward to discounts on veterinary services. I'm not the only one with a toothache...poor George needs attention too, but right after I swore his dental health comes before mine, I broke a damn crown and had to cave in and see a dentist.

Now they're trying to take me for enough money to make a down payment on a house, and in the mean time I'm stuck eating soft foods to avoid excruciating pain. You know, just a little extra excitement to make this crazy month even better.

But I'm still not complaining...!

Gratuitous Swine Flu Joke

2009-05-04T23:56:00.003-05:00

I got a very important email today on how to avoid swine flu, and apparently the key is to NOT do this:

Limbo

2009-05-03T22:49:00.010-05:00

Change is in the air, and I've spent most of the weekend trying not to wait for it.

My sister is moving in Thursday, and I've almost finished clearing out my cats' stuff from her room. Tonight's the first night the boys are staying in my room instead of their own, and everyone is a little confused.

The boys were pretty restless at first, wanting a bedtime snack but not quite knowing where to look for it (everyone's food bowl has been moved in the last week). But Rescue Remedy in the water bowls, and probably the onset of their normal bedtime, eventually had them all passed out. Then Sunshine got antsy.

She's used to her own nightly routine, which includes trips to the food and water bowls and a stop by the litter box as soon as the boys are put to bed. She's tentatively trying to stick with business as usual, and she's staying fairly calm. I think it helps that she has a bed right here under my desk. And that the boys are unconscious.

As for me, I'm glad the weekend gave me some time to let things sink in; I suddenly have a lot to think about.

After last week's interview in OK City, I got a call from the SPCA wanting to meet with me here in Tulsa! I talked with two managers and a board member for almost two hours, and I definitely felt the pull of being needed--not to mention capable. I really enjoyed my time there, and I think I interviewed better than ever.

So now I'm waiting for two job offers, and then I'm off and running. First I'll have to decide on a job...and then, if I go the way I'm leaning, I'll have to start packing and simultaneously looking for an apartment. I'll have to quickly select a date for my sister's shower and start planning it, and then I'll need to get my dress altered. All this before the end of the month.

After so many months of being a bum, all this action is a bit of a shock.

Not that I'm complaining...

Clarification

2009-05-01T18:43:00.009-05:00

When I said well-behaved, I meant "won't attack humans as long as they keep the fuck out."

(Note in the background a teddy bear with its nose ripped off...that's the work of my little Buster.)

Desperation

2009-05-01T12:29:00.001-05:00

Hello,

I'm writing to inquire about the 1BR apartment you advertised on Craigslist. I am expecting a job offer in Oklahoma City and will need to move some time in May, if possible.

Can you tell me where the apartment is located?

Also, I have four cats--all indoor, spayed & neutered, and very well-behaved--and am looking for someone kind enough to rent to me. Do I have a prayer?

Many thanks,
Katy

I Think I Have a Job

2009-04-29T16:38:00.003-05:00

Just finished interviewing for a job in Oklahoma City this afternoon, and the office manager said as long as I pass a drug test, I'm hired. It's no high-paying dream job, but I think it's going to be a great fit for me.

This doesn't mean I won't be broke anymore, but it DOES mean I can move closer to Ryan and get the cats out of my parents' hair. WOO-HOO!

I wish my mother could be a little more encouraging. Sometimes she's sensible to a fault, and her first reaction to my good news was to note what a pain it'll be to move and to wonder aloud how I'm going to pay all my bills plus rent. I wanted to say I don't know how I've ever done it, but that I've always managed to survive...and that worrying has never paid the bills.

I'll tell more about the job when I get the offer...

But for now, Perch is climbing my arms wanting some love, and how can I say no to such a darling orange kitty?

The Wedding Saga Continues...

2009-04-28T12:00:00.003-05:00

It seems my sister and I are talking again...Facebook is good for something, at least.

So I'm now signed up to plan her bridal shower, because the girls who were planning it have gotten way off track with ideas for some sort of bachelorette party instead. I'm pretty irritated with them, as my sister said she didn't want a bachelorette party, and her first shower bombed because of a March blizzard. At this point I guess I'm her only hope for a sensible bridal shower.

I wonder why so many things are going wrong...bridesmaids and groomsmen dropping out, epic March snow, ugly separation between my brother and his wife (with a protection order a la mode), huge falling out with my sister and me, major miscommunication and indecisiveness over bridesmaid dresses and shower plans, church secretary sabotaging all efforts to get counseling and reserve reception space, catering manager in charge of bridal luncheon mysteriously disappearing, groom-to-be fighting with former step-mom over stolen money, our dad furious after finding out from a fellow cop about a recent traffic stop involving my sister, etc...

Are they signs, or are weddings always this difficult?

2009-04-26T12:45:00.003-05:00

"There's not much room to go more crazy"

2009-04-24T22:21:00.010-05:00

These Neko Case lyrics have been running through my head all evening, and for good reason. My sister was here tonight, and my mom and I helped her put together her wedding invitations.

I wish I could find a coherent way to recount some of the discussion that went on, but a.) my fingers hurt from tying little ribbons, b.) I'm mentally exhausted, and c.) there's no sense to be made of it anyway.

My sister's attitude STINKS. She spoke to everyone--my mom, my dad, me and even her fiance over the phone--in short phrases with a monotone, lackluster voice that reflected exhaustion and a complete lack of anything resembling joy or appreciation. That makes me sad.

(For the record, if I am ever heard talking to Ryan the way my sister talks to her fiance, I want to be slapped then and there, no questions asked. Not that it'll ever happen...I adore him too much.)

I'm supposed to be helping to plan a shower--or a bachelorette party, depending on who you talk to and when--but I haven't heard from the bridesmaid in charge and I don't know what the hell is going on. I tried to get some clarification from my sister, but the more she said, the less sense she made. She kept falling back on an argument about trying to be accomodating to everyone, but she certainly wasn't accomodating my mother and me. At this point, I'm at a loss for ways to help.

Her attitude really stinks--oh, did I already say that?

She graduates three weeks before her wedding, and she has to move out of her apartment as soon as the semester ends. Guess where she's staying for those three to four weeks?

She's taking the extra bedroom where I keep my kitty boys at night. So I'm gradually getting them moved into my room with Sunshine and me. The boys are very accustomed to their room, and they are ready to be put to bed every night at 9pm. They thrive on routine! I don't think they'll mind staying with me much at all, but Sunshine is going to be extremely unhappy with that arrangement. Her Majesty so enjoys her time away from the boys.

I'm hoping if I move things in phases--litter boxes, kitty trees and feeding stations--it won't be too much of a shock to anyone. And it's only for a few weeks...then my sister gets married and moves to Miami*, where she'll spend the next year or so living in wedded bliss--or something.

(*That's Miami, FLORIDA for any Okies who might be wondering. It seems to be a point of confusion around here, even though Miam-uh Oklahoma isn't even pronounced the same way...not to mention that no one outside of Oklahoma has ever even heard of it. I'm just sayin'.)

In other news, I have another job interview next week...in Oklahoma City! Furthermore, it's for a full-time job with pay that doesn't make me want to sob in despair. That's all I'm going to say, though...I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, even though it's with a company I've been trying to interview with since I first started my job search.

Not up for complete sentences tonight

2009-04-23T21:54:00.002-05:00

More job interviews this week...one today and another scheduled for tomorrow.

More confused than ever. Realized unemployment pays better than most jobs I've considered thus far.

Have therefore decided not to feel guilty about not taking the first (or second or third) lousy job opportunity to come along.

Continued flux between wanting a job I love and knowing I need a job that pays much better than that.

Considering debt counseling.

Sister moving in weekend after next...need Valium.

From the Bizarre Files

2009-04-22T17:09:00.006-05:00

This was a real attempt by a local reporter to interview a Cranston costume shop owner regarding allegations she'd been cyberstalking a competitor.

Help Wanted to Facilitate Drunk Driving

2009-04-15T15:49:00.003-05:00

Another disturbing ad from the Craigslist archives:

Looking for 1-2 Armed cleet cert. for 11-2 thursday-saturday nights may varie, great pay, hours are really easy, very experinced crew to work with You will need to understand how to handle drunk people and getting them to there cars, helping make sure the parking lot doesnt get double parked or have to much loitering, keep in mind it almost like ababy sitting job 99% of the time but there is always a reason to make great pay for little work not for the weak...... if you are interested please contact me and we will talk more via the phone after contact

Because drunk people need help getting to their cars!

(don't even get me started on the grammar)

Duck Stalking

2009-04-14T21:32:00.010-05:00

I got a pleasant surprise when I finally dragged myself out of the house for some coffee today. Some days are just not Starbucks days, and when I'm not up for the cheerful banter of the drive thru, I go to Quick Trip, where I'm in and out in seconds. Of course, I still go with a Starbucks beverage: Double Shot + Energy in a can...good stuff!

Anyway, when I pulled into the Quick Trip, I was surprised and amused to see a couple of ducks come around the corner of the building. A third one appeared...and then some more...and then some geese. I laughed hysterically as they ran in a herd, sometimes toward the passers-by to beg, and sometimes nervously away from them.

I was laughing so hard I could barely snap a picture.

After getting my coffee, I drove around behind the QT and into the office complex where the ducks had come from. A duck wandered over to check me out and was soon joined by a friend...and then another.

Again, I found myself cracking up. I love the way they waddle, looking both ways as they cross the road, and how they chatter with each other.

For the "Jobs that Suck" Files

2009-04-13T20:04:00.003-05:00

This poor schmuck is out on the side of the road nearly every day, presumably trying to draw customers to the new Firehouse Subs that opened many months ago. I suspect business never has picked up for them.

I guess folks just aren't interested in trying out new sub shops these days. Maybe we spend so much money on our coffee that we can't afford to eat. Maybe we spend so much on cat food that we're forced to buy the cheap beer and stay home.

Some of us have priorities.

Pissing Contest?

2009-04-09T21:38:00.004-05:00

It may be all over for me, folks; this may be the last blog post I ever write.

It's been going on for a couple of months now, the occasional discovery of the horrid cat piss smell in certain choice locations. At first we thought it was my parents' demon cat Precious, who seemed especially concerned about the stray cats hanging out in our yard. Then, several weeks later, George was seen at one stinky site twitching his tail, which was very incriminating even though he and Pip twitch their tails like that all the time and have never been known to spray before.

I took George to the vet immediately and ruled out bladder infection but learned he has a sore tooth I can't afford to get fixed (same goes for the fucking jaw pain I've had for two or three weeks now).

All has been quiet since, though poor George has been a little grumpy about his poor tooth.

But now someone has gone and sprayed cat piss on my dad's recliner.

I am so dead. It doesn't matter that we have no proof of who did it, and it doesn't matter that my dad didn't get overtly pissed about it. First of all, the ratio of my cats to my parents' is four to one; the odds are not in my favor. Second, my dad will not likely forget this. I think he's resigned to the fact that his house is filled with women and cats, that he's seriously outnumbered and ultimately has no say in the matter. But this will likely come out later in some passive-aggressive words, and if I don't stay on my toes it might get ugly.

Or maybe we'll all just sing Kum Ba Yah and feed chicken to the cats.

Sisterhood

2009-04-09T20:41:00.004-05:00

I was very excited to get my very first "award" from fellow blogger Michelle over a week ago, and I've been trying to figure out what to do with it. I'm supposed to pass it on and then refer readers to my chosen recipients, but I don't follow very many blogs these days because I'm too busy not writing and not working and...you get the point.

Anyway, I have two bloggers to nominate, for whatever it's worth to them:

First up is Amy, who in her blog title has has artfully summed up all there is to say on some days. A fellow animal lover, she houses at least three dogs, two cats and a turtle...it's easy to lose track, because she brings home new creatures more often than I do, and she clearly has a very understanding husband. Amy is one of my angels--the kind of person who is always there in the background and always knows just the right thing to say when I'm feeling my lowest. She gets points for being a really cool mom, for loving coffee, and for being a great cook. Also, I give her bonus points for dealing with depression and chronic pain and still managing to put so many positive vibes out into the world.

Second, I nominate Leah, one of my dear former coworkers at The Guide. Leah is a terrific writer, and her sense of humor--sometimes dry, sometimes brash, often self-deprecating, and always super sharp--seriously brightens my days! Her blog coverage of the series "Friday Night Lights," when she covered it for TV Guide, was beautifully done. I never felt like the experience of watching an episode was complete until I'd read her recap. Plus, it's endearing to see her so enamored with anything--particularly a poignant TV show about high school football in Texas. Leah is one of the smartest people I've ever met, and I deeply appreciate how she opens up in her blog when she needs to work through difficult feelings. It takes courage and a lot of insight to spill one's guts like that, but she does it with such finesse that it almost looks easy.

And that's all I've got, people.

Thanks again, Michelle, for the mention. It came at a time when I really needed a boost, and I appreciate all your support via reading and commenting over the years!

spoiled

2009-04-08T16:30:00.011-05:00

Weird stuff happens to me, especially when my car is involved...is it only me?

Like that time a few years ago when someone walked--or ran!-- up the hood of my car and onto the roof, then slipped and fell, leaving a huge dent in the roof. The footprints told the story, but I had a hell of a time explaining to the cops and the insurance adjuster how I knew exactly what happened.

Today I got a car wash to remove all the pollen and dust stuck to my car, and on the way home, as I turned a corner, I heard an awful clatter and saw a flash of charcoal gray tumbling to the curb, sparkling in the sun. I had to pull over and take a look before I figured out what it was...

My fucking spoiler had fallen off.

So I trudged back to pick it up, stuffed it in my now naked-looking trunk, and drove the last couple of blocks home. Hopefully my dad will help me put it back together tonight.

Uh-oh, I just realized I don't remember seeing my antenna anywhere...

Shit!

I almost feel bad for making fun of this person...

2009-04-02T21:56:00.006-05:00

...but I'm doing it anyway. Today's featured Craigslist ad:

Young LADYS needed NOW !! $$$$ (Checotah,OK)

I need 2 young Lady's to give massages, Excellent pay, meet new people, Fun Job Will train right person. This is NOT a prosition ring, Will not be tolarted, HURRY !!!!! Soft Touch Massage, Call 918-***-**** AFTER 9:00 AM to 2:00 PM

Please tell me I'm adopted.

2009-04-01T23:00:00.014-05:00

A few select reasons my family is driving me batty:

My sister, as I may have mentioned, has been wandering around with her head up her ass for the last few months, doing whatever she feels like at the moment without regard to anyone else's needs or feelings, usually while exasperated people wait for her to show up wherever she's supposed to be.

Last Saturday there was a bridal shower for her at the church. The occasion was marked by a big, sloppy, wet blizzard, which was more than a little annoying and had a negative impact on the attendance. After the shower we were having barbecue and a surprise birthday cake for my sister at my parents' house. We all had stops to make on the way home, so my mom said it wouldn't be a problem if my sister and her fiance made a stop too.

I don't think she meant for them to leave us waiting, exasperated and hungry, for two fucking hours while she shopped for a cell phone across town.

My brother was among the waiting, starving family members, but notably absent were his wife and kids. He's moved out of their house, and she says she plans to file for divorce. I can't get into any more detail than that, but I can say divorce sucks for everyone involved...especially the kids. No one stops to think about how they feel until the damage is already done--if then.

It physically sickens me to see this happening to my nephews. It's not fair, and I'm really angry. But I don't know who to blame.

So I get frustrated with my mom, who has been losing sleep worrying about my sister's wedding and my brother's rights as a father and husband. She keeps declaring that she doesn't understand why everything is going wrong.

Because it snowed like hell on the day of my sister's shower, and because my brother's potential divorce is going to ruin the wedding. And because my sister and I still haven't really made up, and I'm trying to help plan a shower for her even though my heart's not in it at all.

I'm not the only one who's frustrated. Tonight I heard my Mom trying to reason with my Grandma Iva, who has Alzheimer's.

"No, you can't stand up by yourself," my mom argued. "If you could, I wouldn't have to come in here and put you in bed every night."

I heard Grandma's voice arguing back, faintly.

"Then show me. If you can stand up, I want to see it. You haven't been able to get out of that wheelchair for five years!"

They're driving each other nuts, and I cannot imagine how my mom copes with being a full-time caretaker. The physical responsibility alone is overwhelming, and I have to admit I can't handle it myself. Maybe I'm a horrible daughter/granddaughter, but I just can't deal with it.

And of course, I'm beating myself up for not being happy about my sister's wedding activities, because I'm still disgusted and furious with her...and every time I start to get over it, she does something else absurdly inconsiderate and I just want to spank her like a little child.

Let's not leave out my dad, who--though he's not doing anything new or different--always makes his contributions to the family discontentment. He was in an especially foul mood tonight, and he left for church cussing and threatening to tell off anyone who so much as looked at him funny during rehearsal for the Easter program.

Also, Sunshine puked on my favorite blanket the other day. Not cool.

I Love a Rainy Night

2009-03-30T23:16:00.006-05:00

It's inevitable this time of year, with all the storms and potential for storms...I'm getting pensive.

The good news is that my introspective moods can lead to good writing; the bad news is that I get so caught up in thinking that I'm too occupied to write. Hopefully I'll eventually sort my scattered thoughts into some well thought out (and hopefully coherent) blog posts.

You know, something other than "job hunting sucks" and "I'm really not a loser, just a misunderstood Cat Wrangler."

But for now I'm listening to the rain fall outside my windows and seeing how much damage I can do to a bottle of wine.

So far, so good!

What Next?

2009-03-26T21:05:00.004-05:00

I know Oklahoma is notorious for its crazy weather, but it's about to get of hand. This morning we had a nice rain with thunder and some dime-sized hail...perfectly acceptable for this time of year, and welcome as we've been under a burn ban.

But this weekend...winter storm watch.

Can't we just stick with the normal spring tornadoes and leave well enough alone?

I took George in to have his bladder checked today. Apparently he was spotted at the scene of the crime just before a spraying incident occurred. Twice. Hopefully this isn't a behavior issue; I'll find out tomorrow if he has any kind of bladder infection.

(Because, as we cat people know, that's the first thing to check for when deviant potty behavior arises.)

I take my kids to a vet that treats only cats, just like I did in PA. So I'm somewhat accustomed to state-of-the-art cat medicine...I've even taken George to a chiropractor. But I was astounded today when the tech took George's blood pressure:

She actually took out a little bitty arm band and wrapped it around his front leg.

How adorable is that?

More of the Same

2009-03-26T00:03:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted in a while because there hasn't been anything new to say. Job hunting still sucks, depression still comes and goes but rarely gets the best of me, and afternoon naps have become part of my daily routine. My sister and I still don't really talk, and I don't think that bothers her.

Craigslist is still a feeding ground for soulless parasites, and the so-called legitimate job search sites aren't any better.

I never heard from the Humane Society after my interview a couple of weeks ago, and that's disappointing and irritating. But maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Things changed a bit today, though, and I got two phone calls indicating a couple of job offers MIGHT be on my horizon. One call was regarding a veterinary receptionist position, and I'm not very inclined to pursue that one. The other call, though, was from the temp agency with a potential assignment that sounds like a much sweeter deal; the pay is better, and it's only a short-term contract job. Hopefully I'll hear something by Monday...

Tomorrow I'm spending the day with my nephew Charlie, so it should be a fun-filled and exhausting day!

Heartstopper

2009-03-11T22:01:00.001-05:00

this is me being dramatic

2009-03-11T21:12:00.008-05:00

This has been the most incredibly overwhelming day...very unproductive, lots of time spent pacing, spacing, and sleeping off my anxiety.

I had the best interview ever this afternoon, with a well-known rescue organization here in Tulsa. I'd responded to an ad for a pet adoption counselor, but that spot was already filled. The woman who emailed me (I had no idea what her position was) said another spot might open up soon. I told her what kind of pay I was hoping for (ideally), and by some miracle she emailed me again instead of chucking my resume in the trash.

After I assured her I was still interested in spite of the pay, she invited me for an interview. I didn't know anything about the position I'd be interviewing for, and I didn't know who I'd be talking to either.

The interview was at 3:30 today, and by 2:00 I was all ready to go. Nerve-wracking!

Turns out the lady I met with was the founder, and the position we talked about doesn't exist yet. However, she liked my resume and wanted to see if I'd be interested in a PR job, provided she gets approval for it. She was planning to discuss it with the board of directors tonight.

I think she liked me...I'm pretty sure I held up well when she questioned me about how much thought I've given to leaving the corporate world for animal rescue. The idea of public speaking terrifies me, and I think that concerned her a bit. But, if I read her correctly, I don't think she had ruled out the possibility of taking a chance on me.

I haven't been able to concentrate on anything today. I don't know if I'm excited, or hopeful, or terrified, or just completely dumbstruck. "How do you feel about television?" as an interview question is one I'm familiar with from TV Guide, but it was completely shocking in the context of this particular interview. I believe she was referring to things like taking a dog or cat on a local news show, which really isn't that scary if I think about clutching a helpless animal for dear life the whole time.

Oh, I forgot to mention we spent the entire interview shouting over barking dogs...kick ass!

This evening I found out things aren't going well with my brother and his wife (my two nephews' parents), and that news isn't sitting well with me. I don't want to go into detail, and there's nothing I can do about it...so I'm just processing information and trying not to freak out.

This would be a good time to stay up all night drinking beer and eating M&Ms, but unfortunately I'm out of both.

p.s. There's no excuse for my typing tonight. I've already caught at least a dozen ridiculous typos, and I suspect there are many more. Let's just cut me some slack today, okay?

Chasing My Tail

2009-03-09T20:48:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling pretty optimistic about the job hunt for the last few days, but my thoughts are starting to swirl and I'm getting discouraged again.

It's all so overwhelming, but the simple truth is that I want a job that I love AND I want to work with animals AND I want to move to Oklahoma City AND I want all of the above sooner rather than later.

I wish things would just fall into place, already.

This is what Craigslist does to me - it's depression inducing. It has given me a few good job leads, but mostly it just reminds me how many ignorant people there are in the world, how few people can put together a coherent sentence, and how desperate everyone is these days.

Okay, break time. I need to entertain myelf or something.

Fuck job searching!

now, that's just sad

2009-03-09T20:18:00.005-05:00

Maybe I should hire myself out to write employment ads for people...because, honestly, most of the ones I see are terribly written. For example, this just sounds like a sorry-ass job:

Successful candidate must be prepared to work Monday thru Friday 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., without formal breaks and with occasional weekends and evenings. No benefits available.

That's not the entirety of the ad...but it's where I stopped reading!

through dark hallways with no end

2009-03-09T14:21:00.005-05:00

"I had to move your car this morning, and when I started it, the most awful music came on..."
--Mom

Maybe I'm cracked, but this song makes me happy!

Captive - Liz Durrett

sometimes Craigslist reminds me how much worse life could be...

2009-03-07T22:59:00.005-06:00

Volunteer Goat Helpers

Looking for a couple volunteers to do farm work and help worm goats. Get hands on experience and make yourself proud to contribute your time and effort.

aimless wandering

2009-03-07T21:38:00.016-06:00

I've really been in a funk today. It's been chasing me down for a while, and it finally caught up with me: all kinds of aches and pains, and a pitiful feeling that I don't want to do anything because...well, what's the point?

I hate that--depression is such a fickle bitch.

In my job searching endeavors this past week, it occurred to me that at the end of this month I'll have been back in Tulsa for a year. A year! How did that happen?

And why does that depress me? I really am fairly happy with my life. Living with my parents hasn't exactly filled me with joy, but it eliminates so many financial burdens. When I came home, I left behind all kinds of responsibilities that were really weighing me down.

Aha - maybe that's it. I miss working hard. I miss being an expert at what I do and being the one people come to for answers. For the last six months, I haven't been an expert at anything but loafing. And, while loafing definitely has its merits, it's not very rewarding.

I want to work; I want to be needed.

The last week has been pretty intense, as I realized I need to get a job SOON. I've had two interviews, and both of them were weird. I don't know what I expected, really--temp work and kennel jobs don't require a lot of personal or intellectual scrutiny, I guess.

The interview with the doggy daycare was especially unsettling. First, the lady who contacted me wasn't expecting me when I got there, and her partner couldn't remember my name. When they finally came to the front office, they chatted with each other for a few minutes before finally taking me to their "detached office," which turned out to be a Subway shop at the end of the back alley.

In all, the actual interview lasted about ten minutes, and they probably asked me two questions. I definitely don't think they're going to offer me a job, and if they do I'm going to turn it down. Because in the course of the "interview" I realized how completely inexperienced and unqualified I am to manage even one dog...not to mention dozens at once!

And that's okay...this realization gives me some direction. I need to either get a volunteer job to get some experience handling dogs, or I need to focus on my area of expertise: cats.

The interview with the temp agency was a bit of a letdown too, although I can understand why that process is so shallow. The temporary nature of the business itself probably doesn't foster much teamwork or personal introspection. I hadn't thought about that before the interview. I can type, I can add, and I can spell. That's about all they need from me.

But a temp job is a good option for me right now, because I'm not willing to commit to anything long-term here in Tulsa, and I don't want to end up stuck in a cubicle. It's just something to get some income until I find what I'm looking for.

And what I'm looking for is a rewarding job that hopefully involves crawling on the ground with furry creatures...preferably in Oklahoma City. I want something that has meaning, and I want relationships with coworkers. Is that too much to ask?

That's what I miss the most from TV Guide...the relationships. I wasn't extremely close with very many people there, but I had the best team ever and they inspired me. Their work ethic was exceptional, and they were FUN. They had some serious spunk; that was what kept me coming back for so long. I miss those crazy internationals!

Now I'm just getting sappy and whiny. But I don't think there's supposed to be a point to any of this, except that I'm trying to write my way out of a funk.

However, if I were to try and sum it all up, I think I'd have to say the job angst of this last week has just taken a toll on me. I basically went from not job hunting at all to desperately trying to find a job NOW. I got into a panic for a while, and all the gloom and doom over the economy fed that anxiety a little too much.

I just need to take some deep breaths and appreciate what I have. Like my kitty cats, and the love of a seriously awesome guy. And the fact that I don't work at TV Guide anymore...kickass coworkers aside, that job was killing my soul.

Things are looking up. The clouds that dampened my day are supposed to develop into thunderstorms tonight, and that means it won't be long before I'm wakened by tornado sirens in the middle of the night. Call me weird, but I love tornado season.

Hurricane - Mindy Smith

I freaking love this commercial!

2009-03-07T19:10:00.003-06:00

...because that's how I roll

2009-03-05T12:31:00.014-06:00

you were sewn together with a tapestry of molecules

a billion baby galaxies and wide open spaces

everything you need is here

everything you fear is here

and it's holding you up

it just keeps holding you up

Getting ready for my job interview this morning was far less gut-wrenching than yesterday's push to get out of the house. I woke to my alarm, which I haven't done in months.

Actually, that's not quite correct. I didn't really sleep last night, so I was mostly awake when the alarm went off.

Anyway, having an appointment time helped kick me into gear, and I confidently dressed and slapped on some makeup. Never mind that the makeup looked terrible again; I've realized it's not actually the makeup, but my complexion, which has gone haywire. And, please, never mind that I later found a hole in my (very pretty) thrift store blouse and learned there was still a spare button in a plastic bag attached to the inside of my brand new slacks. At least no one else knew.

I allowed time to stop for coffee, and I even arrived early (que te calles, Eric).

I had to drive past TV Guide on my way there, and that was a little weird/sad. But somehow it also gave me a boost in confidence, seeing that building where I spent so many years of my life.

As for the interview, the tests were excruciating at first--I didn't expect so much math, with decimals and fractions to boot! I didn't use the calculator they provided, partly because I wasn't sure I was supposed to (then, dummy, why was it there?) and partly to satisfy my ego.

Eventually it moved on to spelling and grammar, and that was a breeze. Most of the tests were a breeze, in fact, and I was told my scores were exceptional.

So now I'm officially available for temp work.

Also, tomorrow I have an interview at a doggie daycare. The pay is shit, but it could be fun!

I'm feeling much more Zen today, and I'm going to slow up on the frantic resume-sending. I might even watch a few more episodes of The Sopranos; I just borrowed the first season from Ryan, and I intend to watch the whole series. I think I deserve a reward today.

Hmm...Zen...Sopranos? I don't know.

Anyway, I've also decided to listen to the brilliant words of wisdom I gave Eric last night:

"They'll be glad they hired you, whenever they do...whoever they are."

No One Said It Would Be Easy - Cloud Cult

More Adventures of the Jobless Cat Lady

2009-03-04T23:13:00.004-06:00

I've applied for about 10 jobs since my outing earlier today...and several of them are veterinary or otherwise animal-related jobs. So my dreams of becoming a shit-shoveling, cat-wrangling, dog-slobber-covered, horse-trodden crazy cat lady are not entirely dead!

I'm trying not to be nervous about interviewing with the temp agency tomorrow. Surely they'll see that anyone would be damn lucky to hire me.

It got really warm here today and will be even warmer tomorrow. I have the windows cracked, but it's stuffy in my bedroom and I sense a restless night coming on...

this is so much worse than online dating

2009-03-04T13:45:00.004-06:00

This was me this morning as I got ready to go out job hunting:

My face was all broken out, as usual. My makeup looked like it was done by a twelve-year-old, or by someone never wears makeup anymore because she doesn't have a job. My hair had static in it. My clothes looked nice (thrift store finds, thank you very much), but they felt completely unnatural. I wanted to stay home and sob.

But I forced myself to descend the stairs, slowly, gripping the handrail and tiptoeing in my high-heeled boots. I felt like a fool. My mom smiled and complemented my thrift store clothes, and I staggered out the door.

This is me now:

"Whew!"

I put in one application and brought home three more. I also have an interview tomorrow with a temp agency. And, in a few minutes I'll be back to applying for jobs online.

It appears my dream of becoming a cat wrangler may have to wait a bit longer, as I've reached a point where I can no longer afford to hold out for the ideal job. So I'm looking for a job, period.

I've sold two men's shirts on ebay, but I screwed up on the first one and may have to cancel the sale. I have tons more stuff to list, but the pesky job search is taking priority at the moment and my career as an ebay entrepreneur is off to a very slow start.

But I have coffee, I have my laptop (have I ever mentioned how much I adore my laptop?) and I have my cats.

Life is good, and I no longer feel the urge to sob.

If you happen to run into the Job Fairy, could you tell her I need to see her?

2009-02-25T23:16:00.007-06:00

I'm just going with a few random thoughts today...

Who's really the bad guy in "Lost?"

On toilet-training cats...what if they like to drink from the toilet?

I hope cranberry-pomegranate juice and detox tea can ward off a bladder infection, because I don't have health insurance. Oh, and can I still drink beer?

How the hell can I prove I'm worth hiring if I have so much trouble just navigating the damn job search websites?

And finally, today's featured job posting...an oportunity to "run off and join the circus," which I've joked about for years:

Magicians Assistant

Seeking female Magicians assistant. Must be 5 feet 7 inches or shorter, small or medium build. You will assist the magician on stage IE: Disappearing, cut in half etc. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This position requires being on tour. The magic show performs 5 days per week. You need to look good and be able to have fun on stage. We perform all over the country. You will see all kinds of venues. We have a lot of fun. We set up and tear down one time a week and travel one to two days per week to the next show. When the show is not being performed you will assist in caring for the baby tigers and other animals, waiting on customers and helping prepare the stage for the show.

This one is only slightly less demeaning than yesterday's ad (which I'm happy to say was flagged and removed), but it does involve playing with baby tigers!

(By the way, I found this in the non-profit jobs section.)

Clearly, in some small minds it's still a man's world.

2009-02-24T09:59:00.006-06:00

I ran across this enticing ad on Craigslist this morning:

Office girl needed (Spanish?) (edmond)

Looking for a girl to ride in the truck and help with paperwork for construction company. Pay is 8 an hour under the table with meals included. We will be talking to customers so cute and neat appearance is necessary. If you are bilingual that is huge plus and more money can be negotiated. Please respond with a small bio about yourself. Looking to hire asap.

George

Dear George,

I hope you get busted for being stupid enough to advertise your tax evasion and discrimination policies. And good luck finding your eight-dollar whore...I hope she's worth every penny.

p.s. You're an asshole.

they haunt my dreams

2009-02-20T11:00:00.013-06:00

I just spent a large part of my night chasing cats in my dreams.

All three of my boys were running loose...in crowds, in traffic, in buildings where they didn't belong. They knew I was after them and were defiantly avoiding me because the little mama's boys had suddenly discovered their wild sides.

I eventually managed to capture Buster on some stairs (he's not too bright and was easy to fool), and then I scruffed Pippy through a fence and desperately restrained him. Finally, I caught George sleeping and tackled him with my whole body.

Just when I had them all corralled, I turned around to find the door hanging open. And we were off again...

I woke up exhausted this morning. I'm almost convinced cats have a supernatural ability to invade the human mind...but why are they doing this to me?

success IS the only option, right?

2009-02-19T13:28:00.003-06:00

I just sent resumes to three more places, one of which could be the job of my dreams. It's a large no-kill animal sanctuary in Edmond, OK, and I've been too nervous to contact them until now. Because if they don't want me, all my dreams could be smashed to pieces!

Okay, I know that's a bit dramatic. But I have been shaking ever since I hit the send button, and I needed to vent.

It's clear why I've put off looking for a job until now: it's highly nerve-wracking! But hopefully getting started was the hardest part; surely this won't be the death of me.

I need to stop reading so many books and other advice on cover letters and interviews...all the different (and sometimes conflicting) rules have me so overwhelmed I'm practicallly paralyzed. I think the only way I can survive this is to relax, be myself and kick ass in the way only I can.

Oh, I need a thrifting fix to calm my nerves...

2009-02-18T23:27:00.003-06:00

I've been meaning to mention that Ryan recently started a blog...he may have gotten me hooked on thrifting, but I got him hooked on Starbucks and blogging!

I highly recommend a recent post in which he showcases a video I took of his cats, Perch and Mary Hartman. Included are a few samples of my wide range of giggling noises and, near the end, a demonstration of Perch's patented three-foot defense move. Note how Mary Hartman hardly moves during the whole encounter. At the end, I swear she's just messing with Perch's head...

And then there's the video of the delightful cell phone guy we saw working a street corner one weekend.

Show Ryan some blogger love if you get a chance, will you?

goodwill hunting

2009-02-18T22:51:00.012-06:00

I have a new addiction: thrift store shopping. Lately I can't seem to go a day without it and, as I'm still unemployed, I have plenty of time. Ryan got me hooked, and he's been sharing all his knowledge about selling clothes on ebay. So that's what I do these days...I buy clothes I'll never wear and hope to make money selling them to someone who will. Hope is the operative word at this point...I have the shopping part pretty well figured out, but I have yet to make myself sit still and concentrate long enough to list some stuff on ebay.

Today, for some reason, was a great day. My thrifting ventures were fruitless, but the weather was gorgeous. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and the temp was mild. At one point I found myself driving around with the sunroof open, sipping Pepsi and eating beef jerky and singing along to a Toni Braxton song I'd forgotten ever existed. This was when I realized that-- without even leaving town--I had managed to step outside of the family stress and the unemployment angst and was feeling quite content.

I really need to get a job, though. The money will run out soon, and besides that I'm anxious to move to OKC so I can spend time with Ryan without abandoning my cats.

Tonight I applied for two jobs, and I have another one or two on deck for tomorrow. Let me tell you, openings for cat wrangling gigs are few and far between!

But, as Eminem says, success is my only motherfucking option.

Otherwise, I have to keep living with my parents.

I finally broke down and emailed my sister over the weekend, and she responded with a stream of nonsense that somehow nearly convinced me I'm the crazy one. That's what she does, and that's why it's pointless to argue with her. It's also why she'll probably be a decent lawyer.

She did admit to being belligerent and offered a feeble apology, but that was buried in a bunch of accusations that I am hateful and resentful and that my lack of excitement about her wedding makes her uncomfortable. Whatever.

It all just proves my sister doesn't know me at all...not only did she have NO CLUE (nor did she ask) what I thought about anything the day she went off the deep end, but she's also surprised that I'm not excited about a wedding. Since when do I get excited about weddings?

So I guess she wins...if it's possible for anyone to win here. She's too stubborn and out of touch for me to get through to her, and I don't want to let this crap interfere with her wedding or ruin what little bit of a relationship we have.

But, God help me, I've got to move out of here before she graduates, because I think she's planning to live at my parents' house for the month leading up to the wedding!

My Happy Place

2009-02-06T11:56:00.004-06:00

Ah, being 100 miles away from my family (and right next to my man) does wonders for my soul. I woke early this morning to find my left leg pinned down by orange tabbies--one between my knees and one at my left side. I'm insanely fond of orange tabbies in general, and I adore Perch and Mary Hartman in particular...so I took their cuddling as an omen that this will be a good day.

So far I've showered, done two loads of laundry, paid my bills and put together a rolling clothes rack for Ryan.

People, I normally haven't even brushed my teeth by this time of day.

I'm still mad at my sister, and she still hasn't called with the apology I know I won't get. Until I hear otherwise, I'm going on the assumption that I'm still out of the wedding, and I'm not concerning myself with any of the planning. I'm damn sure not cramming myself into any more dresses or contraptions that go under them!

I don't think she has any idea how hurt I am, or that I didn't have the evil intentions she attributed to me the other day. I should try to explain eventually, but I'm kind of waiting for her to initiate contact. And I don't want an explanation of why she acted like such a psycho; I want an apology.

I know I'm being stubborn, and a part of me does want to make up with her just because her wedding's involved and I don't want a big fight to mar the memory of it. But she went too far this time, and all I can think about is a lifetime of similar events leading up to this one. I don't want to punish her, but I don't want to deal with her right now either.

Anyway, that's all a hundred miles away right now. The weather is beautiful, I'm caffeinated and Ryan is on his way home from work.

It's a good day.

More Whining

2009-02-04T12:39:00.009-06:00

I feel like I've been through a breakup. It seems like nearly everything I look at reminds me of something that makes me sad.

When I got up this morning and went downstairs, my mom was on the phone with one of the ladies helping with the wedding planning. No definite resolution yet on the dresses, apparently...and I don't know if it matters as far as I'm concerned anyway.

My mom and I discussed undergarment options, body parts*, tattoos** and other supposed dress-fitting matters, and she said "I think you'll need to have your dress hemmed."

A painful silence followed, until my mom finally said the words.

"...If you're still in the wedding."

This event is definitely going down in family history, and there may be a never-ending debate as to whether or not I'm a diva who made choosing the bridesmaids' dresses impossible. This is so much worse than the time my sister punched me because I caught the bouquet at my cousin's wedding.***

*It would seem we're expected to hide our "girls" as if we're ashamed of them, but some of us bustier girls know they can't be hidden and are happy to work with what we've got. No shame there. I mean, what are we supposed to do, cut them off? Shi-it.

**See above, minus Mother Nature's role in creating this particular asset.

***I did catch it, but she claims I took it from her.

Hanging in Limbo

2009-02-03T22:43:00.006-06:00

I think I have some sort of PTSD.

I've calmed down since my last post, but it doesn't feel any better. I'm really upset that my sister's upset. This is where the guilt tries to kick in and make me wonder if I could have been a tad more compassionate or something.

After all, the girl's under major stress. She's trying to finish her last semester of college, get into law school, plan a wedding and hold down a job plus several baby-sitting gigs. She's trying to do too much, and it's no wonder she freaked out.

But it's still not my fault, and there's not a lot I can do about it. I suppose I could swallow my pride and call to see if she's okay. But I'm not ready for that yet.

Ryan is so great to talk to about these things, and not just because he always takes my side. I got all mushy talking to him on the phone earlier...he was having a stressful day too, and he kept it to himself for a while because I needed his rational voice. But I could hear the weariness, and I was relieved when he unloaded too. We have a way of talking things through--on both sides--that I've never experienced before.

I suppose it's a little early to say we never fight...but we certainly communicate well.

Tonight, as usual, I'm finding it hard to focus on job-related things. I'm accepting that my family's immediate proximity is simply not good for the job-hunter in me. If it's not one of my parents shaming me, it's one of my nephews tempting me to play, or some other family affair that I'm all too quick to jump into. I need to get a little distance between them and me.

I want to run away, and that's all I can think about tonight. I miss Ryan, and I want to go cry on his shoulder. But something won't let me go just yet.

I'll see him in a couple of days, but in the mean time I need to work within the current circumstances instead of hiding from them. Running away can only prolong this state of limbo I'm in.

Bridezilla Lives

2009-02-03T14:07:00.016-06:00

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS SUPERFICIAL TOPICS AND EXCESSIVE FAMILY DRAMA.

I'd heard of the bridezilla phenomenon before, and I believed it was possible...but somehow I never thought it would affect me.

Alas, my sister has lost every last shred of her sanity, and we've just had a family meltdown that started at David's Bridal and ended in my parents' living room. All over bridesmaid dresses!

She's always been this way--prone to hysteria and out-of-control drama. And she's always viciously resented me for being the older sister (the older sister, I might add, who always got stuck babysitting her mean little ass). So naturally, everything that went wrong today was somehow my fault.

We were making final decisions on the dresses; I was the last one to try them on, and it took me a few tries to get the exact size and style that worked for me. That's when my mom decided to tell my sister that she and several other ladies (none of whom are bridesmaids) were concerned about the clingy fabric.

My sister didn't freak out immediately, just seemed to start considering other options. She had to leave to run a quick errand, so I scrambled around looking for similar dresses and tried them on as fast as I could while she was gone. My plan was to present her with some options when she returned. But instead, to my dismay, she came at me with another armful of dresses. I was exhausted by this time, and I could see my sister getting into that state of mind where she can't be reasoned with.

About this time my mom had to run home to meet my grandma's nurse, so she left us at the store with no car. She was hesitant to leave, but she had to. And I couldn't go because I was up to my neck in taffeta. I asked her to come back as soon as possible.

I tried to talk to my sister about the dresses I'd picked out, and she wouldn't listen. So I told her I couldn't talk to her when she was upset, that I was really tired, and that we should do this later.

She insisted that we were going to make a decision then and there, and I calmly told her I was through trying on dresses. She asked me why I couldn't just go along with the dress she had chosen, and I reminded her I wasn't the one who had a problem with it. She asked why I was being so difficult, and I maintained that I hadn't done anything wrong. She said she didn't understand why I was being so bitchy, and I told her I was not going to argue with her. She declared me no longer a bridesmaid.

Then we sat, stewing, texting and waiting for my mom to return. The poor sales ladies went about their business, tip-toeing carefully around us. They were infinitely wise not to get involved.

I don't know how I kept my cool, but it worked so well I couldn't even get mad or cry after we got home. I locked myself in my room while my sister and my mom continued to argue...until my sister said "screw you..." and was told to leave.

I'm not trying to be a martyr here, but I'm recovering from some sort of stomach flu and don't have the strength to deal with this shit. And even if I did, my family is not capable of handling this kind of meltdown. They just feed off each other, getting madder and madder until they start saying things they don't mean and it gets really ugly.

I won't do that anymore. Not even when I'm at the top of my game.

I'm no saint, and I don't claim to be the perfect sister. But I am genuinely trying to help with this wedding and don't deserve the abuse. This is the second time in two weeks my sister has called me some variation of "bitch," and I don't care how stressful weddings are; that's out of line.

If she wants to talk to me after she calms down, I'll talk to her--if I'm ready.

But I won't fight.

a little advice for bridesmaids

2009-02-02T20:25:00.022-06:00

It's never a good idea to go shopping for a bridesmaid dress alone.

It may seem like a good idea, especially if your sister (the bride) is driving you crazy, your mom is worried that the most recently selected dress is too clingy for the girls with hips and boobs, and you just want to prepare for the next fitting by trying on one or two dresses in peace and quiet.

But it's not a good idea.

Because the sales girl might stick you in a fitting room with no mirror inside, requiring you to step outside before the damn dress is fully zipped and before you're even sure whether your boobs are sufficiently contained.

And there might be a guy sitting right across from your fitting room, talking loudly to his girlfriend in another fitting room but also keeping an eye out for whatever there is to see.

The sales girl might hand you one of those nifty squeeze-in-your-stomach and push-your-boobs-up bra-things and say "Let me know if you need help with that" just before disappearing.

There's no maybe about it: you can't put one of those things on by yourself. It's not humanly possible.

Besides, the guy outside your fitting room might have perked up and listened a little too eagerly when the sales girl asked for your bra size, causing you to get a little flustered and accidentally request a smaller size than you actually need.

And you might not be able to ask for help with the bra-thing, because you might already be undressed and if you so much as crack the fitting room door, that guy across from you might see everything your mama gave you.

And the sales girl might not to come back to check on you at all.

In the end, you'll realize that you need your sister, who's become an expert at cramming girls into dresses. And trust me, all the cramming is worth it in the end.

I'm just sayin'.

Notes on an Oklahoma Turnpike

2009-01-29T20:01:00.017-06:00

oh heavenly day
all the clouds blew away
got no trouble today with anyone

the smile on your face
i live only to see
it's enough for me, baby
it's enough for me

After being cooped up for three days, it was great to get out and drive today. On the way from OK City back to Tulsa, I paid more attention to my surroundings than usual. For a moment I wished Ryan was with me to capture some of the delicious details on camera (he's great at that), but then I remembered I too can capture those images...with words.

So I looked around and took note of some of the things that make Oklahoma so special to me:

The way the turnpike, long and straight, cuts through the rolling landscape of brown grass....the grooves made by mowers on the side of the highway, filled with snow and forming patterns of white lines---both curved and straight---in the dead grass.

The clusters of trees, many broken at their tops by heavy ice accumulation...the snapped branches hanging down at strange, unnatural angles...these are the remnants of a devastating ice storm that hit over a year ago, and it's become a sort of trademark of Oklahoma trees.

The starkness of raised bits of red dirt against white snow...black cows against the snowy brown-and-white landscape...a dirt road turned solid white, curving through muddy hills.

The way you can top a hill and suddenly see for miles and miles.

The blue sky that seems to go on forever.

That all helped the drive pass pretty quickly, and it also made me grateful all over again to be home.

I'm Still Here

2009-01-28T15:13:00.009-06:00

I've been on a bit of a hiatus lately, I guess. It doesn't take long for subjects like family dysfunction and unemployment angst to get old, and that's all I've had on my mind---well, except for being all mushy and in love, which can get equally old (for readers, but not for me!).

Plus I went through a few days of being so stressed out and freaked out that I wasn't good for much of anything. I haven't been returning phone calls or answering emails. But I think I'm getting a grip on things again now.

My parents seem to have backed off a bit, and it helps that I've been at Ryan's house since Sunday. Unfortunately, the icy weather didn't allow for the job-hunting I wanted to do, so I've been playing housewife instead. (Doesn't sleeping in, watching talk shows and surfing the web count, if I also wash a couple of dishes and clean the litter boxes?)

My little orange kitty friend Perch is excellent company while Ryan's at work. She can usually be found in my lap, in my face or following me from room to room, and I find her ridiculously, irresistibly adorable.

As far as snide comments go, my sister was all too happy to fill in while my parents took a break last week. Something about how I said her cat's biting habit is unacceptable (it IS, and it hurts like f***!) launched her into an absurd tirade about how at least her cat isn't boring like mine, who hide all the time and cry for their Mommy.

(For the record, my cats never bite or scratch people. But they are absolutely terrified of my sister, because there's nothing gentle about her and she's not an animal person at all. That's part of the reason her cat bites, I imagine. I'm just sayin'.)

Making fun of my cats, really? That's just stupid. Still, it pissed me off and I had to leave the room so things wouldn't get uglier. To my surprise, my parents came to my defense---after I left the room!

Anyway, that was last week, and I'm over it.

So that's about all that's going on here. I'm snowed in (iced in?) and loving it, although I'm starting to get a little stir crazy. I've got nothing else of consequence to write about, but Lost is on tonight and for that I am filled with joy.

you say you don't think I'm doing the right thing...

2009-01-19T19:31:00.013-06:00

Wedding planning is exhausting...especially when it's my sister's wedding that's being planned. Today she and Mom and I visited the bakery, the florist and the party rental place, and at the end of the day I didn't have any more of an idea what she has in mind than I did when we started out. I think she has a lot of it worked out in her head, and my mom has a bunch of lists going. As for me, though, I couldn't feel more disconnected.

It's not only that my sister and I have completely different taste, or that trying to communicate with her is as exhausting and futile as watching a NASCAR race on TV. This wedding stuff is just completely foreign to me, and I don't feel like I'm helping at all.

This evening as my mom and I discussed plans for the reception (which will be at my parents' church), I said I couldn't picture the room or get a feel for the layout of the tables. This was a perfect opening for one of my dad's snide comments:

"Well, there are a lot of people in that church who probably don't remember what you look like, either!"

I try to let things like this slide off my back, but they've been wearing me down lately and this time I took the bait. I declared that I don't want to attend their church, and this immediately led to a debate.

"Just because the pastor made one comment..." Mom began, referring to some unsolicited advice to get rid of my cats, find a husband and start having "real" babies. There's more to it than that, and I began to explain some of my other reasons.

"That's not the point," Mom persisted. "If you really wanted to go to church, you'd go somewhere." I eventually realized what was happening and wondered how the conversation had taken this turn. Weren't we supposed to be talking about my sister?

Ugh. Like I said, they've been wearing me down. Yesterday it was my dad saying "Well, if you were ever here..."

And last week while I was talking to my sister, he piped in with "Well get a job, then." I told him I plan to, and he asked when.

"When I do," I replied. He left it at that, but by then the conversation with my sister had been derailed, as her attention span is too short to withstand such interruptions.

It's like when I decided to move in with my parents, I willingly stepped into a pit of quicksand. And the longer I stay, the harder it is to get out. I know I'm not really stuck--I can leave whenever I want. But my parents have a special way of leaving me feeling paralyzed and hopeless.

Lately it's gotten harder to fight off that feeling, and I find myself getting so neurotic and insecure that I'd rather find some sort of escape than work on looking for a job. Thus I can often be found napping or shopping when I should be writing cover letters and mailing resumes.

Then I start getting frustrated with myself, and the cycle perpetuates itself. I know it's not my parents' fault, and I also need to stop being so hard on myself. I just feel so stunted and overwhelmed lately that I don't know what to do next.

I have made some progress. My resume is done, and I bought a suit to wear to interviews. I have a running list of all the shelters, rescue groups and pet boarding facilities I can find in Oklahoma. Now I just need to start knocking on doors, proverbially speaking.

Who cares if some people see me as a Deadbeat Heathen Spinster Cat Lady? Somewhere, someone could be looking for a person just like me to wrangle their cats...or their people...or their piles of paperwork...

Anyway, this song says it all better than I can:

Writer's Block, Brain Freeze and Panic

2009-01-08T22:17:00.006-06:00

Job-searching sucks, especially without an updated resume.

Why don't I have a resume? Because I would rather do things like surf the internet, vacuum the baseboards, alphabetize my CD collection or even gouge my eyes out with a spoon than write my resume!

I need some extra orange tabbies and a helpful boyfriend to settle my nerves...

Happy New Year and All That Stuff

2009-01-07T21:29:00.015-06:00

Ryan and I just spent a week in Philly seeing friends, catching up on the latest sordid details of life at TV Guide, and visiting some of my old haunts. We made two trips to Kitty Cottage, and it felt like going home. I realized all over again how much I love that place and all its endearing occupants.

My little friend Alissa (who I love like my own and would adopt if I had extra rooms and a full-time cat nanny) seemed happy enough to see me, but she was so doped up on anti-depressants that I hardly recognized her. It was tough to see my feisty girl like that, and to leave her behind--again!--but what can I do? With Michele's help, I got to see a little of her old spunk, and that gives me hope. Maybe this will be her year to get adopted and begin her life as a devoted and ridiculously pampered lap cat.

The trip brought on a lot of old thoughts and emotions I've managed to avoid since I've been in Tulsa--things both personal and TV Guide-related. There were a couple of times when it all got a little overwhelming, but in general it was a healthy experience that reminded me how happy I am with the life I have now. No more TV Guide stress, no more suburbs crowded with irritated and impatient people, and no more lonely, messy apartment...no more of lots of stuff I don't need.

Hands down, my favorite memory of the whole visit (and there were many to choose from) was the time I spent on Eric's kitchen floor, laughing my drunk ass off with Sara and Janine. Sara, who's so perceptive and intelligent and sweet that I wish I could hire her as my life coach. Janine, who always had my back and always seemed to know just what I needed.

It wasn't even funny, the thing we were laughing about...at least, not funny enough to fall on the floor and carry on like we did. But it was cathartic and extremely uplifiting. Thank God for laughter, and for old friends who never change too much.

Second place goes to one or both of the times I took Ryan to Kitty Cottage. I really enjoyed seeing him interact with the cats; he's a natural, and he's almost as much of a sucker for those cats as I am! I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Vocabulary Lessons with Charlie

2008-12-29T22:41:00.004-06:00

My nephews were here today, and since the weather was nice they spent most of their time outside. Charlie came inside briefly at one point and told us--rapidly, breathlessly--about the plan they'd hatched.

"Me and Bubby are going to have a club, and we're going to hang out in the back of Papa's truck. We're going to get some stuff and take our vehicles with us. We call these vehicles," he explained, referring to his new scooter and Talons's new rip stick.

And with that he was out the door.

don't let them take you

2008-12-29T21:53:00.011-06:00

Don't turn away

This is our fate

And all this dreaming's just as real

As all that other shit we feel

I've felt myself starting to slip back into my old ways lately: worrying too much and getting frustrated and overwhelmed when things become challenging. Since I moved to Tulsa, I've been pretty good at letting go of worries and staying focused on positive things, but the last few weeks have been a lot more challenging than most.

I've been traveling a lot and spending time away from my cats, which I hate. I'm starting to feel my life is divided between two places again, like it was when I lived in PA--there was my life here in Tulsa with my family, and my life in PA with my job, my cats and my friends. Now my family and my cats are here, but Ryan is in OKC and I usually can't have one without being away from the other. I'm not complaining, mind you! Ryan is wonderful and totally worth the short drive between us...and since I don't have a job I have plenty of time to spend in both places.

However, I am keeping my eyes open for potential jobs in Oklahoma City. I'm just sayin'.

Most of the bullshit with my parents is legitimately infuriating, and the pressure I get from them only compounds the concerns I already have about money, a job, and my living situation. Add to that the holiday stress and some slight hormonal turmoil, and it's no wonder I got back into the old mindset of being pissed off, sick and tired, fed up and bummed out.

Other little frustrations have been piling up too, and I'm finding things seem a lot more difficult than they should be. Stuff like keeping my health insurance, getting money back from failed travel plans, dealing with creditors, refilling prescriptions and simply buying some damn Sudafed for my stuffy head...the red tape is ridiculous!

I guess between those little frustrations and my parents giving me hell, sometimes I feel like I have to fight extra hard for so much of what I need. That's not really the case, though; I have supportive friends and an amazing boyfriend who understand where I am in life and do all they can to encourage me. I have sweet kitty cats who give me love and affection every day. I have two enchanting nephews who never fail to lift my spirits. And these things just are. I don't have to fight to keep them; all I need to do is remember to appreciate them and lean on them when I get into a funk. Everything else is peripheral.

Anyway, the moodiness seems to be passing, and hopefully I'll continue finding the strength to stand firm when people ask about my job situation or my parents start trying to control me.

I know who I am, and I'm not a girl who worries; I am hopeful and grateful and ready to embrace whatever adventure tomorrow brings. I am not emotionally dysfunctional; I just live with people who are, and it will take a lot of resolve to get out of here with my peace of mind intact. I'll do it.

I know what I want, and it doesn't involve making choices based on what other people want me to do. And if I have to continue belaboring that point--in my blog and in conversations--to keep myself on track, that's what I'll do.

This song definitely helps.

Whoever said you can't go home was right.

2008-12-28T18:02:00.026-06:00

I guess it hits all of us at some point, the disgruntlement that so easily creeps in during the holiday season. I've had my share of it this year, and I'm going to vent!

First, I missed a flight to Cincinnati on the busiest traveling day of the year and, due to major weather problems, couldn't get an alternative flight that wouldn't get me there late and leave me spending most of the weekend alone in strange cities--and then only if I managed not to get stranded in Chicago. So I missed out on seeing Over the Rhine's two-night anniversary concert with Eric and Sara, which was a bitter disappointment.

There was an upside, though...I got to spend the weekend with Ryan instead. And that Saturday night, Eric called from the concert while the band played my favorite song. I put my cell phone on speaker and laid it on the table, then closed my eyes and soaked it in: the distorted sounds coming through the phone, the lyrics I couldn't understand but knew by heart, and the gratitude for my wonderful friends who had me in their hearts. Ryan saw the tears in my eyes and moved closer, while the song itself perfectly expressed my feelings about that moment, about him and my friends, and about life in general.

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got I don't mind

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be...

We spent the rest of the night drinking wine and listening to music. My weekend was salvaged, to say the least.

Alas, not everything turned out so well. The morning I missed my flight, my mom had to come back and pick me up from the airport, and that was when the bullshit began to get out of hand.

"Well, it was a hair-brained idea to go to a concert the weekend before Christmas anyway," she declared. "There, I said it!"

"You can call it hair-brained if you want," I replied with a steely sort of calm. "It wasn't my idea anyway."

She seemed relieved that I'd be home where I belonged for the weekend, but her relief turned to disapproval as soon as I told her I was going to Oklahoma City. Why not? My Christmas shopping was done, my bags were already packed, and everything was squared away for me to be gone.

This was when my mom decided to unload about how my dad rants and raves to her about everything I do. I've been out of town a lot--seeing Ryan in OKC, visiting his family in various other parts of Oklahoma, taking a well-deserved vacation, etc. Apparently my dad feels I'm neglecting my obligations and doesn't like that I leave my cats in my mom's (not his) care so often. He's also apparently very bothered by the fact that (he assumes) I'm not looking for a job and he seems to be under the impression that I'm planning to live with my parents forever, remain unemployed and continue to let my hellion cats run rampant in his house. And he doesn't like the way (he thinks) I manage my money. She doesn't mind all these things, she assured me. But she has to listen to him complain about them, and she doesn't like that.

"That is not my problem," I told her, a determined calm taking the place of what in the past might have been crippling guilt or blind fury. "If he has a problem with anything I do, he's welcome to discuss it with me. But I am not responsible for guessing how he feels or what he thinks, and I'm not going to spend my life bending over backwards trying to please him or anyone else." She seemed to find this argument fairly sound, and I continued to explain that my goal in life right now is to do what I feel is best and what makes ME happy.

I talked it over with Ryan later that day and received confirmation that my parents were being ridiculous and treating me like a child. Furthermore, my father was trying to control things that are none of his business and was showing a total lack of confidence in my ability to function as an independent adult. I was livid.

My parents were kind to let me live with them, yes. But there were no overt conditions attached...only the invisible strings of guilt and shame that can be used to manipulate me after they've pretended to love and support me unconditionally. Do they think I don't know it's a pain in the ass to have my four cats here? Do they really think I WANT to stay here with them any longer than necessary?

Fuck that!!!

I was home just a few days for Christmas before I left town again to spend a couple of days at Grand Lake with Ryan's mom and step dad. Fortunately, with all the relatives around I was shielded a bit from my parents' disapproval, at least for the holidays. But they started on me again as soon as we returned from the lake last night.

My sister had cleaned out the attic, removing numerous boxes of stuff she'd saved from childhood. I was next, my dad informed me (implying that somehow I'm crowding them out of their house by keeping a few things in their attic while I live here and that the stuff all needs to go now). Then my mom suggested that maybe I'd like to move those boxes in the hallway into the attic now that there's room. I reminded here that those boxes are transitional, that I'm gradually collecting things to either give away or take to storage eventually...just as I've explained to her before.

That was when my disgust with all of this began to really take hold. What about asking how my visit with Ryan's family went? How about making a little conversation with Ryan instead of staring at the TV? We eventually went upstairs, where my cats were shut up in their rooms while my parents' demon cat "Precious" had his turn being out of lock down. It's not like we went up to my bedroom and shut the door so we could make out or something...nor is it anyone's business what we were doing.

Still, everything seemed ridiculous and I felt like a fucking teenager.

Here's the thing: I am looking for a job at a pace that I'm comfortable with. I don't pay rent, but then no one ever asked me to. I have money, and I support myself. How much money I have and how I spend it is no one's business but mine. What I do with my free time is for me to decide, and my only obligations are to make sure my cats are cared for, and to be there for my family when they need my help (if they ask for it!). I have never made any kind of contract giving anyone the right to tell me how to live my life, or subjecting myself to an unspecified quantity of guilt to be dispensed at another person's discretion. NOTHING entitles anyone--not even my parents--to make decisions for me or to judge me for the life I choose.

Then there's the unsolicited advice. It's part of the reason I don't attend my family's church. I'm still pretty burned up about the pastor's suggestion that I should "start getting rid of cats, get married and have some real babies." But it's more than that. I can't bear the thought of being asked several times every week where I'm working these days or how the job search is going. I don't have the mental or emotional strength to continuously decline offers for help getting jobs I don't want, or to explain how I know what I want to do with my life in general but when it comes to the specifics I'm going on blind faith.

And I cannot endure one more pessimistic warning not to wait too long to look for a job because the economy is so bad and lots of people are out of work these days. Maybe it's ignorance, or arrogance, or complete denial...I refuse to live in fear.

I refuse parental guilt trips, and I refuse to feel shame for loving my life. I refuse to speculate on the feelings and opinions of those who choose not to discuss them in a calm, rational manner--or who choose not to discuss them at all.

Something I WILL do, however, is start looking for a job in earnest as soon as I return from my New Year's trip to Philly. I will reclaim the missing pieces of my dignity and get a place of my own where I can dance naked, let my cats run rampant, drink 'till I pass out on the couch, have my boyfriend spend the night, and come and go as I please with only the cats to scold me, and then usually only if I'm late with dinner.