This is my therapy.

antics and semantics

Last week was better than the week before, as far as work goes, but we still had our bumps.

On Wednesday, one of the attorneys asked for copies of some old letters, and I volunteered to send them. This is what I do all the time, after all, and I thought it would take about a minute of my time. However, it turned out the letters had never been scanned into our electronic files, and the attorney who wrote them was long gone.

As I was realizing this, the boss walked by and facetiously asked if I'd found the letters. Then she laughed and said, "I knew you wouldn't, but you you just had to reply to that email so quickly, I thought I'd let you try." I asked her what next, and she suggested asking the admins if any of them could find the letters.

One of them found the missing documents pretty quickly, and I thought that was the end of it until I learned one of the letters--the most important one, of course--was not in the packet. So the next day I asked one of the admins for more help, and he said he didn't know what else to suggest except looking in the file room.

So I had to ask my boss for a key to the file room, and she seemed a little perturbed (though still amused) that I was still on the hunt. About 24 hours had passed by this time, and apparently she thought I'd been searching high and low for that damn letter the whole time. She shook her head and said I could try looking in the file room but I probably wouldn't find it.

After searching through piles and piles of paper in the black hole that is the file room, I took the key back and admitted defeat. She chastised me for wasting time on something that wasn't my job, and then she said she'd take care of it.

Question: Why didn't she offer to take care of it from the beginning and tell me not to worry about it, since it wasn't my responsibility???

Answer: To teach me a lesson, apparently.

Sure enough, after the admins found the letter, she forwarded one of their emails to me and wrote, "A lesson learned...know your team!"

I know my fucking team, bitch. But I did learn a lesson: on this job, being proactive can only lead to ridicule and shame.

As unbearable as this condescending bullshit was, I continued working relentlessly and tried to get past it.

Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to tell me she still wanted to "realign some things," because the stats weren't quite where they needed to be. She went on for a bit about how I needed to focus on Day One referrals and nothing else. I was a little puzzled as to why she was telling me this again, because I'd been doing exactly that with a vengeance for the last couple of weeks. So I respectfully tried to clarify.

Me: What am I doing that I shouldn't be doing?

Boss (viciously): Did you not hear what I just said two sentences ago? I said nobody's doing anything wrong, and it really bothers me when people act like they're being attacked just because I'm trying to do my job...

Me: I guess what I meant to ask was what you would like me to do differently, since the stats aren't where you want them to be.

Boss: You just don't worry about the stats. You let me worry about that.

Me (in my head): Wait, what is this conversation even about?

She went on for a while about how she knows what she's talking about, and how the bosses are riding her all the time, and how "someone" insisted they knew how to do things better than she did, and she gave that a chance but it just wasn't working. She talked about how it was her job improve the stats and try to keep people happy.

"...and I even let you change your hours, and you didn't have ask me to, I just suggested it."

Exactly. I didn't ask her to, and I certainly don't consider it a favor.

She kept going on and on, and I wish I could recount the conversation better, but she seriously says the most nonsensical, incoherent things.

"...and I know you're capable," she said several times, sounding puzzled. WTF?

She finally managed to articulate that we're all doing well, but that she's trying to figure out what's making us fall just short of our goal.

Aha! After all the bullshit, we finally got to the real point. Then she told me she's heard lots of good things about me, I'm very personable, and she hears me on the phone and thinks I'm doing a good job. We agreed that I'd continue doing what I've been doing, and I went back to my desk.

She got in one more dig as I left, saying, "and no more chasing down letters for you!"

Does any of the above make any sense?

All I know is that I'm getting a funny feeling in my chest just writing about it. I'm still working on my own attitude, but I'm feeling the pressure big time and something is going to have to give eventually. I don't know if I can learn to tolerate this kind of malicious, divisive management.

I've been reading a book Ryan got me called "Do What You Are," and I picked it up again this weekend after letting it sit for a while. It discusses the Myers-Briggs personality types and several related theories, and it has given me a little fresh insight into why the boss and I clash so violently.

I'm primarily a feeler, so harmony and teamwork are extremely important to me. I also love to look at things from new perspectives, constantly using my creativity to seek new and better ways of doing things. I think these qualities, especially the second one, have been a major factor in the successes I've had so far.

But my current employer doesn't seem to place much value on these qualities at all. And since I'm a passionate person who makes decisions based on my own deeply held values, this drives me crazy!

Maybe I'm onto something. Maybe this book will help me use the whole disgusting, disheartening experience to develop specific standards for my next job. I certainly hope it'll prepare me to answer interview questions about why I want to leave this job without saying "My boss is bat shit crazy."

blog that bitch right out of my hair

Things got pretty awful at work last week...not "you're fired" or "I quit" awful...not throwing office equipment or stabbing people with scissors awful...just sick-feeling-in-the-stomach every morning, tossing-and-turning every night awful. I don't remember when my boss really went psychotic on us, but I do remember that my irritation turned to rage last Monday after a sequence of repeated proverbial slaps in the face.

We recently had a "customer service week" during which the bosses had to pretend to be nice, and they placated us with food, games and hollow praise. One of the games involved picking up pieces of paper from the floor, and some of them had notes granting one free hour off. I didn't get one, but the boss asked if everyone had found one and indicated she wanted everyone to get an hour off.

I answered her email in the simplest language I could, indicating that I did not get one of the special pieces of paper, and a few minutes later I heard her say "Yep, everybody got one."

Well, I thought it would be nice to take off an hour early the Friday before my one year anniversary with Ryan, so I emailed her a few days later to ask if I was supposed to get an hour off and, if so, could I use it on that date. No reply.

I emailed her again a couple of days later with the same questions. No reply.

I finally went to her office to ask about it, because I also needed a long lunch for a doctor visit and she hadn't responded to that request either.

"I don't care if you leave early," she said grudgingly, "but my referrals have to be in good shape."

That Friday was a slow day, and things were in pretty good shape when I left about 40 minutes early. She was out of the office for a conference, as were several of our attorneys, and a lot of people blatantly took advantage of the lack of supervision.

But who do you think she went after first thing Monday morning? She went to my coworker and said "I hope Katy didn't leave early Friday because I told her not to if the numbers aren't low. And the numbers aren't low." I don't even know what that means, but one of my coworkers came in several hours late and the other one snuck out early without permission, and we still managed to get things under control to a point that I felt comfortable leaving "with permission."

With the boss and all the attorneys back that Monday and working furiously to catch up, we got absolutely slammed. Of course, our boss had changed some of our procedures again, so in addition to being extremely busy we were also floundering a little with the new work flow.

And I was mad as balls that one little hour off had turned out to be such a hassle.

She's been hounding us like crazy since then, micromanaging us obsessively and trying to figure out how to get better "numbers" out of us. She sent several of her obnoxious, tyrannical emails on Tuesday, reminding us of this and that and basically complaining about what we hadn't been able to finish the day before, and that was when I reached my limit.

I replied to one of her emails and, very reasonably and professionally, explained that I'd been working my ass off, that we were behind due to an epic number of incoming referrals the day before, not because we were slacking off. And then I added, also very professionally, that her changing the rules on us slowed us down as well, that I didn't disagree with her decision, but that she has to understand that every time there's a change it's going to take some time for us to adjust and get back to our maximum efficiency.

It was all out war for the rest of the week.

She sent emails saying she's the boss and she knows what she's talking about, and we are to expect emails from her regarding our work and shouldn't take them personally. She started checking up on my work and sending me emails questioning minute details. She cornered me by the printer and asked if I was following the new guidelines, then said "Huh..." and shook her head like she didn't believe me when I said yes.

She nagged me for information that she no doubt thought I was refusing to send out of spite, when in fact there was just a lag in the email system. She called me into her office, furious, and informed me that "if we're going to start getting defensive out there, we're going to have a problem."

And then, Friday afternoon, she called me into her office to sit down and have an actual conversation about what her bosses look for, how she measures it, and what she wants from me...all shit she should have done BEFORE she started stalking me like a rabid dog!

She was still racking her brain for reasons my "numbers" aren't as good as my coworkers', and I tried to explain that the numbers don't reflect all the work I do, especially when I follow her guidelines. I walked her through this three times, and she still didn't understand. But she offered to change my work hours, something I've been wanting to ask for but figured she'd refuse just because it was my idea.

I really, really tried to adjust my attitude over the weekend. I put work completely out of my mind until Sunday, when I returned to dwelling on the things that piss me off. For example:

• The bitch refuses to listen to or consider any input from me, and she probably never even looked at my resume long enough to see that I'm actually pretty good at developing more efficient ways of getting things done.
• The bitch swears that she knows what works and that no one else knows better than her, and she completely disregards the fact that what works for her doesn't necessarily work for everyone.
• The bitch behaves like she doesn't trust me or have any confidence in me, and she constantly implies that I'm slacking off or don't know what I'm doing, when in fact I'm at least as focused and conscientious as my coworkers...if not more so.
• The bitch seems to actually think nagging us constantly is an appropriate way to motivate us, when in fact she's just bullying us into to meeting a very narrow set of standards that don't actually have much at all to do with the quality of our work.

I eventually did some meditation/hypnosis with Ryan in hopes of taking a Serenity Prayer approach to the whole mess. And that was when I got to the core the matter. It's not that I don't think I'm good enough, or that I'm as self righteous and arrogant as I probably sound, or that I give a damn what she thinks of me.

It's simply that I'm angry, and frustrated, and I have good reasons to be.

However, I shouldn't be letting this anger bleed into every area of my life to the point where I'm glaring at other Wal-Mart shoppers, flipping people off in traffic, lying awake at night and feeling generally mad at the world. And I shouldn't ever hang too much hope on seeing things change for the better there--outside of my own attitude, of course.

I think I just need to acknowledge my anger, give it a place and then use it.

So I'm not sure if the attitude adjustment actually worked, but things were a little better today. I worked frantically and relentlessly, and I wrote down every damn thing I worked on so I could defend myself if the boss asked why I wasn't getting enough done. And I only referred to her as "that bitch" two or three times--at least, before I sat down and started blogging!

Part of the whole accepting my anger thing is what led to this horridly long blog post. I have been avoiding the blog, and therefore depriving myself of a great way to vent frustrations, because I'm afraid of being that girl who complains about her job all the time.

But I think I just need to be that girl in my blog so I can work through things and maybe even track my progress. Yeah, some day I'll go back and read it and say "Wow, I was one bitter, sarcastic bitch back then!" But it won't be the first time...